Matt Storrs

Since the Cubs lost, Chicagoans have nothing left to keep them going except looking out for their neighbors. Doesn't look good for ICE

I love this image.

If you don’t pay a guy who isn’t tall and who cooks in a restaurant you short a short short order cook.

One good thing about the impending government shutdown is I'll have way more time to restore the sword I found on the street.

a woman says let 's do it yassss while standing in a living room ALT: a woman says let 's do it yassss while standing in a living room

What the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City can teach us about different warload leadership styles

Have you ever wanted to see who would win in a fight: Wallace Shawn or Todd Barry? Then the movie Vamps is for you.

What I love about the movie Vamps is that it feels like a bunch of actors who live in the same Manhattan high-rise all got together to make a movie.

I’m convinced the “Live in Ohio” ads from 2022 were a direct result of the bad press created by Meredith’s husband to Ohio’s reputation during The Real Housewives of SLC

Polycules are like multilevel marketing schemes. If I'm invited to join, it means they're about to collapse, and a Netflix documentary is forthcoming.

The Dremel tool really helped me remove rust from the sword I found on the street

Even Snakes need a good lawyer

Metal Gear Solid Delta: Snake Eater

I will not stand for this Snuggie slander in Alien Earth

A text I just sent:
I wanted to see if you might have a dremel tool or sander that I might be able to borrow to better clean the rusty street sword I found.

Burning the flag is the best way to dispose of it

Relationsh*t! Hosted by Lynn Bixenspan and Morgan Pielli, Relationshit features a mix of stories about all kinds of relationships and good old-fashioned new-fangled advice from REAL-LIFE THERAPISTS ONSTAGE. Featuri...

Oh hey!

Relationshit, my storytelling and onstage therapy show with real therapists is happening this Saturday the 23rd at 5pm at QED in Astoria!

Featuring:
David Lawson
@mattstorrs.bsky.social
@maxfine.bsky.social
Wilson McDermut

AND MORE?!

qedastoria.com/products/rel...

If you could pick 3 movies to make the worst movie marathon what would you choose? Mine are:
1. Highlander 2: The Quickening
2. Pride & Prejudice: A Latter-Day Comedy
3. Megalopolis

What are yours?

My new go-to excuse for being late is “Sorry, I was learning close-up magic.”

With the NFL cracking down on smelling salts, this is an embarrassing time to think poppers and smelling salts are the same thing.

I seriously thought they were doing poppers on the sidelines.

The person that came up with the phrase “it's the thought that counts” definitely had ADHD.

Some comedians like to do shows on the road. Me, I like to go on the road so long as it’s the same weekend as a craft fair that's within driving distance.

A lot of you didn't get to have amoxicillin in bubblegum flavor and it shows.

Remember, anyone who tells you that “there's more than one way to skin a cat” has skinned at LEAST two cats. They are not to be trusted.

The real villain in Gotham is inaccessibility.

We have hundreds of former henchmen with serious lasting injuries.

We need a need more ramps not more Batman lamps!

The best part of Superman was how many men tried to hold the door open for others afterwards.

If the White House is highlighting how they use ICE to arrest all these immigrants that abused children, maybe we should let ICE handle the Epstein investigation.

Samson was the original simp

I don’t use dating apps anymore. Instead i scratch the itch trying to final a therapist on Psychology Today. “You practice chair therapy. That’s a red flag.”

I think it's a crime that streaming services don't offer Comic Sans as a font for the subtitles

I know I'm having trouble processing my brother’s death because I've started listening to ska again.