an ocean

how do i know if i express wanting to get close again, that i wont get hurt again?

and i wanna scream.

it's never ok to scream. but i want to fucking scream and cry and flail but that's not ok, but i'm so fucking overwhelmed and idk i'm worthless i think

fundamentally … no one has fucking space for a becs in their life the way she needs

and, no, it's not fucking new. this shits been creeping in over the past 6 months or more

i just don't have anything helping to keep it in anymore

i can't even get a fucking goddamn hug unless i fly out of the country

fr what the fuck did i do to deserve this?

fuuuuuuuck these depression thoughts wtf man

just absolutely crushing couple of months

i want to give up

i just don't want to be here anymore

every smile is a choice and every joy surface only

just fucking end it

what do you do when you feel taken for granted by people you thought were close friends?

i thrive on my connections to people, and rn it feels like i'm starving

would be a lie to say i don't feel like a freak that i haven't had sex in, like, over a year

a hug and being called a good girl could, unironically, fix me rn

tbh, i think id cry if it happened rn

vibrating with anxiety for some reason

i need some kind of touch, being held, something

it does so much for my nervous system and i've gone too long

truly feels like withdrawal

delayed emotional processing is a fuck

but i feel like all the connections i have now are from at least a year ago, when i could dissociate enough from that feeling to at least feel like i was a part of that culture

but now i can't and i'm just feeling lonelier and lonelier as it gets harder to relate to those experiences

my body's a feakshow, and i don't want it

that dick is NOT supposed to be there

and if it wasn't only 3 months out from finally doing something about it… idk what i'd do

idk

i feel like everyone around me just wants to fuck, and my dysphoria makes that feel revolting

so i just find myself around a bunch of horny ass trannies, desperately wanting to feel like one of them, conceptually *being* one of them

but wanting to vomit at the thought of even being seen naked

i don't want to do this anymore

why is this so hard?

behind me is a list of failed relationships, and at the core of all of them is me

the one who's never good enough
the one who's always fucking up
the one who never really understands what she's supposed to do in a relationship despite trying so hard

idk. i'm just another broken tranny i guess

one of the hardest core beliefs i have to unlearn is that i truly do not believe that i'll ever be truly loved

i will be loved, of course, but it will come with conditions. it will be earned

and god help me if it's given freely, because there's always a catch and that scares me

fuck i wish feeling horny didn't feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

site needs private accounts, istg

day i'm really going through it

day ending in y

girl who hasn't been held in a
month, and hasn't been kissed for even longer

fucking criminal state of affairs, tbh

it's real alt hours up in here now

hard to hold onto the vision of joy when the easiest story i can craft about my life is one of loss

i manage. but fuck it's hard, and it's a story i'm always consciously putting energy into rewriting to be closer towards the more joyful truth

but that's not a narrative i'm used to

i'm kinda killing it at my new job tho, which rocks

huh… i think i've been in an extended depressive episode since i got pip'd at my last job, back in june

oh right. i like attention lol lmao

ummmm… gonna make this my alt for more private stuff going forward, i think

will block liberally