ME (while driving): Hey, stop, no! You can't turn on the dome light while I'm driving.

MY SON: Why not?

ME: Cause my dad wouldn't let me do it.

Give me a lever long enough and I can get out of bed before 10AM

Even among the best directors, few can end a movie better than #SpikeLee! He'll change your whole perspective on a movie you already thought you loved!

I find it very confusing that Netflix is actively promoting both the new Frankenstein movie and a show called "Death by Lightning." Why are you forcing this crazy binary choice on me?

They should give out 2 million Nobel Peace Prizes this year. Everyone gets one except Trump. Dr. House MD gets 3. Shoot 'em out, T-shirt cannon style to everyone except Trump.

How did we go from invading Canada to invading Chicago?

The end-pose of the Peacemaker Season 2 opening dance sequence is giving major "Intro to Dance B (for non-majors)" vibes

In NYC. Rode the subway 4 times today. Got murdered 17 times. (Just kidding, it's totally fine, lots of people lie about NYC and LA)

1st rule of Fight Club: don't date guys who love talking about that movie.

It's really unfair that Andrew Cuomo doesn't have anything to be in charge of right now so can we please let him have New York City, ok? Come on guys, throw him a bone.

PS - my entire childhood - which was very enviable - and my parents' retirement was funded by wealthy people fleeing NYC a decade or so before I was born. Same for many of the most successful, caring, nicest people I grew up with.

New York real estate agents fear exodus of high-net worth residents after Mamdani win | CNN Business Several real estate professionals said high-end buyers in New York have begun pausing their decision-making, uncertain about the potential impact of Zohran Mamdani’s proposed policies.

Are u saying that if NYC elects Zohran Mamdani there will be a firesale on luxury real estate, freeing up tons of apartments, driving down inflated home values, easing the housing crisis, and allowing thousands of families to finally buy homes in NYC? Do you promise
www.cnn.com/2025/07/14/b...

my favorite part of Disney Land is that one of the most special, and beloved attractions is just a pedestrian-friendly walkable street with no cars on it.

Just finished the 2nd season of Poker Face! That show is awesome and they make 12 ep seasons. Please, everyone watch it so we can get more shows like it! Stop scrolling on that phone and WATCH POKER FACE!

I like #Ironheart. The characters are great. 14-year-old me would have loved it. If it had been released closer to Black Panther 2, it would have been HUGE! Hopefully it will be!

Novocaine might be the most fun movie I've seen all year! Great. See it! Beyond clever and so fun!

"Look at this stuff, isn't it neat, wouldn't you think my collection's complete." - My dog whenever he finds some throw-up.

How did my colonoscopy go?

Literally my doctor during the procedure:

Serious FITNESS question: how much would I have to work out if I wanted to eat this and only this for every meal without any negative health effects?

Trump's $5000 baby bonus would have paid for... almost all of our delivery hospital bill and that's it (yes we had great insurance). Not 1 bottle. Not 1 diaper. Not NUTHIN else!

My new favorite street in Los Angeles is 8th Street (west of downtown). Such great buildings and trees. What a great street.

GOOD NEWS! After 3 straight years of grisly, on-premises deaths, it's never been cheaper to book your #WhiteLotus vacation!

it's early morning and my son keeps running back and forth between 2 rooms for no reason. Sometimes kids do pet stuff

Sometimes I think all over-the-counter cold medications are just...
1) advil
2) advil with uppers
3) advil with sleepy

NO FUN ALERT! Getting a colonoscopy is embarrassing but TALK to your Dr. about filters. So many great options these days. I did ‘Rainbow Kitty’ but “Groucho Glasses’ are fun too. Even a little smoothing makes your intestines look SO MUCH better. & INSURANCE HAS TO PAY FOR IT!!!

HIGHLY RECOMMEND: Go grocery shopping for both an 8-year-old's sleepover and a colonoscopy prep.

Why yes, sir, I am buying laxatives and sprinkles!

The 1985 movie "To Live & Die In LA" is streaming on Prime. It holds up and should be called "Parade Of The Baby Faves" cause so many of your fave actors are in it and THEY ARE BABIES! Also, in beautiful 80's style the bad guy goes to a modern-dance-performance-art nightclub.

HEY! Listen! This is important. Everyone needs to watch that new show "Paradise!" Do it! It's great. And I need to see 19 seasons of it so you all have to watch!!! WATCH IT!

iPhone photo-timer WIN! (wishing you and yours a very tech-savvy holiday!)

YouTube video by Nicktoons Patrick tries on mustaches! 🥸 #shorts

Hey look - some fun bite sized content from one of the Patrick Star Show episodes I wrote! youtube.com/shorts/l4rl-...