@guiromelans.bsky.social
I make stupid jokes to mask my anxiety
It's cute when they talk with French accents
01.11.2025 04:51 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Saturday is Deep Fried Clams Day. Because EVERY day is Clams Day... It's Learn to Homebrew Day. In the US, that's called tap water. And it's Give Up Your Shoulds Day. As in, I should throw all this left over candy away.
01.11.2025 04:49 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0There's no way the girl would believe the new kid's outrageous (but completely true) story. They totally wrote themselves into a corner there and just said, "Fuck it, she believes him."
90% stingers. You just started to ignore them after a while.
1.5 stars.
Why would the ghost make up rules? There's no reason the kids would follow the rules.
Why is the ghost so angry with the new kid?
Why did the new kid care so much about the girl? Because she was pretty? They were all assholes, but especially her.
Angry teens torment angry old lady. Old lady kills self, invites kids to phone a friend.
Wasn't "the" call. Was at least five calls.
The calls were pointless.
Why would the kids follow the rules? There's no reason for them to follow the rules.
www.imdb.com/title/tt1297...
I also liked the cop's whole story arc.
There were a lot of screaming and inevitable betrayals.
The interrogation with the Jesus statue was well done.
Misleading movie art: -1 star.
3 stars.
Someone's mass murdering kids in Mexico. Could it be Satanists trying to stop the Third Coming? Nah. Satanists trying to stop the Third Coming ensues.
I was not surprised when the evil priest turned out to be the hero (spoiler), but I was happy it went that way.
www.imdb.com/title/tt3662...
For what it's worth, Azrael is the Islam angel of death.
4.5 stars. @jonbeanhastings.bsky.social Highly recommended.
This was great. Without dialogue you have to pick up a lot from context and action. One question I had is why Azrael keeps going back to village. At first, it didn't seem like for revenge, although that was definitely her reason later.
Great action and storytelling. She kicks a lot of ass.
It's the end of the world as we know it, but good Christians feel fine (because they've been Raptured, I guess). Blood thirsty Left Behind burn monsters ensue.
Almost entirely without dialogue (because speaking is a sin).
www.imdb.com/title/tt2217...
Friday is Frankenstein Day, because spooky. It's Doorbell Day. Made for ditching. Scare a Friend Day, also spooky. It's Sneak Some of the Candy Yourself Before the Kids Start Knocking Day, because duh, like they deserve the full-sized bars!
31.10.2025 02:44 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0OK, whatever.
Lots of boobs and peens.
3 stars.
28 years later, no one's figured out how to solve the UK's hooliganism problem. Social media age-verification ensues.
So no cure for Rage Virus in 28 years? A first world nation just disappears. Plus, the rage zombies that do nothing but rage now can hunt, boff, and not die of disease/exposure.
4.5 stars.
@jonbeanhastings.bsky.social Perfect Halloween night movie!
Eloping couple gets stuck in remote town with a zombie problem. Couples' counseling ensues.
I loved just about every moment of this, especially the ending twist, which was adorable. The credits outtakes were fun too.
The comedy worked. Almost no gore.
www.imdb.com/title/tt3313...
What I really liked is the team's methodology, their attention to detail, their use of equipment. It all makes their confusion more believable as everything goes wrong. But it would have been more effective if it showed them try to work through the problems. Instead of just go crazy.
3 stars.
Team of documentarians investigates 1940s disappearance of entire town. Slow madness ensues.
Very slow madness. Movie slows down midway as it spends a good 40 minutes just showing them going crazy. I mean, I get it. They're going crazy. Now give us more story.
www.imdb.com/title/tt1398...
What is causing the zombification? It touches on the causes but doesn't fully explain. The story is just in the moment.
Half the cast was also in "The Ice Road", so it must have been filmed nearby.
Boobs!
3.5 stars.
Sad woman works roving security in largely abandoned, dark, frozen community. S.A.D. wander zombies ensue.
Is this a new Ice Age or just winter in Canada? Is this happening everywhere or just at this place? It doesn't say, and I liked that.
www.imdb.com/title/tt6628...
Thursday is International Carignan Day. That's a kind of sweater, I think. It's Pumpkin Bread Day, because it's almost Halloween! It's Haunted Refrigerator Night, because Halloween! It's Sugar Addiction Awareness Day, because who cares, HALLOWEEN!!!
30.10.2025 03:01 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0No (or almost no) blood. No jump scares. No jittery, wide-mouth ghosts. No stingers. Just story-telling.
The only knock I have is it kept making me think it was over when it had more story to tell.
One of the best I've seen this year. @jonbeanhastings.bsky.social Highly recommended.
4.5 stars
Neurotic guy is afraid of everything, especially dying. Offers money for proof of life after death. Proof ensues.
Very well crafted. Well written, acted, and shot. The three people offering proof have interesting, compelling cases.
www.imdb.com/title/tt3904...
Lots of 70s full nudity, but some of the worst simulated lesbian sex you'd ever hope to see.
2 stars.
Sexy lesbian vampires are sexy, lesbians, and vampires. Sexy lesbian vampire sex ensues.
They're sexy, lesbian vampires, but they're really kind of dumb. Why allow the couple to camp on their land? That just creates witnesses and problems.
www.imdb.com/title/tt0072...
Wednesday is World Psoriasis Day. Your itchy, scaly hands will thank you. It's World Stroke Day, which is a weird way to promote masturbation. It's International Internet Day, which is just porn. It's Nut Day, because porn. And on the wholesome side, it's Bob Ross's Birthday!
29.10.2025 03:16 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Not sure why he needed to run around killing people tho. That just drew a lot of attention to him.
Some brief 70s boobs.
1.5 stars.
Ancient Caribbean Voodoo priest mummy goes on Carnival Cruise. The Love Boat ensues.
He's black, he's Voodoo, but I'm not sure about the exorcist part. Well, two out of three isn't bad.
He awakens to reunite with the reincarnation of his ancient true love? Lucky for him she was on the same boat!
Each friend had an arc that served a purpose.
The humor worked, the effects worked, the story worked. Not sure why it has such low IMDB ratings.
4 stars. @jonbeanhastings.bsky.social recommended.
Young adult is invited to remote family cabin for reasons, decides to bring trashy friends along for reasons. Taking up the family business ensues.
As werewolf movies go, this was pretty great. Channels it's "American Werewolf" vibe effectively. Unexpected crime boss subplot works.
Wow, trigger alert, Tuesday is Separation of Church and State Day. It's also Statue of Liberty Dedication Day. And it's Vote Early Day. Do it while you still can.
28.10.2025 02:46 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
