Andy Anderson

Thinking about calling my toilet "Jim" from now. People will be so impressed that every morning...I go to the Jim. 💪🏻 #DadJokes

When my dad went into the hospital for the last time, they covered his back in lard. After that, he went...

...downhill fast. 🧈 #DeadAssPunny #AndysPuns

Did you know that vampires are historically known for being bad artists? It's because they only want to draw...

...blood. 🩸 #PunsThatSuck #AndysPuns

Erin's mad at me because I went to Tractor Supply Co. and came home with about 50 chicks. They were going...cheep. 🐤 #DadJokes

Tried to order a hot dog for my pet snake, but the vendor said it would have to be naked since they were out of bread. I told the young lady, "Sorry, but my anaconda...

...don't want none unless you got buns, hun." 🐍🌭 #SirPunsALot #AndysPuns

If dinosaurs could fix stuff, why wouldn't you call a Tyrannosaurus? Because Tyrannosaurus...wrecks. 🦖 #DadJokes

I’ve had social media for nearly 20 years, and I can count on two hands how many times I’ve been reported or a post has been challenged. Most of them have been in the past 10 months. I wonder why that is… 🤡

#Threads #MAGA

Erin wanted me to watch Dirty Dancing this weekend. I wasn't super interested, but I...

...had...

...the time of my life! 🪩 #NobodyPutsBabyInACorner #AndysPuns

A pothead, a Jedi, and an E.R. surgeon walk into a bar. It was…blunt force trauma. 😮 #DadJokes

What do you call a lamp that always says “please” and “thank you?”

Polight. 💡 #brightsideoflife #AndysPuns

Marvin Gaye used to keep a lamb at a local vineyard. He liked to say he...herd it through the grapevine. 🐑 #DadJokes

Erin says I'm the clumeist person she's ever met! Last weekend, she was confused how I broke my arm raking leaves. I had to tell her that...

...I fell out of the tree! 🌳 #MakeLikeATree #AndysPuns

Had my prostate exam today. Don’t worry. I got a…thumbs up. 👍🏼 #DadJokes

THE FIRST RULE OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE FIGHT CLUB IS...You know what? Nevermind. It's FINE! 🥊 #DadJokes

If a teacher never farts in public, can we call call them…private tutors? ⛽️ #DadJokes

Patron walked into the library and asked if we had any books about turtles. "Hardback?" I asked back, and they responded, "Yes,...with little heads." 🐢 #DadJokes #ILoveTurtles

A friend of mine has a horse that likes to drink wine, but its favorite is...Chardoneigh. 🐴 #DadJokes

Just saw an old man fall into a well today. I wonder if he was blind because he obviously couldn’t see…that well. 🙈 #DadJokes

One of my body parts was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the store manager asked me...to take it out. 📕 #DadJokes

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar, and someone whispered, "You can't tell me that's just a...coincidence." 🤨 #DadJokes

A friend once sat me down and said, "Can I be frank with you? I said, "Sure, Frank,...but can I still be Andy?" 🤣 #DadJokes

I was recently invited to a baby shower, but I declined because I prefer...full-size showers. 🧼 #DadJokes

Playing some scary board games last night, the letters kept spelling out, "Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive." This was no Ouija Board. It was a...Bee Gee Board!!! 🪩 #DadJokes

What kind of cycle did Yoda ride as a youngling? A Do-cycle, obviously. There is no...Tri. 🤓 #DadJokes

How do you heal burns in The Matrix? Just use some...

...Neo-Sporin. ⚕️#HeIsTheOne #AndysPuns #DadJokes

Macadamia nuts are so expensive, but do you know much deer nuts cost? They’re under a…buck. 🦌 #DadJokes

My three favorite things include eating my pets and not using...commas. 🍴 #DadJokes

What do you call a nocturnal bird wearing armor? A Knight...

...Owl. 🦉 #WhomWhom #AndysPuns

My sister uses lemon juice to help with her complexion. That's probably why she always looks so...sour. 🍋 #DadJokes

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