A System of Unfortunate Events

Thank you. A two hour nap helped to at least reset me mentally. So, positives.

okay but hear me out.

what if my comorbid mental health disorders...

stopped being comorbid...

and i could have a single fucking second of peace.

having DID is always a trip. like.

what do you mean one of us wants to learn Russian, or study physics, or learn how to throw knives, or get into a fistfight, or get into a fistfight, or get into a fistfight.

tbh, it's getting kinda hard to veto the fistfight. too many of us would love to do it.

everytime i see someone apologize in the notes of their fic for it being "ooc" or "ignoring canon" (after tagging it as such)

babes, lemme hold your hands.

fanfic isn't canon. you don't gotta apologize. i don't want it to be canon. i clicked on this soft-fluff-fix-it because the canon made me mad.

taught it to myself in a pair of chunky heels boots too.

i miss those shoes. i should buy a new pair. i quite enjoyed being nearly six feet tall.

seeing people talk about learning the Bucky walk as a strut.

i taught myself that strut as a teenager so that people would get the fuck out of my way. i taught myself that walk as a teenager because it made me feel hella masc and made me feel like i passed better.

i still do that walk.

can't wait for therapy tomorrow.

i know my therapist is going to be expecting thanksgiving drama.

and instead it's something entirely different, and frankly speaking, worse.

and our schedule for the next month is so incredibly fucked, that i'm sure we'll just be able to scratch the surface. :)

Hi. Yes. As a system with DID, the fanfic idea of Bucky and Winter being two separate personalities that make up James Barnes post-Hydra.

*chefs kiss* Immaculate. Gimme more.

Things in writing that are just hell.

Autocorrect not catching mistakes/fixing things that are right, or remembering which position characters are in.

But my least favorite has to be writing long scenes of dialogue.

Stop talking. Start kissing. You fucking idiots.

But the plot demands it.

My therapist will be pleased by this introspective moment in my character arc.

Anyways. I too wish to hold hands with an idiot and share kisses and be known.

But instead I have no friends, am being forced to take care of family I don't like, and leave the house to grocery shop.

Good to dream tho

Reading sweet, cutesy fanfics and muttering to myself as I hit the kudos button, "Gods I fucking hate you two. You're fucking gross. I hate you both."

But it's said with love, truly. So much love.

And perhaps, if I'm being rather introspective, a small dose of jealousy.

Oh look. It's the mental breakdown that was foretold by two alters popping up out of nowhere.

Whoever could have predicted that this was going to happen.

My family asked me for a favor this weekend, which meant not having a weekend off. Which I acquiesced to, because we've been getting along decently.

Only for them to immediately fuck me over, and for them to seem confused that I am pissed off.

You dumb cunts. Don't ask for a fucking thing again.

so this entire hyperfixation spiral has been two dumbasses (which TWO?!?! TWO THAT JUST KEPT QUIET!?) going "hey look! it me!" "hey look! it me!" "hey look! it us!"

i would be more upset. if this wasn't, objectively, fucking hilarious.

hyperfixated so hard on an old hyperfixation that i found out why it was so easy to slip back into.

having DID is an experience, ya'll. having DID and realizing years later that there have just been alters chilling that never interacted with anyone else is just...

my therapist deserves a raise.

I also pulled out the "I could take them both" line, about Bucky and Steve. And she went "You just told me they were super soldiers?!"

And I looked this woman in the eyes and replied, "Yes. And I could take them both. Not in a fight. But I could take them both."

Her expression was pure horror.

"Traumatize them back!"

I just lore dumped for an hour on my mother, who hasn't watched a Marvel movie since the 2nd Iron Man came out, about James Buchanan Barnes.

She now knows what a headcanon, fanon, and y/n means. I have told her there is more.

Traumatize them back.

Traumatize them worse.

can't wait to see my therapist next week and for her to be like "so how was thanksgiving?" and for me to go "oh it was fine. my current issues stem from emotionally unavailable fictional men, who are now new alters, because the holiday went fine, but my brain said bet."

i cannot. i repeat. i cannot get back into avengers hcs and fanfics

i refuse to be emotional over tony stark or steve rogers or james bucky barnes

i simply refuse

[despite this refusal, i have been almost exclusively getting avengers hc videos on tt, and many emotions are being felt]

in this. the year 2025. i was just served a Hemlock Grove tiktok. which would have been enough to be fucking wild.

but it was a Roman/Peter tiktok.

fucking. cinema.

I only got about five hours. But I do remain uninjured. Hooray!

It also wasn't a good sleep! I woke up injured and exhausted still! Fucking bullshit.

Injured myself while sleeping last night. Fucked my neck up so much I had a heating pad on almost all day, and it still hurts. And because of how I was holding my neck, my shoulders hurt now too.

I am now procrastinating going to sleep for fear of injuring myself again.

I am so tired.

hear me out...

what if i wrote a bkdk poem, that was so heavy on metaphors, from the pov of katsuki, that was simply about how izuku is his sun?

yea...

what if...

archiveofourown.org/works/73552491

if i see one more absolutely gorgeous, heartwrenching, jawdropping, perfect bkdk amv/edit on tiktok i'm going to go feral.

i'm going to start barking at the doors. scratching at the walls. howling at the moon.

goddamn. i fucking love those two.

i haven't watched bnha since s3, just couldn't keep my interest going. HOWEVER. i have kept up with major arcs, because i love it, and even if i do watch it i don't mind spoilers.

so seeing people reacting to the new season has got me hyped. not bc i'm going to go rewatch it.

but for the fanfic.

i have felt this way for three days.

i am exhausted.

i still do not know what is causing the overstimulation.

hear me out...

what if i wasn't so overstimulated that i wanted to rip my skin off?

hmm? what if.

Ah. I had almost begun to forget what it felt like to be ignored whenever I tried to share my hobbies with my family.

Anyway. Read a really cool book. It was really cool. I liked it a lot. And I recommend it a bunch.

Blood Over Bright Haven by M. L. Wang

im tired and would like to go to sleep.

however. like a small child who has had their scheduled nap time disrupted.

i am over-tired, near tears, and want to scream for an hour.