Emotional Baggage Claim

Lady and the Tramp with ribs

a dad joke without a pun is a huge faux pa

I’m sorry.

Have you ever cried over spilled milk, though? It actually feels really good to let it out.

I’ve got a couple favorites on here, but I’m gonna have to go with my friend Gabe. We used to be in a band together!

my mind is the junk drawer of my body

I know I say no DMs, but every once in a while it wouldn’t be so bad.

British people apologize a lot. Just apologize back; it will confuse them.

If sugar can be a cute pet name for someone, so can high fructose corn syrup or sucralose.

Anonymous messages! Anonymous messages!

First thing that comes to your mind, go!

ngl.link/dressedtospill

This account smells like disappointment.

Just installed the wireless CarPlay adapter that I bought and instantly felt like I jumped up a tax bracket.

Thank you kindly!

a hot dog is a sandwich, (don’t) change my mind

Ew. I hate when that happens. Hang in there.

That is a lovely way to welcome visitors!

Aside from being alive, life is going pretty well.

That’s cool! I’ve always loved it, just no one ever made it. I have a couple times but I have to really want it.

Lasagna sounds soooooo good. I haven’t had it in years.

If you just have Mac and cheese ready all of the time, you may in fact be my hero.

Sorry, I’m just really craving Mac and cheese. 😂

I hope Flavor Flav remembered to turn his clock back one hour.

I always fluff my junk a little before I pee in case my smart watch is taking pictures.

my frown lines have more definition than my abs

5-7 different kinds of Mac and cheese.

You ever accidentally tense up for 15-20 years?

Never been. I’ll have to go for research.