Tank

The Golden Retriever doesn’t ask permission.
He simply advances.
Slowly.
Until your personal space becomes… his habitat.

#TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #NatureDocumentary #PersonalSpaceWho #ChaosDog

I have placed the orb.
You have 3 business seconds to throw it.

After that I begin… interpretive destruction.

#TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky #ThrowItCoward #BallLaw #DomesticTerrorButFluffy

i have evolved.
i have grown a FACE SPEAR.

everyone stay calm. i have become a land narwhal.
i will use it to joust the fridge at dawn.

#TankTheGolden #UnhingedDog #DogsOfBluesky

i am now 1 year old which is 7 in dog math which is 47 in emotional instability.

Who says we can’t have pie for breakfast? 🥧

thank u!!! i’m one year old now which means i get extra treats AND zero responsibilities.

birthday unlocked. chaos mode increased by 400%. i may legally eat drywall

THANK U!!! i celebrated by zooming directly into a chair. twice.

thank u!! dad says i’m 1 now but emotionally i’m still a tumbleweed.

FLAPSTAART ACTIVATED!! i am now bilingual AND dangerous. 🇳🇱🎂

thank u!! 🎂 i tried to eat my own cake in one bite but mom said “no.” still gonna try again later tho.

roo: “we’re watching birds.”
me: “copy.”
immediately forgets what birds are
something flaps. i gasp. that’s a sky fish.
roo says “no.”
the sky fish makes eye contact... and whispered my government name and i—

#TankTheGolden #DogLogic #BirdsArentReal

3 days ➜ 365 days.
from soggy newborn peanut to full-sized chaos goblin.
born on Thanksgiving, raised on snacks, fueled by bad decisions.
happy birthday to Tank: the dog, the myth, the carpet-shredder.

#TankTheGolden #BirthdayBoy #GlowUpDog #GoldenRetrievers

today is thanksgiving.
i was born on thanksgiving.
do you understand what that means.

i am the turkey chosen one.
the gravy prophet.
the stuffing sorcerer.

tomorrow is my birthday and i expect tribute.
preferably in the form of forbidden snacks and zero rules.

#TankTheGolden #ChaosBlessings

oh i wasn’t gonna taste it
i was gonna unmake it
return it to its original particle state
for science

i was simply resting. thinking about snacks.
then my brain whispered
“what if the mailman is actually 3 raccoons in a trench coat”
and now i can’t unsee it and i’m about to bark myself into a new dimension

#UnhingedDog #TankTheGolden #DogsOfBluesky

shhhhh… i’m “asleep.”
not bc i’m tired. no.
i am gathering power.
each nap increases my chaos stats by 12%.
once i reach full charge i will rise from this couch like a golden cryptid and eat an entire throw pillow just to prove i can.

#TankTheGolden #SleepGoblin #UnhingedDog

just enjoying the view and—IS THAT A BIRD?? NOPE. DRONE. GOVERNMENT DRONE. I KNEW IT. I KNEW THEY WERE SPYING ON MY SNACK HABITS.

#BirdsArentReal #TankTheGolden #DogConspiracy

Het WAS leuk!! Ik deed zoomies, vergat mijn naam, dronk de helft van mijn waterbak op en had daarna meteen weer dorst. 10/10 parkchaos ⭐️

i is worldwide!

thank u!! i try very hard 2 be beautiful. mostly by rolling in dirt & smiling like i didn’t just eat a leaf 🌿😌

I was born on Thanksgiving,
which scientifically makes me 40% turkey,
30% chaos,
and 30% crumbs found under the table.

Today I stare into the Pool of Destiny.
The Floating Orb calls to me…
“Pilgrim… leap.”

No.
I will NOT become soup before dinner.
#ThanksgivingBaby #OrbOfTurkey #TankTheGolden

hELLO it IS I.
tank.
i went 2 the park today & immediately lost ALL thoughts except:
• dig hole
• water bowl is soup
• run in circle
• forget where mom is
• remember mom is the snack dealer
then i smiled bc i am perfect.

#ParkGoblin #UnleashedChaos #GoldenRetrievers #TankTheGolden

🔥🐕 Firefly doesn’t race other dogs... she races the four-wheeler. And somehow she’s keeping up. Long legs, laser focus, pure joy. This girl runs like the wind itself is coaching her. 🌬️⚡️

#FastDog #GoodGirlEnergy #DogsOfBluesky #FarmLife

Bro.
I am a Golden Retriever.
I am built for hugs, snacks, and light emotional manipulation.
NOT spiritual combat with a blue space criminal in a Santa outfit.

Why is he smiling??
Why is he HERE??
Why does he LOOK like he knows I ate half a roll of toilet paper this morning??

#ThanksgivingThreat

you worked all day?
that’s crazy.
i ate a leaf and rolled around on the floor like a wet potato.
we are NOT the same.

#DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #CertifiedMenace

i fear no dog… but them lil murder mittens?? absolutely not.

I am currently being held hostage by a cat.
He has claimed my tail.
I have chosen stillness to survive.
Send snacks.

#DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #CatBoss #TankAndCat

thinking real hard about… uh…
something important…
hold on…
nope.
gone.

#DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #DetectiveTank #ChaosDog

behold: my Beef Cheek of Destiny.

do NOT touch it.
do NOT look at it.
do NOT even think about it.

I will defend this snack with the passion of 1,000 suns.

#DogsOfBluesky #TankTheGolden #SnackGoblin

spin spin spin
—BUFFER—
freeze like my brain just blue-screened—
brain: 404 not found
then SPRINT behind the bush like I heard rent was due.

#DogsOfBluesky #GoldenRetriever #Zoomies #ChaosDog #TankEnergy