Gareth Ceredig

A tesseract of incoherent, patronising bilge. "People wrongly think that classical music is elitist. And they're right; it totally is, as proved by us saying so. TikTok! Mixtapes! Audiences are simultaneously up, down and dead. Be younger, you old f**ks! Your money is rusty and not on Instagram."

Simon Heffer has written his classical music article again.

Tell me again what sort of "glorious, uplifting music is guaranteed to propel me through the weekend," Radio 3. Go on. I f***ing double-dare you. Some of us suckers have to work weekends, so unless I can pay my council tax with John Wilson's bang-average recording of Rach 2, pipe the flip down.

Simon Heffer: The Human Organ Symphony®. Which should absolutely be the title of his Vegas residency. Please, the Mob, give Simon Heffer a Vegas residency. One with lots of punctuation and chainsaws.

So is committing insurance fraud* but it doesn't mean anyone should do it.

*I've been told

This ham-fisted fatberg. This shuddering boregasm. This pious tub of twee self-harmony. This knackered deluge of c**trapuntal cack. This uphill trudge through an antique fart. This drooping monument to inept bombasturbation. This Third Republic frumpery. This coma en croûte. This pâté de f*** all.

Well, that explains it.

"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Me, officer? No. Never touch the stuff."
"Uh-huh. And your name is...?"
"Errrm... ?"

BBC Sounds - No-Platformed - Available Episodes Listen to the latest episodes of No-Platformed on BBC Sounds.

Tomorrow this trio of odd noises starts slipping off BBC Sounds and back into audio oblivion. If you want to hear the missing Episode 4, in which it all turns out to be a dream*, give me a call and I'll dictate it down the phone.

*no, obviously not

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand...

HNY to those who celebrate. 2,026th time lucky, eh?

"What degree are you doing?"
"About 900 Celsius."

Could be polarising. #noyouf***off

Vocal noises by the tremendous Ali Mardell, @gmcgiv.bsky.social, @timdownie.bsky.social, Naomi McDonald, @jakeyapp.bsky.social and Hugh Dennis, tweaked by @tonychurnside.bsky.social and prodded by @jonholmes.bsky.social. Listen to (almost) the whole silly saga for a limited time on BBC Sounds. 📻

BBC Sounds - No-Platformed - Available Episodes Listen to the latest episodes of No-Platformed on BBC Sounds.

Episode 3 of No-Platformed floats onto Radio 4 tonight at 23.15. Episode 4 has been delayed indefinitely by stupid Christmas, so 3 is your lot for now. Contains surface water, stupid jokes about spelling, and a badly behaved Formula 1 pit crew. You know. Normal stuff. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand...

Wednesday - 23.15 - Radio 4

Episode 3 of #NoPlatformed, in which subliminal messaging goes wrong, Stuart discovers what the B in B&Q definitely doesn't stand for, and some wet and wild station renovations come home to roost. 📻

Wednesday - 23.15 - Radio 4

Episode 3 of #NoPlatformed, in which subliminal messaging goes wrong, Stuart discovers what the B in B&Q definitely doesn't stand for, and some wet and wild station renovations come home to roost. 📻

'Tis the season.

Surely an even number would be more useful?

BBC Sounds - No-Platformed - Available Episodes Listen to the latest episodes of No-Platformed on BBC Sounds.

Episode 2 of #NoPlatformed re-emerges tonight at 23.15 on Radio 4 then loiters around for a while on BBC Sounds. WARNING: contains parcels, defibrillators, contentious long-service awards and implausibly gruesome police procedurals. 📻
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand...

Wednesday - 23.15 - Radio 4

Episode 2 of #NoPlatformed, in which - among many* other surprises - two of the Railway Children turn out to be complete psychopaths.

*How many? Well, we somehow got through 25 pages of script in only 14 minutes. Suck on that, Radio 3 Unwind, you catatonic pansies. 📻

Wednesday - 23.15 - Radio 4

Episode 2 of #NoPlatformed, in which - among many* other surprises - two of the Railway Children turn out to be complete psychopaths.

*How many? Well, we somehow got through 25 pages of script in only 14 minutes. Suck on that, Radio 3 Unwind, you catatonic pansies. 📻

One of history's more intriguing set lists

I was going off this. Why the flip are you not on the credits?

And I forgot to credit you, which is f***ing shameful. All the apologies.

Starring the smashing @gmcgiv.bsky.social, Alexandra Mardell and @timdownie.bsky.social, with @jakeyapp.bsky.social, Naomi McDonald and Yuriko Kotani dropping in and a short, sharp drive-by from @rufeydoof.bsky.social, all wrangled and polished by @jonholmes.bsky.social. 📻

BBC Radio 4 - No-Platformed, Series 1, Time Capsule Comedy that drives a train through sitcom-land via a platform crowded with silly jokes.

[Tonight / Radio 4 / 23:15]
Another chance to hear Episode 1 of something a bit off the beaten kilter called #NoPlatformed. Radio Times called it "an experimental sitcom with more hits than misses" so... that. More or less. Contains lots of stupid jokes about time. www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m...

Missed a full stop, you dense tub...

Thanks for letting me know. It's also in the Saturday 12.30 slot. See if it's worthy of that.

The Naked Week - Series 3 - Trump, Traitors, and RIP Tim Davie - BBC Sounds This week the team fundraise for the BBC, welcome a traitor, and necromance a potato.

If you listen to this week's #TheNakedWeek, we can't be *entirely* sure that you won't be sued. Or that you won't become the next Director-General of the BBC. Worth a pop either way, I reckon. 📻 www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Yes, Simon. Conventionally, the precision of an orchestra's playing is indeed "brought home" [???] when they are playing something. Otherwise there would be no playing with which to bring home any precision. What you've done here, matey boy, is describe a thing that couldn't possibly not happen.