Charlie Alzamora

The nearest satellite orbiting Planet Fitness was McDonald's, and Gary was powerless to escape its tractor beam.

Or I’ll mope the floor with you.

Your honor, are you judging me?

If I call you for bail money, know that you'll never have to hear Mariah Carey sing it "live" again.

The latest Epstein email rumor is destined to be known as Cockwork orange

Currently suffering the reality of being old (giving up a concert ticket due to the inconvenience of going)

Me: (getting into taxi) follow that car!

Taxi: omg is this some kind police business?!

Me: what? No! They just looked like they were going somewhere fun and I want to go too

Animal Doctor Zhivago, no doubt.

a cat reading a book and writing a report (it’s a joke, he can only read, not write)

Happy Caturday

(he’s studying Russian literature)

They're tackling the housing crisis by officially reclassifying my car's backseat as a "compact urban studio apartment.”

Tried voting with my feet but they made me use a pen

Don't come around here with that mopey attitude. I'm not buying what you're sullen.

People used to run away and join the circus, but now, thanks to modern advancements, the circus is all around us all the damn time

But what are we to mountains and skies.

“I am not afraid of you,” said I to her, fearfully.

The squirrels will tell my story.

what the world needs now are statements of the obvious

people giving cover by breaking down the acceptable levels of child abuse should be launched into the sun

OMG! I just got off the plane in Asheville and RFK Jr. Was boarding and someone passed by him and said “quack”

In your case, pride, albeit wounded, cameth after the fall. Glad you're okay, Kat!

We may have entered an era of miracles.

Fell down a 12 foot flight of stairs this morning (2 AM), and my injuries are limited to two patches of carpet burn, four bruises, and severely strained pride.

Roses are red
Rhyming is difficult
Dammit

It's a wonder my heart didn't give out in high school. Every exam was a stress test.

Tr*mp canceled appearances today due to health reasons. He's suffering from stage 4 epsteinitis.

Me: I have a very livid memory

Her: Don’t you mean vivid?

Me: No…

*brings a mistress to a wife fight

i feel like a lot of my problems would be solved if i had a dragon

*walks out of the woods in the mall parking lot*

“I can cut your hair.”