@mattoswaltva.bsky.social
remember me? We met on Twitter and would get together every Tuesday afternoon at the Motel 6 outside Fresno.
Happy 4th of July or as dogs call it, K9/11
04.07.2025 20:49 — 👍 138 🔁 11 💬 5 📌 1
BREAKING: Alderaan Senator lobbies to change name of Death Star to "Boom Moon"
02.07.2025 00:53 — 👍 753 🔁 99 💬 17 📌 10
guy wearing MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN HAT and TRUMP 2028 neck tattoo at Piggly Wiggly finding out his food stamps are no longer valid
01.07.2025 19:37 — 👍 100 🔁 9 💬 2 📌 0
suspect identified as Greg Gardens
(forgive me, the world is collapsing and all I've got in my arsenal is a $40 gift card to Cheesecake Factory and obscure movie references that maybe 10 people will get)
the McRib must be back
17.06.2025 02:06 — 👍 23 🔁 1 💬 1 📌 0they should show it as a double feature with Scum
14.06.2025 17:00 — 👍 4 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Trump upon hearing the assassinations in Minnesota have upstaged his big boy birthday parade
14.06.2025 16:46 — 👍 61 🔁 2 💬 4 📌 0
unlike Vietnam or Afghanistan at least the Marines coming to.L.A. know exactly what this fight is all about
10.06.2025 18:07 — 👍 23299 🔁 5397 💬 580 📌 242FOX News desperately trying to make a Rodney King riot out of a Donna Martin Graduates chant
10.06.2025 01:41 — 👍 157 🔁 28 💬 2 📌 0this YouTube video of Stretch Armstrong in a microwave has over 60 million views
I swear if YouTube was around when I was a kid I'd be richer than Mr. Beast
don't worry everyone, I'm certain this feud between the adderall junkie with the nuclear codes and the ketamine addict with all our social security numbers is just a tiny bump in the road towards American prosperity and greatness
06.06.2025 03:32 — 👍 838 🔁 147 💬 14 📌 6it's like the bees from My Girl have turned on each other and I'm trying to figure out which one to root for
06.06.2025 00:53 — 👍 98 🔁 6 💬 3 📌 0the only certainties in life are death, taxes, and if you sit at an outdoor café in the valley Jay Leno will drive by
27.05.2025 03:07 — 👍 153 🔁 11 💬 6 📌 1
saw a bobcat on my run this morning but didn't have a camera to document it so I bought this t-shirt to commemorate the occasion
15.05.2025 21:49 — 👍 71 🔁 0 💬 6 📌 21184 BC - in one of the most cunning military maneuvers ever conceived the Greeks build a large wooden horse as a gift to Troy who are unaware soldiers hide inside ready to to sack the city and end the Trojan War
2025 -
Happy Mother's Day to my mom who on my 10th birthday took me and my friends to see Xanadu because she thought it was a sequel to Star Wars
11.05.2025 18:15 — 👍 157 🔁 3 💬 12 📌 0flyby outside my window in honor of me getting Wordle in just two tries
10.05.2025 02:33 — 👍 629 🔁 9 💬 17 📌 3Yuma, if only to hear him recite Psalm 3:10
09.05.2025 01:32 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0American Pope sounds like a screenplay that's been bouncing around Hollywood for decades with everyone from Robert Redford to Pauly Shore attached at some point
09.05.2025 00:04 — 👍 655 🔁 58 💬 27 📌 1
take any side street in North Hollywood and you'll instantly be transported into a 1970's educational film about the dangers of hitchhiking
MattOswaltPhoto.com
he didn't even acknowledge what I did for him, but that's ok, a real hero operates in the shadows.
06.05.2025 23:22 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 2 📌 0
delivery guy on scooter pulled right in front of me but thanks to my superhuman dexterity I was able to swerve around him sparing his life and all the precious Thai food he was entrusted with.
I feel like my work here on Planet Earth is done.
his duet of 'Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ral' with Tom Skerritt after they've been cocooned is a show stopper
05.05.2025 02:32 — 👍 6 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0when someone wishes me a Happy May the Fourth...
04.05.2025 22:21 — 👍 117 🔁 9 💬 10 📌 0
you can keep your PhD's, I want a leader with the courage to stare directly into a solar eclipse until it backs down
30.04.2025 19:37 — 👍 132 🔁 21 💬 3 📌 1my day begins with an ominous Angelyne drive-by.
Either I'm about to enter a quirky A24 movie or a softcore Cinemax After Dark.
and that boat is a 1918 Stanley Steamer
25.04.2025 04:29 — 👍 8 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0MOVIE PITCH: an Oceans 11 sequel where they go after Jay Leno's Tonight Show money
25.04.2025 04:19 — 👍 125 🔁 9 💬 11 📌 1I swear I thought this was Caitlyn Jenner
22.04.2025 20:50 — 👍 19 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
false alarm, I just forgot my safeword
19.04.2025 22:41 — 👍 91 🔁 1 💬 4 📌 0
