ember, sword witch🔥

but i am glad i can get it done myself. i really hate relying on other people.

looks like i'm gearing up for a combined 10 hour bus trip soon if i can't get a ride to Detroit lmao

that's so many news

hey google are borderlines and schizophrenics compatible

damn i got the wrong thing wrong with me

i love her.

things aren't perfect, but it's all been slowly getting better, and it's only up from here.

54 days and counting since the last BPD episode. and with nobody to offload my emotional regulation onto anymore. i'm getting better by myself, for the first time.

(pic: me with no makeup besides lipstick)

287 days without self harm, btw.

i am not cured by any means. there will surely be another eventually. but every day that goes by is another day added to the streak. that's pretty cool i think.

i still have my moments of volatility, but they haven't taken over. crying for 10 minutes and getting really sad is NOTHING by comparison.

i realized today that my last BPD episode was December 17.

despite everything, i haven't had another one since then.

this is, i believe, the longest i have gone without an episode since i began tracking them when i learned i'm BPD.

despite everything, i am getting better in measurable ways.

i know i need to move on.

and i have moved on, in the sense that it doesn't hurt to have lost them in the negative sense like it once did. i don't feel pain about their rejection of me anymore.

but it's much harder to move on from missing them. it's so hard not to yearn for the good that was had.

i don't know.

it's just all been on my mind again. today is someone's birthday, and i can't shake my regrets about fucking it all up with her a few months ago.

i'm very thankful to have known all of them. most of them were massive influences on me, and most of them were influences for the better.

i wouldn't be who i am, period, without Casmira pulling me out of my own prison.

i wouldn't be nearly as improved without Willow.

i wish they both still cared.

i want friends who are like me.

and i have had a few of them! and i have lost them. i have lost all of them.

Casmira was the person who felt most similar to me out of anyone i've ever known in my life. Willow was the second most like me, out of everyone.

anyone else is a very distant third.

i love Alex. i love Ronan. i love Ryan.

but there's no intensity to any of those connections. there's not much overlap in interests or taste there.

and i don't want a certain kind of dependent intensity anymore, but i crave the closeness of emotional similarity and shared interests.

i can't and i don't want to have another friendship where i hand over the keys to my emotionality to someone else. that's not going to happen again.

but the loneliness is so fucking bleak. and i just wish i could have some of my friends back, as healthy relationships and not emotional dependencies.

and i am a lot more emotionally independent, now, yeah?

i don't rely on anyone else for my emotional regulation, and i never want to again. that was a consistent thing in most (but not all) of those friendships, and i can't do that dance anymore. i needed to learn to do it myself. so i finally did!

i have spent so many hours and journaled through the pain so much trying to figure it out, and i have tried and am continuing to try so hard to fix anything and everything that killed those friendships.

it's like staring into a box of broken stained glass pieces all mixed in with each other.

like. in the last two years.

Casmira, three times. Remus. Willow, and her friends, three times. Jade, twice (also lol fuck Jade). Carrie, twice. Louise. Sami. Artemis. Calamity. Scarlet (formerly Jaq). Kate. Elise. Kaycie and Gretch, and their entire gang of girls who gradually turned on me.

hell yeah let's go

broke down crying on a walk to the convenience store today, and cried again on the way home.

i want to be better, and i am trying so fucking hard. but i don't understand what i need to fix to stop being so easily abandoned by everyone i come to care about, with exceptions i can count on one hand.

i'm so tired of being so alone. but i endure. because what other option is there, but to continue to burn as a lonely ember in the dark?

and maybe i'll find some companionship in the coming months that makes me feel a little less alone, that gives a bit more light to the dark than merely my own.

but Willow?

i fucked it all up. and i have wished upon the clear night moon and sky every time i have walked under it that i could mend things with her.

i'm doing so much better, now, and i've been working so hard on my shit, and i just... i wish we were still friends.

i wish we could try again.

things with Casmira are... whatever.

i've made my peace with that distance, even though it hurt so badly that i trusted them so deeply, only for them to quietly discard me at my most vulnerable.

i really fucking tried with them, and it isn't my fault for believing what they said when they said it.

feeling really good about a lot of things right now, settling in and feeling more at home a week after moving. i already went to a local meetup in Ann Arbor to make friends!

but i'm still so full of regret about how things went with Willow when i got bad in November. i wish she could see me now.

i made it here friday and have been unpacking and settling in and resting between doing that because this has been physically exhausting

just in case anyone was worried when i never updated after saying i was moving

i move tomorrow.

"Just fucking transition already" in all its forms is necessary counterculture to the endless fucking eggslop that litters the trans internet. "When you wish you were a–" you are one. Transition about it. Quit romanticising the closet.

love this for you queen

in hindsight though, it's really good to know that she's still alive in there.

unfortunately, i have too much upcoming that's too important to fuck up, and i can't unbury her yet. but she won't be buried forever. when i'm ready, i'll figure out how to bring back the side of me that wants love.