Teapot

Cops hate being hit with sandwiches because it reminds them of their fallen brother (Jared Fogle)

Laura Loomer got asked about one of my tweets in a deposition resulting in a shouting match and demanding an investigation over whether I'm actually Bill Maher

This leads me to wonder how easy it would be to acquire a Buckethead feature on a SoSus recording 👀

The new @weakenedfriends.bsky.social single came up on shuffle and had me thinking, "wow I didn't know they shred like this, kinda sounds like Buckethead tbh," then I noticed dude is literally a feature on the song lmao

never 4get Childhood Wii 🙏

civilization vi leader two turns before you destroy his lone attacking trebuchet unit with a missile cruiser

Didn’t want to believe this was true. It’s true.

Wishing a generational curse on the band who sold me the world's most uncomfortable and ill-fitting Gildan Heavy Cotton t-shirt for $30

@antonioreviews.bsky.social and I nearly pissed ourselves laughing at a party as we turned the lyrics of "Shut Up and Dance With Me" into Christian rock bullshit

"That virgin birthed a baby boy
I said ooooooo, bless up and pray with me"

It's taking everything in me to not leak the SoSus album artwork we just received. I had the visual concept in mind since we decided on the album name in 2023 and now it's finally real 😭

my teenager came home from college the other day, and told me that due to the woke mind virus, all of the students are REQUIRED to sing "now we all love AOC" instead of "now i know my ABCs" when they are singing the alphabet song before class begins. this is absolute madness

[yelling at the top of my lungs to another childless friend] oh im gonna have a kid that DIES in the water wars?? uhhh OKAY [noticing my friend that has an 8 year old is listening] i think darling Melissa will have 15-20 confirmed kills ❤️

Maybe the real Ship of Theseus was the Ship of Theseus we made along the way

Socially Suspect’s “Empire Of Rust” is the feel-bad song of the summer “They sold us a lie / It just gets worse no matter how you try.”

The recent @milwaukeerecord.bsky.social article about our new single is probably our favorite music write-up 🥰
milwaukeerecord.com/music/social...

i debated 100 six-year-olds about whether or not im Mr. Stinky

American Dad-ly Insurance

September 11, 2001. No, it wasn’t good.

My only meal of the day was this pint of ice cream. I'm what a six-year-old imagines being as an adult with autonomy to choose their own meals.

A second restaurant staff Happy Birthday charade just hit the hibachi grill

judge judy and executioner

No matter how bleak things feel, never forget that there’s a town in Georgia called Cumming and for many years its largest employer was Siemens.

First newsletter was published, and we leaked news that isn't coming out on socials for another day or two 🤯
sociallysuspect.beehiiv.com/p/greetings-...

A few of us watched our friend play Date Everything and I had to bite my tongue when everyone in the room was immediately disgusted by the catboy character

Granted he ended up sucking ass as soon as we talked to him so they weren't wrong

This is a show you don’t want to miss, gonna be a real good time

I also enjoy the phrasing of that being such a high bar—I clearly have a reputation for putting my body through the ringer

Top ten is just a hyperbole but I definitely regretted doing that lmao. Tera grabbed the wrong order so the wrap I ended up with gave me meat sweats throughout the night.

I'm not worried about Trump's budget bill. Why? Because I know that when it passes, the Democrats are going to "clap back" with an absolutely devastating retaliatory Harlem Shake video

I accidentally knocked over an amp mic at our last show, which has my brain in Overreaction Mode telling me to quit music because I'm a rowdy piece of shit who drinks too much then plays sloppily and annoys everyone with my antics

Tony Hawk's Pro Drunk Driver

Eating a huge shawarma wrap at 2 AM then immediately going to bed has to be in the top ten worst things I've put my body through