Piper Paige

Me: um, are you sure this is necessary for a prostate exam...?

Doctor, choking himself with a belt and jerking off: yes I, hnng, I went to doctor school I know, ah, what I'm doing. Now call me a pathetic little janitor and spit on me.

Literally me...

What if you worked in silicon valley and you were in a board meeting and said "hey guys I think we should make the Blowjob Robot from the book Getting Sucked Off by the Blowjob Robot is Awesome" and you heard the CEO say "digitize this idiot's consciousness into the Torment Nexus"

Me: yeah ok I'm not gonna play into your stupid ass learned helplessness shit, grow up

Baby: *spitting all over itself* baba

Me: aaaand there it is, the weaponized incompetence. Classic narcissist behavior. You're pathetic.

When I'm listening to Philip Glass and the rhythm changes very slightly after five minutes of the same measure on repeat

Hahaha

It's interesting that bi women who say "I like ALL women and ONE man" are often ridiculed, but if a bi man who says "I like ALL men and ONE woman" existed it would be heaven for a fujoshimaxxer cuck queen

French fry: don't you hate it when fries are cold and soggy? I'm a sogcel myself (ugh I know) but at least I can admit it. That makes me one of the good ones r-right??

Me, hovering over the trash: um, yeah buddy, sure

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!
It could save a life

"I can't fucking do this anymore, I'm seriously at my limit" - person on the verge of making an excellent album

"Finally decided I'm really gonna buckle down and learn Ableton" - person on the verge of taking their own life

Mom: the mail lady came by today, she said she's gonna swing by tomorrow to give you a package

Me: One, you're not allowed to say that anymore. Two, there's a lot of ladies that fit that description you gotta narrow it down a bit

How Mr. Bungle fans look at you when they show you a song that's just slap bass, fart noises, and a dude singing about pissing himself on the side of a highway (it's a metaphor for suicide)

WHAT

Met a dominant at a Steven Universe ice cream social. We went back to my place and they asked for my kinks. I said "idk I'm kinda vanilla, I like being a bad girl who needs to be punished." and they replied "Erm... Big yikes. Why would you want to be bad? Sounds like a red flag but ok." and left 😕

Being the only one in a trans polycule who didn't get an orchi so you feel like you have a cabal of eunuch advisors

Having sex and shaking my head the entire time so they don't think I'm AGP

Me: I mean you shouldn't get rid of it just because it's clocky, it's a part of you, if you want to get rid of it it should be on YOUR terms

Trans Flavor Flav, looking at her necklace: you're right... I really... Really needed to hear that

I had a dream I was reading the wiki for threesomes and under "Variations" it said "Male Male Female (MMF), also known as the Fujoshi's Triad..."

*trying to pick up someone at the anarchist book store* you know personally I've always felt nonbinary people CAN do the dishes

Death Note goes soooo hard if you think men are sexy

Me, eating hotdog: yummy 😋

Guy: I call those 'slopdogs', disgusting. Idk how you can eat that

Me, getting woozy and lightheaded from imagining getting slopped off by a dog girl: guhh um I um... I have to go....

I like Columbo cuz he's always making smug anime girl faces

Another day working at the dialectics factory. Everyone keeps asking if they can bear witness to the naked singularity of the zeitgeist. Buddy they won't even let me bear witness

Wife kicked me out of the house for the next few weeks after she showed me a positive pregnancy test and I called her a wombmaxxing pregcel 😒 sorry?? that humor is my way of coping??? in this fucked up twisted world??? I guess??

I like how race horses are usually named at birth so it's a total toss up whether or not they'll perform. Sometimes they'll be overconfident and name a foal something badass like 'Ricky Dracula' and it'll be beat on the track by a horse named 'Sir Gaylord'

Columbo investigating the murder of a trans girl,

Forgot about this one lmfaoo

Me: hey u ok you've been looking kinda rough lately

That one homie whose slow decay of the spirit is told through their flesh: yeah I'm good lol

Ty 🥺

Auteur horror director: heh, we decided against naming them "zombies" because there's a lot of nuance to how the infected act, they're not just brain eaters, we have a vision here,

Regular horror director: I called your mom a vampire cuz she suck me good and hard thru my jorts

The Beautiful Transsexual With An Obscene Hard-On