Zenith!

(after three beers) Do you guys ever feel sorta.. empty? Like you're housing a malevolent entity as a passenger in your body but have no identity or will of your own

Friend 1: you're probably just a husk man

Friend 2: vessel alert

papa deleted minecraft pocket edition off my vape

prolly not :D

papa deleted minecraft pocket edition off my vape

ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀɪɴᴄʜ and 6 others liked your tweet:
not a fan of christmas honestly

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sup sup sup you date green guys?

grainy CCTV footage of a little grey alien chasing a ball out into the street and immediately getting obliterated by a speeding semi

i was Just Born
Hi

I farted while sagging and it blew my jeans off

The Amtrak train attendants keep stopping by my seat to tell me that the conductor is really mad at me and isn’t going to stop or slow the train down at my station. They say that there’s an inflatable swimming pool for me to jump into if I can time it right

Hey you’re a doctor? Can you check this out for me? {I pop the top of my head off like the lid of a jar and where my brain should be is a massive black widow spider, which reacts to the sudden burst of light by leaping at the doctor while emitting a high pitched shrieking noise}

700,000 canisters of baja blast buried by centuries of desert sand still cold to the touch

Coke tastes like tapping into your ancient ancestral petroleum reserves while Sprite tastes like being connected to a big, beautiful energy grid

(Two millipedes passing each other in the wet tunnel darkness)

M1: How goes it my friend?

M2: Just taking it segment by segment brotha

Do you remember me from the hatchery bro? Yeah bro we were grubs in the hatchery together. Remember the moisture bro? The hot reeking darkness bro

Sorry for trauma dumping but I had a really weird relationship with latex in a past life. So yeah condoms are kind of no bueno for this cowboy

what the fuck

TEEHEE KISS ME NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME

wanna kiss

then you spell it smart ass

ur joeking

i fuck with mexican food, them chicken case of ideas be good as hell

whatever creams your pie big dawg

come in then babes, the door is unlocked~

come get me then big boy

i wana fuck

I’m a grown man but sometimes I still find myself falling victim to thinking five nights at Freddy’s is indeed at the fridge.

to late i already showed him blehhhhh

“your icloud storage is full” i dont give a fuck. stop stalking me

oh pyotr is gonna love this