first seizure in two months last night. which is fine. it was bound to happen sometime. but it was the night before the first shift i'd had in over a year since they started, when they got to the point of 4 - 5 a week and I could no longer hold a job down. and i was so excited for this fucking shift. my income at the moment is incredibly tight because I haven't been able to work for a year and i'm on study benefits from the government and even just this one, maybe two shifts was going to be so incredibly helpful. i could get my wheelchair fixed. i could finish paying off that surgery. but then i ended up in the fucking ambulance again and had to tell them i couldn't work indefinitely and its just the same thing over and over again isn't it? when does it end? does it ever end? is there even a point in trying to get better when all you do is end up in the same spot?
and it was just the two. two is nothing. two could just be a small blip. but it was 55 minutes and i had to be sedated and put on oxygen and sure that to used to happen pretty regularly but i thought i was getting better. i thought i was getting better and i am so scared of them going back to the way they used to be. and like. why last night? did i subconciously not want to go back to work? had i stressed myself out over the importance of not fucking up the next day so much that it triggered a seizure? am i making them happen because i like the attention? do i like being able to say oh i'm not working at the moment because i have this disability? am i sabotaging myself on
purpose? no. of course not. why would i?? this disorder has fucked up my life: took my job, took my license, took my studies, made me homeless. why would anyone do that on purpose? that makes absolutely no sense. and yet i can't help but feel like. maybe i'm just useless. maybe i did this to myself because i'm not trying hard enough. maybe i want to be like this. i want to be normal again. i just want to be fucking normal again. please
quick mental health rant:
(cw: seizures, depression)
