crumpledozarkian

Francis Ford Coppola announces a prequel to his legendary series focusing on Michael’s angsty pre-mafia teen years: “God, Father!”

if you say “how are ya” and I say “doin good, u” don’t ever 1up me with a grammar ass “doing well.” you always match me on “doin good” (or lesser if stuff actually sucks)

i'd argue that the boomers imported millions of cheap plastic trophies and forced us into the participation award ceremonies against our will in the 90's, so quit hazing us over it and hold urselves accountable you fkn dorks

the other day I saw a young man stuck on the side of the road so I pulled over. he says “hey Mr. I’m having trouble, can you help me train the models for my LLM?”

I just smirked and looked at his girl in the passenger seat and said “time to move on, hun” what happened to Real men these days

“tell ya what, I’m gonna act like i didn’t” *wink*

while ur goal is being at "Knott's Berry Farm" my goal is being "Not Buried, Fam." ur deeply unserious and it's embarrassingly apparent

yumie

if you pull up to scoop me and I open the passenger door and don’t hear rock and roll blaring, no fresh cig to hand me? yeah I’m slamming that door back and kickin your tailpipe until you punch the gas. take your favor to some charity case

if we are sitting in a room and someone starts to give a presentation on my top YouTube videos by view count I can guarantee a CATASTROPHIC technical issue alongside screamed, super vague threats + social engineering to turn everyone against each other

throws you into a deep sea of grey area emotions

i love when lo-effort insults make you totally give up, some dude called los angeles "Smell-A" and i'm just like fuck....stink does occur here....

imagine ur at home with your gorgeous, beautiful wife, an entire evening open for passion and absolute pleasure. instead, u say "let's spend $50 and go watch a millionaire boy pretend to be a freaking legend." is there anything more embarrassing and void of passion? (Crumpled on "The Cinema")

where would you LEAST want your ashes scattered?

if you can’t notice when the soap opera smoothing effect is enabled on a tv I will never do you a favor

applying to jobs reminds me daily that i'm not a disabled veteran and i prob never will be, but i'll do it if that's what it takes

I spit egg nog all over my android tablet when I saw this thanks Ron

screw the meme, u are not “just a girl.” Ur so freaking spontaneous, brilliance, and drop dead gorgeous baby and I truly want u to know this

cheers was filmed before a live studio audience.

slams laptop open until dead

*see a modern caveman struggling to remove his flimsy metrocard from his fanny pack to manually slide it at the turnstile*

*tap my Apple Watch Ultra© to pay the MTA seamlessly with BILT rewards card integration*

*make direct eyeroll contact, blast Alicia Keys/Jay-Z song, shake head and laugh*

the worst thing about having a passion for your career is having no real friends to bore with your passion for your career

not many people spoke with him

every holiday season gets a little stressful, but usually my grandfather’s nearly-last words kinda kick things into perspective “nothin wrong with tokin a bong and havin long schlong hahaha”

there’s somethin happenin’ here

but what it is ain’t exactly there

i’m THANKFUL for everyone keeping their little life blessings to themselves and not annoying me with them while i’m trying to get this dead bird hot enough in the center that we aren’t all throwing haymakers for a turn at the porcelain come nightfall

They make my beers popsicles cause I drink them too fast haha

“ron is back with a fucking clipboard and sunglasses on again”

insane and uncomedic that “very naughty” Benjamin Stiller @benstiller.redhour.com would not purchase a Big Fan a topical christmas gift (old ass hat) in the middle of a Knicks game. no one talk to Ben ok!

when you don’t react to an insta story I’ve secretly/specifically posted for you I remove one strand of your collected hair from the doll I made in your image

My Very Energetic Mother Just Seen Using Narcotics