Paul

Damn Sue Hawk caused 9/11 is a Survivor fan theory even I’ve never heard

We all saw Robert Irwin’s ass in those pants right?

(This is satire btw, I would never be that honest about my feelings)

So sick of all these commitmentphobes bro, all I said was I wanna stand with you on a mountain and I wanna bathe with you in the sea 🙄

This is absolutely fucking disqualifying. We’ve been doing this with Trump for TEN YEARS now and he has never once come to the bargaining table in good faith.

Please resign immediately if you are too unthinkably stupid to have figured that out yet.

It didn’t help that every single piece of pregame media was “This is too complicated to enjoy” written by reporters who couldn’t even bother to understand games I could easily replicate in a middle school classroom.

One of the most embarassing things about me is the way I yearn for the pommel horse guy

Las Culturistas awards was a 10/10 for me.

More water cooler tv!

(The 2025 water cooler is your gayest group chat)

Having my friends exist in their own weird subcultures is hard sometimes because I have no one to text about how absolutely gorgeous young Luke Bryan was

“Born To Fly”, specifically when she asks if there’s a brown eyed boy in her future

CBS is sending mixed messages by telling me to prioritize my mental wellness and then immediately starting a new season of Big Brother

Having feelings for a man is so embarassing.

Like the thing that caused all human suffering? That’s what you want to spend time with?

Horrifying.

This couldn’t have been posted at a more appropriate time

Just finished my first day back after Great Lakes and after getting a promotion and it went really well and the cute guy at the bus stop keeps looking over at me.

Life is truly nothing if not a roller coaster.

Finally in an uber heading home from Baltimore and the driver apparently has cued up an entire album of saxophone covers of Whitney Houston.

I, also, have nothing, nothing, nothing.

Every time I’m at an airport I seem to get in line behind a group of people discovering the concept of an airport for the first time.

Of course they have a ton of liquids.

Of course they have hundreds of electronics in their carryons.

Tickets? Never heard of her!

I hate gay Halloween because what do you mean you’re a little seal girl living in a seal world and it’s so hard to get by cuz seals can’t even cry

At least it’s aptly named

A game we famously got hosed on 😂

I’m one of the executive producers and cohosts for this game and can confirm it would be a highlight of your summer. Hmu for more info!

Overcompensating’s commitment to showing me every male character’s butt has not gone unnoticed.

Thank you Benito, you’re doing God’s work.

If you don’t have Juveria on your Traitors fantasy cast, keep it

I’M NOT MATCHING WITH YOU IF YOU’RE THE PRESS SECRETARY FOR A RIGHT WING NUT JOB SENATOR

Dating in DC is impossible.

Men are horrible.

Thank you for listening.

One episode in and my crush on Benito Skinner has reached critical mass and I think this show is gonna slap to high heaven.

Redownloading Hinge always feels like something has already gone wrong

I’m 10 seconds into “Overcompensating” and they got it right.

If you’ve seen it, you know.

Just saw two Mormons running for a train that was pulling away and one of them yelled “Oh Fudge!”.

Life in the city is, as always, excellent.

“Speak Now”

This is a fancy way of saying I might get cajoled into going out tonight, send Gatorade and aspirin.

The problem with going out one weekend is that the next weekend, people are going to be like, “Are you coming out again??”

No.

I went out.

Last Friday!

You were there, you should remember!