Matt Storrs

With the NFL cracking down on smelling salts, this is an embarrassing time to think poppers and smelling salts are the same thing.

I seriously thought they were doing poppers on the sidelines.

The person that came up with the phrase “it's the thought that counts” definitely had ADHD.

Some comedians like to do shows on the road. Me, I like to go on the road so long as it’s the same weekend as a craft fair that's within driving distance.

A lot of you didn't get to have amoxicillin in bubblegum flavor and it shows.

Remember, anyone who tells you that “there's more than one way to skin a cat” has skinned at LEAST two cats. They are not to be trusted.

The real villain in Gotham is inaccessibility.

We have hundreds of former henchmen with serious lasting injuries.

We need a need more ramps not more Batman lamps!

The best part of Superman was how many men tried to hold the door open for others afterwards.

If the White House is highlighting how they use ICE to arrest all these immigrants that abused children, maybe we should let ICE handle the Epstein investigation.

Samson was the original simp

I don’t use dating apps anymore. Instead i scratch the itch trying to final a therapist on Psychology Today. “You practice chair therapy. That’s a red flag.”

I think it's a crime that streaming services don't offer Comic Sans as a font for the subtitles

I know I'm having trouble processing my brother’s death because I've started listening to ska again.

Watching Twilight for the first time, my main takeaway is how effective Google used to be. You could search for “The Cold One” and find out everything about vampires.

Shooting our videos is a little bit different now.

the basic message of the republican party is “fuck you, you’re on your own.”

Given the government's decision to strip healthcare from citizens, our only hope lies in a group of mercenaries harvesting and dispersing Dinosaur DNA to cure heart disease.

Jurassic World Rebirth is my favorite Altoids commercial

I really struck a nerve here. I stand by what I said.

“He wanted to be cremated. But I think that’s what everyone in the family wants. We should ask for a family discount!”

“We won’t know unless we ask.”

Big news vampire fans! They’re adding Blade to Marvel Rivals and his theme is shockingly similar to the blood rave theme from 1998’s Blade

“I’m not sure which of you is going to inherit our 50th anniversary plates.”

“You mean the whole family estate?”

My fiancée is out of town and you know what they say “When the cat’s away, the mouse will eat cheese he can’t digest.”

Let's look into the Fix the City claim that Zohran Mamdani is a dangerous choice for New York City's mayor

Did you know you have Mario Kart rights?!

How now-DHS Secretary Kristi Noem felt about a president potentially federalizing the National Guard one year ago:

My therapist canceled on me to get a Switch 2

We’re ready to defend you in Mario Kart World!

NYC has the most attractive people in the world!

Ebola can't stop friendship

“I can't believe that man is brushing his teeth on the train,” I say while flossing my teeth on the same train.