Were you alive in 2025?

You might be entitled to compensation

A Monday the 13th where we all have to go to work on a national holiday is far more cursed than any Friday the 13th

The people: they don't make comedies like they used to

The industry: Fine! We'll reboot The Office, Naked Gun, Spinal Tap and Happy Gilmore all within three months

I was diagnosed with testicular cancer ten years ago today.

Somehow, my childhood babysitter heard and came to visit. Touched my heart that she cared.

As she was leaving, we had a special moment. She leaned in and said “if you want, I can give you a 15% discount on Herbalife if you sign up today”

In case you were wondering where your tax dollars were going

There's a young comedian who has the same name as my grandma who died in 2009.

So bizarre to see bubbe’s name on bar show fliers

Gotta love that this year’s VMAs, a show for young people, were broadcast on CBS, a network for old people

Truly offended that all the new SNL cast members are younger than me, a 37-year-old who still thinks he’s 24

"Travis and Taylor are engaged" may be the whitest sentence in history

I was bar mitzvahed 24 years ago today. Truly crazy my parents decided to bar mitzvah me at 1 and I’m only 25 now

I saw The Who on their farewell tour last night. They were great. Truth be told though, I spent most of the night going up to strangers and saying “I liked them better when they were called The Whom”

Forgive me father for I have used the group chat for self-promotion

It was a real missed opportunity on Riverdale’s part to not name the show “Tween Peaks”

They didn’t like the videos or anything but they did take a look

Don’t wanna brag too hard here but I just got a notification that nine people viewed my TikTok account

Two pictures of my bike pulled from an Instagram story. It’s an orange specialized sirrus elite with purple flowers on the handlebars.

Bike was stolen out of my back yard in Astoria NY. Any share for reach is appreciated. It has purple flowers zip tied to the handlebars, a double kickstand and a sticker that says “Patrick Molloy’s 20th annual funeral cookout”

Colbert’s next few years

Now-May 2026: Viking death ship of a talk show where he gets increasingly cynical, boosting ratings

June 2026-2028: Colbert rejoins Stewart on TDS

2028-30: Gets into Broadway. Wins a Tony

2031: Stars in a buddy comedy w/ Carell

2032: Wins election and becomes President

If my phone rings, I assume it’s either spam or my fam

Why don’t they teach us these things in school?!?!

Turned 37 yesterday. Have unbearable back pain today. Sometimes, God works in mysterious ways. Today, He’s pretty on the nose

“F. Murray Abraham is young and he’s on a funicular.” - My dad describing Grand Budapest Hotel

Thank you kindly!

Real ID (noun): a form of identification you have to use a full PTO day to acquire

My wife: I’m going to bed at 8 p.m.

Me: cool, I’m going to bed at 9 p.m.

My 2 yo daughter who has no sense of time: I think I’ll go to sleep at 40 p.m.

This is the darkest timeline:

• The House can't kill the Big Beautiful Bill

• The guy from Kill Bill dies

Commenting “wow, this is the only good list, everyone else got it wrong but you” on every New York Times top ten movies of the 2000s post I see

BREAKING:

Zohran to host the SNL season premiere with musical guest Mr. Cardamom

After seeing the cerebral “Nightbitch” and nervy “Speak No Evil,” I can say with full authority that no one is doing entitled, ineffective bumbling modern dad better than Scoot McNairy.

Dude is a tour de force at bad onscreen parenting

People say Mitch Hedberg and I are a lot alike because neither of us has written a good joke in 20 years

20s: I don’t want this night to ever end

30s: I don’t want this nap to ever end