t.r.

will toledo & bonehead mayhaps….? & bedroom layout + i also wanna talk about angels in america & uhhh truth coming out of her well in more depth… re: angels this was kigudolly dreamconvo inspo To Me “this is my dream you don’t own this dream you don’t get to be the owner everywhere”… okay dolly…..

WE CAREEE

kyaa it’s also my latest #blog entry sorry guys i just really need to talk about this album winnowing.neocities.org/microblog

our terrifying 12k+ baby of the 18k baby

YES i’ll be free tmr i’ll be #on The Doc

wahhh omg no i didn’t see :(((

i was on the doc just a few secs ago bc i had the urge to rewrite some of this section again…. stopped myself…..

I was also translating the French rap project Pretty Dollcorpse with my friends. It came out in October; I listened to it at a friend’s urging in November, and it quickly rose up the ranks as one of my favorite releases of last year. I can recommend it with no holds barred, but please do note that the project was realized as the contending and conversation of two artists with their respective traumatic experiences—child sexual abuse, juvenile prostitution, gender dysphoria, and homophobic bullying, to name the most prominent themes. The “doll” motif emerges to signal the breakability, breaking, and subsequent (and almost antithetical?) corpsification of an object meant to be—but is not quite—cute/pretty. Here inserting a Sianne Ngai excerpt with diction that resonates: “... commercially manufactured dolls were made almost solely of hard materials, with easily breakable, finely painted bisque heads mounted on bodies made of wood, pewter, steel, and even “electroplated sheet metal.” Like the fully jointed, highly ornate, talking Big Beauty advertised by the American Mechanical Doll Works Company in 1895, most of these dolls were also mechanical or machinelike and easily breakable—which is to say, by contemporary standards, not particularly cute.”

In that same section, Ngai discusses Francis Ponge anthropomorphizing an orange in L’Orange to conceptualize the human construction, manufacturing and imposition of cuteness in/of/onto objects—which typically involves giving them face, making them humanlike and thus cute(r) but not-human in a way that often prevents cuteness from being fully realized—as a violent and dominating gesture. For some context, here’s L’Orange’s first paragraph translated: “Like the sponge, the orange aspires to regain face after enduring the ordeal of expression. But where the sponge always succeeds, the orange never does; for its cells have burst, its tissues are torn. While the rind alone is flabbily recovering its form, thanks to its resilience, an amber liquid has oozed out, accompanied, as we know, by sweet refreshment, sweet perfume-but also by the bitter awareness of a premature expulsion of pips as well.” In the poem, the coercive bestowing of face—humanlikeness—is, against conventional expectation, actively disempowering and humiliating; it is an ordeal that makes the anthropomorphized orange “lose face.” It’s violent, in a way, especially because cuteness is constructed → imposed and its assignation is not consented to by the orange/ analogously lifeless object similarly unable to consent e.g. doll. “With its exaggerated passivity, there is a sense in which the cute thing is the most reified or thinglike of things, the most objectified of objects or even an “object” par excellence.” When uncanny life is bestowed onto the forcibly-made-cute thing for its makers to commodify it however they see fit, the objectification that comes with being a humanized-but-not-human object can be of greater(?) injury.

This is where we go back to Pretty Dollcorpse, and I’m thinking of the lines “Pour cette merde, on meurt, de toute façon, on était déjà morts/ Déjà morts bien avant l'heure” and “Ça m'enrichit quand tous ces gueux s'la touchent en m'guettant nécroser” in particular. Translation: “For this shit, we die, anyway, we were already dead/ Dead way before the hour came” + “It gets me filthy rich when those beggars jack off to my necrosis.” Children have restricted—if not a complete lack of—exercisable autonomy; for some in abusive environments or on walks of life structurally consigned to disposability, this is akin to a lack of life, something-like-death. Then when you have your sense of barely-self and what little you can exercise of that childhood autonomy trampled all over by something so personally violating like sexual abuse and the forcible commodification of your body, it can be a “death” that keeps you dying over and over again, reinforcing that not-life-ness of oppressive childhood over and over. As a kid, you’re denied autonomy and personhood in a way that renders you property of the Family—property of adults—an object; then broken, with breakability perceived of you, you become a doll, imbued with commodified purpose you didn’t ask for, and becoming-doll is becoming-dead again, just more(?) injuriously in a way, a slow, necrotizing process. You’re forced to live out your commercial purpose and monetary value, and purchasedness and/or purchasability defines your entire not-life not-death unending process of dying. (Woah sounds like a certain someone talking about boughtness! Consult Contenere Pg13.)

So that’s the type of doll-ness I was working with in the other project. I think the thematic core of Pretty Dollcorpse bled into Dolly’s preoccupation with wanting life/ being forced (though by whom? just State of Things gestured vaguely at?) to live a not-life/ wanting the viscerality of death, which would’ve meant she at least did live, fully, for a while—something richer than the boxed-up not-life she experiences with/in a body she dispossesses. Dolly starts off incredibly bitter, you know. She’s ridiculous, and the things she thinks up are ridiculous, so instances like her being jealous of the teddy bear for “getting to” get vomit particles on him end up being almost funny. (frenchie note: i laughed at that part, along with the stupid fucker namecalling because girl… girl how do you know that… so um, it is funny… to me.) But I sometimes reread the first dollysection and feel sad for her—there’s a sense of having been wronged that she keeps lashing against and trying to win over, even to the end, in her dejected “ha” interjections and the quietness—not passivity—with which she receives and reacts to everything, that “I have been wronged all (not-)life long, and now weird things that don’t necessarily leave me feeling wronged are happening, but I’m used to (what I think is) the worst, so whatever happens happens” undercurrent of her every thought and in how she strings them into language.

the postmortem for CONTENERE, our #dollandkigujam hybrid novella, is coming soon! in the meantime, i’ve excerpted here some reflections on pretty dollcorpse, an album that helped shape how i wrote morbidity into one of our character’s desire for life

the dove page! 6 different types of doves identified & illustrated- though unsure what their english names are? any bird fans willing to weigh in? ချိုး = dove (definition: “bird that coos & is in the same family as pigeons”); the subtypes: ချိုးစိမ်း ၊ ချိုးနီတို ၊ ချိုးပိန်တူး ၊ ချိုးလင်းပြာ ၊ ချိုးလည်ပြောက် ၊ ချိုးသိမ်း

player positions named & diagrammed for ထုပ်ဆီးတိုး/ essentially burmese hopscotch? i think? sad to say i’ve never played it & still don’t fully understand even with the very nice schematics. here’s a video: https://youtu.be/sPLsITNPoOc?si=R0Uk0kxRoMOI8bC1

parts of a rampart labelled. side note: big fan of သူရဲ/warrior’s loose homonymy with သရဲ/ghost in this context. the chemin de ronde becomes “(space for) warrior (to) run” homonymous with “(space for) ghost (to) run”; the embrasures of the parapet become “(space for) warrior/ghost (to) stealth”

parts of a carriage labelled !!! so many !! 28! i don’t know any of the words. i haven’t ever heard or even read them used. the illustration you see on the page before is of a boat; carriage & boat are both လ-words

crossposting ∵ everyone needs to see/ i think this thing is awesome. MLC burmese dictionary, 2nd ed. from ’08; packing now & trying to make room for it... archaisms + technical/ otherwise obscure terminology all illustrated/ diagrammed. some examples+ more details in alt text ^_^

oh yayy

the ghost of bob saget is car seat headrest’s best & it’s because will toledo #stole from a woman 💔 read asscastle

a dog, a cow

💗💗💗 reading your response to anon warmed my heart wahh reading & writing & loving & thinking forever

"i am beautifully neutered
green brat vertebrate
i have hydrophobic bones
refusing low-tide sex pheromones"

—t.r. san

beestungmag.com/issue20/one-...

💜💜 thank you so much for reading!

paypal.me/kiridifferent hi. thanks for all that helped and sorry for asking again. I need around 75-100$ for monthly groceries sorry

motel psychosis

a poem in @burialmagazine.bsky.social from last week. robotgirls internalize the panopticon & sororize with dead & drowned girls. this is again also a poem about sex: burialmagazine.neocities.org/motelpsychosis

shameless bsky/twt crossposting starts Now

pieces of my hybrid novella for #dollandkigujam

it’s about dolls and girls and being really weird about love and loneliness

wrote it with @thoushallkill.bsky.social

catreturn.itch.io/contenere

& so there must be by t.r. san [i] always something, a reed broken or slim, erect from marshland, in clumps like acne, kaposi’s sarcoma—already a wave, the unbraiding of breeze. in breezeless sweltering of motels. yellow walls—l

don't miss today's t.r. san!!

"[iii]

-bleeding, the pagescreen is red
from squiggles, micro-soft

hums… do you hear the ripples,
numerous, small as you read?

there is life
& are bodies, far as your eyes
decide to take

you"

https://www.havehashad.com/r8vx2

I was stunted in many ways, and still am. I keep wanting to run my fingers through the dangly jiggly clean-mess of Kaythi’s hair like a new child would with her new mother.

FIXATION by @thoushallkill.bsky.social

www.bruisermag.com/san_Fixation

yes ! she prompted my rabbitholing actually

realizing now w/ only a handful of people following me here i can post w/e i want, & publicly - it’s freeing

re: the latter, a clarifying read on hip hop linguistics & translation of & into multimodal forms: newvoices.arts.chula.ac.th/index.php/en...

my biggest musical discoveries this year are xlov (& adjacent queer korean acts - there’s a lively & very trans electronic scene) & french underground rap, which i got into through the pretty dollcorpse project (which i’m helping my friends translate into english! stoked about that)

How to Pretend

open.spotify.com/track/4IKG0o... this song sounds like goddess madoka oh my god

one of the best in the scene rn i’m so glad they’re gaining more traction after opening for nina

hihi !! it *is* rough, i’m usually more active on a smaller + locked account on twt so adjusting to increased presence on a public account is a little jarring too haha. but we’re trying !

it’s the same five topics of discourse recycled over & over again yeah being on that site really does destroy thought

Issue Ninety - SmokeLong Quarterly

www.smokelong.com/issue-ninety/