Venting Kellophane

Making new friends IRL is difficult for me, so I try my best to do what I can to at least maintain my current friendships, but it so demoralizing to constantly be the one reaching out/checking in.

Please consider your friends who always check in on you, they might need to be checked in on too.

Sometimes curiosity gets the better of me, and I look into things that I probably shouldn't only to make myself sad with the knowledge gained.

3 year anniversary & it was completely unremarkable. Just sitting in a silent vc for hours.

I dressed up, did my hair, & makeup. Nothing said about how I looked nor any effort made on his part.

*Sighs* I don't understand how someone can be so thoughtful in games & yet so utterly careless IRL. 😔

Yep, I think I spent the first 3-ish years of transitioning from working full-time to being disabled having frequent anxiety attacks because all I could think about was the dramatic loss of income while being too ill to work.

I still often feel like an unworthy burden.

It's not glamorous. At all.

Mmm yes, love the whole "You don't have to work so you have nothing to be stressed about" argument.

Yes, being disabled and reliant on the government which hates me and wants me dead is definitely not stressful at all.

The older I become, the less meaning I find in my continued existence. I'm both a financial & emotional drain on others due to my illnesses/disabilities, which will only worsen as I age.

I provide nothing of value by being here - only more burdens on others. So, what's the point?

I wish I knew.

So tired of asshole brain hours.

Can't wait for Thursday & getting settled with my new therapist.

Trying really hard not to be pissed off and angry about something that is essentially not worth being angry over.

I am not succeeding, and I really wish I could just take a baseball bat into a wreck room right now to get my frustrations out.

Happy New Year and ty for all you've done for our district.

One of the nicest things I've done for myself was getting dimmable, color changeable lights for my room.

Even if I'm bedridden, I can control them & having softer lighting for my eyes has been so lovely.

(Yes, I'm neurodivergent. How could you tell?)

I don't want to just give up on everything, but at the same time I am so exhausted from feeling like I'm constantly trying to run uphill on grease to do anything.

I try different approaches, different words, walk different paths and no matter what it's always the same outcome.

I am so very tired.

Nothing I do nor say is ever good enough.
No matter how long I spend agonizing over my words, I'm misunderstood.
No matter how much effort I put into things, it's dismissed or overlooked.

I just dont know wtf I'm supposed to do anymore when no matter what I do, it's wrong.

Am I being petty and intentionally not picking up a prescription I didn't ask to be filled so they have to stock it again? Yes.

Am I gonna wait a few days after and make them fill it again? Also yes.

Nearly $4 TRILLION company & they cannot hire living humans to help customers?

Instead I get told by an AI that I need to do the steps I've already told it I cannot do due to inconsistencies on their part.

And the only solution beyond that is to post on a forum hoping another customer helps? JFC..

Google: You need to verify your account

Me: I do not have access to those phone numbers anymore.

Google: Please go here to update them

Me: Ok

Google: You need to verify your account

Me: ...

Not me also finding 3 new therapists to contact tomorrow to see about potentially becoming a new patient.

Spite can be one hell of a motivator.

It's wild that I was able to spend like 3 hours being like "Nope, tired of this brain. You're going to stop trying to piss on my relationship(s)"

And now I feel better & more productive than 6-ish months with my current therapist produced (when really he just tanked my mental health worse).

Not me now spending 2-ish hours trying to do research and find ways to work on this because I can't trust my current therapist. 🤣

But have read some good articles & begun journaling to try to find a path forward that is both healthy & respectful of my feelings.

Gods am I tired of my insecurities and past traumas fucking with my relationship.

I *know* I have a good partner.
I *know* he loves me as I love him.

And still I get swallowed by jealousy and insecurity by such stupid things. Always jumping at shadows and waiting for the "boot to drop" as it were.

Sometimes one of the hardest parts of being disabled and having chronic illnesses (aside from the illnesses/disability themselves) is looking forward to something only then to be unable to either engage with it or enjoy it due to either pain/fatigue or other factors overshadowing it.

Any time there's an engagement game, I don't bother.

Why would I?

I'm lucky to get a single response on them, let alone enough to make it to the end for the ones that have 20+ questions.

I just... I don't get it? I engage a lot with others but just feel overlooked.

Maybe everyone has me muted...

One of the things that upsets me about social media is having over 200 followers, but rarely getting more than 3-4 interactions on my posts on my main account.

How can there be so many ppl following but so extremely few interactions to the point I consistently feel invisible? 😮‍💨

Also very tired of people thinking that being asked for clarification is somehow an attack on them or their actions.

I'm literally trying to prevent any misunderstandings and it's causing misunderstandings.

Not a great system, tbh

I am still so tired but my body is in too much pain to sleep comfortably. 😮‍💨

A picture if the Thanksgiving meal that was gifted to me by a friend. There is mashed potatoes and bacon in the upper left, stuffing along the right, and a heaping of turkey meat. All of them are covered in gravy. A can of sparkling water of peach flavor is nearby.

I drowned it in gravy because I rarely indulge in gravy.

Mashed potatoes + bacon
Stauffing
Turkey
And copious gravy

It was amazing & I am incredibly grateful for the friend who brought it over. 💗

Thoughts
Thoughts
More thoughts
ALL THE THOUGHTS
Thoughtsthoughtsthoughts

Lonely, aching voice
spills into the hollow night
only silence stays.

#Haiku

Not for the first time do I deeply wish I could just cut off all human contact and live in the fucking forest like a god damn witch or something.

But no, no one listens and here we fucking are again all sat in a stew of misery while I have to suppress my rage and desire to strangle you all while screaming "THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU JUST LISTENED TO ME"

It is incredibly frustrating to try my hardest to help those I care about only to have them not listen to me, not make changes, and then suffer from the same misery over and over again because of it.

If any of you stupid fucks would just LISTEN TO ME, we could all be spared this repeated suffering.