Dweepus

the song wagon wheel is a lot less sweet if you replace the word 'mama' with 'mommy'

and I fall for it too because seriously?? Lord Vorlock? what a fucking loser why does he get on the council and I don't this is bullshit

a eunuch planting seeds of doubt in my head but she's actually a valley girl telling me gossip "omg can you BELIEVE you didn't get invited to the high court? like, they totally have it out for you dude. I heard they're even letting Lord Vorlock sit on the council"

fantastic four and it's the exact same but Jennifer Garner is replaced with Jennifer Coolidge

me and my buddies ghost hunted one of our houses a couple times. I do have some creepy stories from the first time, but the latest time was legit just the ghosts bullying me via spirit box the whole time. they were taking everyone else seriously but kept calling me 'nerd' and telling me to shut up

bagged milk in a pitcher

white boy, why

damn you mcbutts the crime dog. you beat me this time

Can someone please tell me when this “Vampire Weekend” is?? I’m starting to get worried.

that one part of 'head, shoulders knees and toes' where they go "eyes and ears and mouth and nose"....fucking chills dude.

Godzilla shooting his radiation beam out of his thicc booty

update: it's coming out

I am attracted to women with auras that terrify men

when the world ends, God will pick a favorite human being and hes going to pick the woman who shouted "Yes!" when bill gates jumped that chair

the snack wrap samurai

theres a guy that stands outside my local Burger King dressed in karate clothes practicing his moves all day. I often regret that I have to work and cannot spend my days as an apprentice of the whopper warrior

a man is speaking into a microphone and the word banana is visible ALT: a man is speaking into a microphone and the word banana is visible

My minion trying to warn me of a potential grease fire happening in my kitchen:

erm, I believe it's pronounced 'bazinga'

they were on a field trip to the grease fire factory

update: i've just been made aware he's been promoted to captain

one of our local fire chiefs, lieutenant crunch, just got awarded a medal for bravery for rescuing a kindergarten class from a tragic grease fire. good for him

my goal in life is to one day have a direct to streaming biopic about me starring Matt Berry and I don't care what I have to do to make that happen

this would work on me I fear

It’s called elevated horror, T. It’s when the dracula is actually that your mom died.

yeah man lately I've been getting really into jizz punk

every time I see someone say some shit like "i wish I was old enough to have experienced the 2000s" I can feel my body actively returning to dirt

don't do this to me gef

peach just give me a chance please id be so good to you

this but it's guys grocery games instead and the winner gets to test out their contraption by getting high with guy fieri

dead rising is a game about hanging out at the mall with your friends :)