Emma

You don’t get warned about how intense emotional flashbacks can be. And this impending surgery is causing them to play havoc!

I haven’t heard your Voice is so, so long… but I can hear you laughing at me, right now. Even in what I think is our permanent estrangement, there are the odd flickers…

Proud of you dear. 🖤

Tomorrow I find out the results of my ovarian c*ncer tests/scans. I am more frightened than I can ever remember myself being (but hey, trauma memory tricks are a blessing, right!?…)

I’m not ashamed to say that, as a pretty committed atheist, I have actually been PRAYING. I’ve been desperate!

Watch movies/shows, drink tea, write when I can, cry a bit

Molly 🖤

2026 did not get off to I get start. I was told yesterday that I will most likely need surgery to remove an ovarian cyst, or possible my ovary.

First up though, I have to deal with having a blood test that’s to “rule out” That.

(I can’t even type the word…)

I’m a mess.

The Voices are really, really running rampant right now and I’m thinking a lot about them “being trauma” and I don’t understand why my trauma would want me to walk into the ocean naked but okay then.

listening to the #BeetlejuiceMusical soundtrack. going for my birthday and again in Sept for the AD. I think there may be more visits…

it’s all unravelling a bit.

If you’re so concerned about my physical health and that’s your genuine reason for stopping my meds, why haven’t you sent me for even a simple blood test!? ECG!? I smell bullshit. You’re just one of those “BPD pusher” shrinks.

🙏 thought not

He was very young. Well, younger than usual.

I was kinda hoping he’d go down the CPTSD route but basically everything is EUPD. Flashbacks = EUPD. 😞

My body is not going to be happy withdrawing from stuff I’ve been on 10+ years. Not sure my brain will handle it too well, either! 💙

because he was the first psych I ever told about the CSA, and the extent of my trauma, and he just went “oh your voices are just trauma…”

Invalidating.

So… new shrink was VERY EUPD/BPD heavy, and wants me off most of my meds. This appointment concluded with stopping Abilify and Buspar - with a counteracting increase in propranolol.

I left anxious about the future. Certain meds have literally saved me from hospitalisation.

And I felt sick.

Relate to this 🖤

Staff OD’d me on my sleeping pills Monday night and I slept great. Since then… it’s been shit!

talking to the Voices in your head is less interesting now that they don’t want to engage in the conversation, and just make white noise that gives you a migraine.

(Yes, yes, it’s also less Crazy. But hush now!) 😜

delusional parasitosis usually shows up before some sort of mental health crisis, so I can’t pretend I’m not worried right now.

I have had a nice weekend, but I also drank and have felt The Grief so bad. Sat in my hotel room incredibly lonely and sad right now.

in a really, really, really bad place mentally, and I have con at the weekend and it’s too late to cancel my hotel so I’ll have lost £500 if I don’t go…

Mirtazapine 45mg started. Hoping for quick results and no side effects! Although having TRD results are… scarily uncertain!

got psoriasis on my ear. itchy and depressed. it’s certainly a mood.

Snow Fairy galore!

GP contacted re: escalating depression.

Burns cleaned and dressings applied.

Pills handed over for “safety.”

Mental Health Monday.

Therapy was tough but exactly what I needed to get some shit I’ve been carrying for too long off my chest. I feel so much lighter. Haven’t SI’d or drank today. Progress.

You know things are Bad when you debate calling the “crisis team”

Depression escalated into self injury (burning) and I am terrified.

I woke up and thought I was making a mistake, or at least needed more time to think, so I cancelled the appointment.

Starting to accept the fact I’m just gonna have to learn to live with severe depressive episodes that can’t be treated, certainly not by meds anyway.

I have an appointment with a private psychiatrist in Birmingham tomorrow, with a strong emphasis on #TMSTherapy. I don’t know if I’m making a mistake. But #TRD has left me hopeless and desperate for anything that is not another useless pill.