Ellie 🏳️‍⚧️ 🔞

I've grown a great deal since then.

I hope you have too.

I think the most humbling experience of February came in the form of accidentally buying a self help journal that was already used and had things written into it, and then finding out that those very things were things I suffered from as well.

I hope whoever held this before is doing better.

I think this is the point where I tackle my ADHD. It's getting crippling. I live in squalor because of it. I neglect myself because of it. I am so, so tired of having manic episodes of productivity rarely after eras of loneliness and sadness.

...reached a moment for the third time where it feels like my medication isn't doing anything, which makes me realize that Prozac alone isn't going to help, but ATP, I don't know where to start. I'm pretty sure I have a good idea where to start, but it's going to take forever to get there.

I'm trying my best. I really am. I just can't physically keep up with the demands...

Every now and then, work just breaks me down to such an extremely physical degree that I just completely disassociate, and then come out of it feeling like the most horrid failure ever lol

After all, if I physically can't keep up, how can I mentally keep up?

I can tell life is improving for me, because I have not felt the need to vent here. I feel like everything is so much more manageable now.

I have spent so long in survival mode I forgot how to enjoy life lol

If there's one thing I've noticed about myself, it's that I am very impatient when learning new things. Not because I don't care to learn, but like...sort of a guilt for not being as adept at it as I'd like to be? I compare myself a lot to others, and I have to unlearn that. x.x

Find myself questioning whether or not I "deserve" to eat a whole lot, which is... Kind of a horrible indication that my antidepressants aren't working as well as I'd like to. Either that or therapy still has a long way to go. Probably both.

It's sad. I genuinely struggle to think of myself because I genuinely can't see myself in any meaningful way. And that just tears me up inside. I feel aimless. All I can see and hope to do is make the world a better place for others. With what limited time and resources I have. And then fall short.

feel like I just undid several sessions of therapy lol

Extremely funny and kind of cute that my new immediate response to "okay that's some bullshit" moments in my life is just to shrink inside my mind and imagine my blorbo ship lmao

"work sucks by my blorbo kissing her wife doesn't" can move MOUNTAINS on my worst days

For once, I can finally say that I've learned to love my creative process and enjoy the work I put out. I've finally learned to create for myself, and it's such an overwhelmingly awesome experience.

The last goal is an interesting one for me... One that I didn't realize I even suffered from until therapy. Even in my "empathy", I can find myself very self absorbed, even if it's in a negative way ("They have it far worse than I do, I can't complain.")

I have to get better about that.

Three goals I want to work on in 2025:

1. Finding the "gray" during black/white thinking

2. Appreciating the present as it happens, not in retrospect, not fearing the future

3. Empathize with others by understanding how I'm actually being perceived, not by how I perceive how others perceive me

Naturally, there were things I didn't fully resonate or agree with in all of these, but it gave me a lot to talk about with my therapist at least. And it did teach me some sound advice and points to consider. I find that reading is a great way to continue my self improvement journey.

Book Cover of The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living A Good Life by Mark Manson.

Book cover of Everything is Fucked: A Book About Hope by Mark Manson

Book cover of Your Perfect Right Tenth Edition: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships by Robert Alberti, PhD and Michael Emmons, PhD

strange ask, but does anyone have any recommendations for Self Help. books that they found particularly resonating? I've been doing a lot of self introspection as of late, and started by reading these three books as on recommendation. They've been... really kind of eye opening in a lot of ways.

My antidepressants giving me irregular heartbeats really suck when I have to walk an hour and a half to work every day... Coffee pretty much makes my chest hurt now, and it really sucks cuz I love coffee lol

why is it that whenever I have my worst anxiety attacks, it's always when people are busy and not around

It's something I really want to work on going forward. It sucks being so giggly and happy and then getting a tight throat and feeling like crying the moment I perceive myself being annoying or a burden... Especially when I know it's just black and white split thinking that's talking.

Even with antidepressants, I still find myself struggling with BPD splits. Feeling happy and ecstatic beyond words, then I feel guilty for one perceivable flaw and having it get highlighted and it just...all spirals and collapses from there. It sucks. A lot more manageable than before, but damn.

Keep your LGBTQ+ friends and loved one close. Check in frequently with them. Keep them in your thoughts, and reach out to them as soon as feel something is amiss, or even just to show them you're thinking of them.

Please. It's all I could ask of anyone this Pride Month.

I have a sinking feeling that in this month, there will be unprecedented hatred and bigotry out on full force. There is going to be a storm of prejudice brewing, and with an administration that would rather see us dead and buried than live and thrive in our skins, we cannot afford infighting.

I'm not asking that we give into rainbow capitalism or whatever gets peddled to us. But we have to support queer artists and make a difference where it counts. We'll never know when someone truly horrible and shitty will take somebody you love away, or hurt them deeply. We just have to stand united.

All that I could ever ask for Pride Month is that we cherish every single day we have with our LGBTQ+ friends, allies, and loved ones. That we don't let them feel alone for a single moment. If we feel dread, we must stand together... especially with an entire administration against us.

It's been tough (and certainly very expensive, ow) but I've been able to finally enjoy the things I used to be passionate about now. I think I can now freely do so without the constant craving to feel "seen" to feel like I exist. It's liberating. And I hope things have been looking up for you too.

After finally getting on Prozac and getting my life in gear with getting therapy and psychiatric help, it feels like I can finally have control over my own person now. These last three months have made feel so ridiculously helpless. Now I can finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I always take specific note of people who opt to use They/Them for me when they see my "He/They" pronouns at work. It's like we both know that the "He" part of that is only just so I can make it by easier.

Maybe one day I'll reactivate that account; when I feel as though I can find where I belong and I no longer have to "fake it" to "make it." It's not who I am, not who I want to be. And I'm most certainly exhausted with temporary friendships that hinge upon how much I talk them up.