Zelene

look. the process of aging is tough. coming to terms with the impermanence of the body is never easy. but I find it useful to remember that age is just a number. what is coming for you is not so easily calculated

gaslighting myself into thinking everything I post has already been said and I'm just subconsciously plagiarizing it in a less funny way

me: let's go outside today
brain: BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE CATCH YOU BEING A HUMAN
m: you're right!! Staying inside it is
b: ok just don't post anything online though
m: I trust you but why
b: THATS A PERMANENT RECORD OF YOU BEING A HUMAN! HOW HUMILIATING!
m: I literally can't find any flaws in your logic

his doctorate is in english literature, I support Dr badguy. Imagine dedicating 10+ years to something and some dude is like "forget that 4 a sec"

I wonder what kind of villainy an english language phd would be doing to get spies sent after him tho. or maybe his criminal activity is unrelated

s: *sigh* look, this is kinda part of the gig. I don't feel like an international superspy when you speak in perfect english
henchman: blyat! boss, the police are right outside!
b: there, he did it, are you happy?
s: *crosses arms,* i guess

b: then why would I do that? Why would I needlessly complicate the conversation
s: well I could use context clues-
b: but you'd still be putting more thought into it than is necessary. It just doesn't make sense

badguy: now Mr Superspy, you will die
spy: hang on just one second, are you even really Russian
b: w. Why do you ask me that
s: well, it's just that you haven't snuck in any Russian words into your sentences
b: do you speak Russian?
s: well, no-

policeman: ok so here's your squad car
trainee: cool! Can I try it out
p: sure go ahead
t: *gets in car fiddles with computer*
p: the car will be your responsibility but honestly we don't really- what are you doing
t: you have any idea how to install steam on this thing? btw can training be over now

I think it's sort of like a demonic pact, and their mass grows by trading souls for work. I wish I'd known that before I traded mine for freaking taxes, so buyer beeare

Of course they know, giant masses of hydrogen are the most intelligent form of life in the universe. I actually get Proxima Centauri to do my taxes

stars are so fucking crazy you're telling me these things are like an unfathomable distance away and we can STILL see these bitches in the sky???

What the fuck is that all about???

typo

I can't sleep I have to brood

a cartoon drawing of a red circle with a white background ALT: a cartoon drawing of a red circle with a white background

two weeks weiner prison, no parole, may god have mercy on that itty bitty clitty

spiders are so fucking beaytiful I love you male tarantulas I hope you get to bang a lotta tarantula broads why am I crhing

ph you think I look stupid, so do I, but I'm doing it for a role

Wwhat role you say??? Umm uhhh autobiogrphy?

imagine how much time can be saved by putting '90' instead of '1:30' when heating stuff in the microwave

lots of jokes about charlie kirk reciting the shahada

and I'm sorry to say, that's just not what happened

his final words were an unintelligible gurgling rasp

he died, trying to say something

knowing that no one was listening

and knowing, with perfect clarity

that all of this was his own fault

i hope this event can help ease the concerns of all the insecure guys out there. just 9mm is enough to make a lot of women VERY happy

Sniper who is constantly monologuing about how much of a lone wolf she is and how killing is the loneliest profession x spotter who who smiles and nods reassuringly before making her chicken nuggies and Mac and cheese exactly how she likes it and tucking her into bed every night

4-Year-Old’s Optimism Just Making Things Worse For Area Family

4-Year-Old’s Optimism Just Making Things Worse For Area Family https://theonion.com/4-year-old-s-optimism-just-making-things-worse-for-area-1819572921/

oh, to be evil (ethically)

stray cats are so cool, where are they going, what important business are they up to

we need to get kojima on estrogen right now

BAT EATING BANANA IS SO CUTE THANK YOU

That sounds like something I would do, you were in good company

can you imagine Batman trying g to sneak around while he has to make clicking sounds so he can echolocate

Is that just man-bat idk but i like the idea anywayWe can call him the Batman who clicks

bats are the cutest little things, yes click click my little friend spit yo shit indeed

advantages of moving to seattle:

- two new hockey teams to root for
- maintain access to salt and trees
- actual music scene
- "weird tranny jerusalem"
- getting to play up that I'm an innocent country girl moving to the big city, which I assume that predatory lesbians will find extremely enticing

hey siri are bee spiders real
hey siri why are you a liar

“Look, if you can’t handle a little poisoning, you have no place in the discount shrimp game to begin with.” Charles Topel, Footage Analyst

FDA Warns Against Eating Potentially Radioactive Shrimp Sold At Walmart https://theonion.com/fda-warns-against-eating-potentially-radioactive-shrimp-sold-at-walmart/

after years and thousands of dollars spent looking for the key to immortality, you're telling me it's been kale this entire time???

Not worth it, I will keep searching for an alternative