Crabgrass

Miles: Wait. Did you say squirrels were driving an ice cream truck? Baxter: Definitely. They love the stuff. Miles: It all makes sense, now! No wonder it never stopped on our street! Miles: Baxter, I think you just solved one of the neighborhoods biggest mysteries! Baxter: That’s nice but can we focus? Baxter: (holding an axe in one hand and a bundle of dynamite in the other) Which is better for tree removal, this awesome dynamite or some dumb old axe?

(5/9) Squirreled Away

Miles: Baxter, I just don’t see the threat that a few squirrels could pose. Baxter: You wouldn’t Baxter: That’s what makes them so dangerous! They could be operating right under your nose and you’d never know it. Baxter: Thirty squirrels in a trench coat are indistinguishable from a normal human! They could be your teacher! Your mailman! (Baxter in background continuing to rant while Miles wears an expression of dawning comprehension) Baxter: Just today, I saw a handful of them driving and ICE CREEAM TRUCK* *Longtime readers will remember this

(4/9) Squirreled Away

(Miles stares up the trunk of the tree) Miles: Baxter, I think you might be overreacting about having a squirrel in your tree. Baxter: (visibly annoyed) It’s NEVER just one. Baxter: (dramatically) Are you telling me you’ve NEVER noticed anything strange about the way they skitter around…? Juuust out reach but ALWAYS there. Miles: I think MOST animals try to keep their distance from humans, dude. Miles: It’s kinda their whole thing! Miles: You gonna freak out about birds next? Baxter: (fully wigging out) You mean the winged ASSASSINS with DAGGERS for feet?!

(3/9) Squirreled Away

(A squirrel scurries partway down the trunk of a tree while Miles and Baxter stand below discussing it.) Miles: You’re afraid of a squirrel? Baxter: Aren’t you? Baxter: Squirrels are the BANE of goblin existence! They’re masters of secrecy and subterfuge! I’ve seen them take down entire governments when left unchecked! Baxter: And the tree in front of my house is INFESTED with them. Miles: Just to be clear, you mean the little, brown fuzzy guys? Baxter: I see they’ve gotten to you.

(2/9) Squirreled Away

(Baxter stands near a tree in his years. Miles approaches from behind) Miles: Hey, Mr. B. You needed help with something? Baxter: It’s just Baxter now. (Pan up into the branches of the tree) Baxter: I want you to look up in that’s tree and tell me what you see. Miles: (looking up) Uhm, leaves? Branches? What am I looking for? Baxter: (also looking up) EVIL, Miles. You’re looking for EVIL. Miles: And what does evil look like? (A squirrel scurries partway down the trunk of the tree) Baxter: THAT! LIKE THAT!

(1/9) Squirreled Away

Guys! Guys, what if he’s on the list as a VICTIM? Like Ghislaine!

(Kevin and Miles on a see-saw) Miles: It took me a week but I can finally name ALL the state capitals. Kevin: That took you a week? Miles: Uh, yeah! Can YOU do it? Kevin: Of course! Naming capitals is EASY! Miles: Oh, yeah? Name one state capital! What’s the capital of Wyoming? Kevin: Duh. it’s Y. (Cut to Kevin and Miles no longer on the see-saw. Miles is walking away annoyed while Kevin gripes at him and massages his sore bottom) Kevin: You can’t just jump off the see-saw like that! Miles: Don’t speak to me.

Should see-saw that coming.

(Gene carrying a box of plastic, green army men. Miles stands nearby) Gene: What do you mean you do’t want them? These are ARMY GUYS! Gene: I had a blast with them at your age. Miles: (Holding on of the figures) I’m sorry, dad. The modern kid, just needs more stimulation than a hunk of green plastic can offer. Gene: STIMULATION?! I used to build entire reenactments of historical war zones TO SCALE! Gene:(Growing more agitated) What’s more stimulating than that? (Gene grows even more agitated waving the “lying down” army figure in his face) Gene: This “hunk of plastic” was a HERO, Miles! He DIED for LITTLE GREEN FREEDOM!) Miles: (staring at the figure confused and a little nervous) Thank you for your service?

LITTLE GREEN FREEDOM

(Kevin at school, sitting at his desk dressed as a founding father. He’s writing furiously with a feather pen on apiece of parchment. There is a small bottomless of ink nearby) (Kevin continues to write furiously) (Kevin sits up holding the parchment in his hand, looking at it with a satisfied expression) Ms. Campbell: Okay, pass your papers forward, class (Kevin now dressed normally at his desk holding his paper and smiling at the reader) Kevin: I love writing in cursive.

Me too, Kev.

(Kevin and Miles sitting on the floor talking.) Kevin: Did you know they call soccer football in Europe? Miles: That actually makes sense since you can only use your feet to play. Miles: If you think about it, football should be called handball- Kevin: I just had the best idea. (Now outside, Miles stands over Kevin who is laying on his back with one fist raised in the air and football wedged into his face) Miles: You’ve had better. Kevin: FACEBALL FOREVER!

Pass Interferance

(Kevin retrieving a chocolate chip cookie from a jar on the kitchen counter. his mother stands nearby) Janine: What are you doing? Put that back. Kevin: How come? Janine: It’s too close to dinner. You’ll ruin your appetite. Kevin: What are we having? Janine: My special SPAM Surprise. Kevin: Is the surprise that it’s not SPAM? Janine: If I told you that would spoil it. Kevin: (Munching on the cookie) The surprise or my appetite?

Is SPAM still a thing?

(Kevin is striking a pose with his knees bent and his hands pointed out in front of him, preparing to do a back flip. Miles stands nearby) Kevin: Today I do a black flip. I can feel it. Miles: Are you crazy. Kevin: (matter of factly) Maybe I am. Maybe it’s crazy to believe in myself. To set my sights on a goal and go for it! (Kevin brings his arms behind him and prepares to leap into the air) Kevin: Some people might call that crazy. I call it having a DREAM! (Kevin is now a crumpled mess on the floor having obviously failed to perform a back flip) Kevin: AAGH! My poor shattered dreams! Miles: SOME people might call that your spine.

Today’s the day

(Kevin and Miles sitting on the porch) Kevin: You know when you get a big old mosquito bite and it itches like crazy? Kevin: And you’re scratching like mad, but after a few days, it just stops itching. (Kevin glances at Miles) Kevin: Don’t you kind of miss it? Kevin: Or is that just me? Mikes: Nah. But you might be the only one who’d say it out loud.

scratching that itch

Janine: (holding Kody talking to Donna) Thanks for watching Kody while I took the kids to Chunky Cheese. Janine: It’s been so long since I’ve been able to do something fun just for them. Donna: Anytime, girl. Janine: I hope he wasn’t too much trouble. Donna: Not at all. He was an angel. (Cut to Donna collapsed in the recliner at home looking exhausted, while Gene stands nearby) Gene: Cleared that baby fever right up, heh? Donna: How much aspirin do we have in the house.

It takes a village.

Kyle: (grinning and pumping his fist) Yes! I’m back! I can insult people again! Kevin: I can’t believe that worked! Kevin: You really got me too! Zit-for-Brian’s? Kyle: Well, you did break my headphones. Kevin: I’m glad you’re feeling better Kyle. I knew you could do it. Kevin: (Turning to leave) I’m gonna see if Miles can come out. Kyle: Hey, DUMPSTER CRACK! (Kevin looks back) Kyle: Thanks.

(9/9)Yipped in the Bud

(Kevin digging through a trunk labeled “Kyle’s Stuff. KEEP OUT”) (He pulls out a pair of head phones and carries them off) (Now standing in front of Kyle, Kevin hold the headphones up silent) Kyle: Hey! Who told you you could- (Kevin bends the headphones producing a sharp cracking noise. Kyle is stunned) (Kevin running for his life with a huge grin as Kyle chases him down) Kyle: YOU ZIT-FOR-BRAINS, MUD-MAGGOT, LASAGNA-FACED, WALKING-UP CHUCK— Kevin: Attaboy!

(8/9) Yipped in the Bud

Kyle: Face it, Kev. I’ve lost my touch. My days of crushing my siblings with insults are over. Kevin: Wow. Kevin: As much as I hate to say it, this is kind of sad. What are you gonna do? Kyle: I dunno. Probably get a haircut. Start applying myself at school, maybe. Kyle: You know. Be a role model. (cut to Krystal and Kevin talking) Krystal: Okay, one more time. WHY is this a problem? Kevin: (Exasperated) What aren’t you getting!?

(7/9) Yipped in the Bud

Kevin: All Right. Hit me with your best insult. Kyle: Okay uh… Nice shirt. Couldn’t you afford the sleeves? Kyle: Ugh… That was weak. Kevin: No,no. It was solid. Kevin: Just try not to insult yourself too, eh, buddy? Kyle: Thanks, coach.

(6/9) Yipped in the Bud

Kyle: So, like, how do you get rid of the yips? Kevin: I think you gotta go back to basics. Kevin: Get a few easy wins under your belt and build your confidence back up. Kyle: Okay, but what are the basics of making fun of your siblings? (Krystal minding her own business playing with a doll.) Kyle: Nice doll, BOOGER HEAD. Is it made of BOOGERS?

(5/9) Yipped in the Bud

New Rueben’s playbill cover just came out. That’s me in the bottom right! I adore this!

Kevin: Kyle, I think you might have the yips. Kyle: Wwat did you call me? Kevin: No, listen. It’s when a pro athlete suddenly forgets how to play their sport. You’ve just forgotten how to insult people. (Kyle pauses briefly to consider this) Kyle: You really think I’m pro-level? Kevin: (grinning) A once-in-a-generation talent.

(4/9) Yipped in the Bud

Kevin: Kyle, your insult game is really slipping. Kyle: No it’s not! Kyle: You little… kid… face! Kevin: See? That’s not even an insult. It’s just saying what kind of FACE II have! Kyle: Back off, smelly nose! Kevin: That’s progress at least.

Kyle: I don’t know what wrong with me, lately. Kyle: It’s like I’ve lost my mojo or something. Kyle: Who am I if I can’t effortlessly crush the self-esteem of my siblings? Kevin: (hesitant) A cool guy? Kyle: PFFT! Like YOU know what’s cool.

(2 and 3/9) Yipped in the Bud

Kevin: (approaching his older brother, Kyle, who is lounging in the recliner) Hey, Kyle. Kyle: (instantly annoyed) Get lost, book head. Kevin:( Confused) Book head? Kyle: (still annoyed) You head me. Beat it, you… table face! Kevin: (sideways glance) Are you just… naming stuff in the room? Kyle: (exasperated) I dunno. I’ve been kind of… OFF lately. Kevin: (hesitant) You wanna talk about- Kyle: (throwing his hands up) Yeah right, SHOELACE! DANG IT! What is WRONG with me?!

(1/9) Yipped in the Bud

Kevin: (at the punchline of a joke he’s talking Miles) …and she said “That’s not my watch!” Get it? Miles: (without even cracking a smile) Yeah. I’m just laughing on the insides. Kevin: HAHA. You don’t have to be a jerk. Miles: (still not even a grin) No, Really. I’m dying laughing on the inside. Can’t you tell? Kevin:(annoyed) Whatever. Miles:(holding his stomach gently) It kind of hurts… Kevin: (throwing his hands up) Other people can be funny, Miles!

Acute Sarcastritis

Kevin:( to his mother, Janine) Mom, how come we don’t have a fireplace? Janine: Because we’re not pilgrim and don’t need to burn wood for warmth. Kevin: Okay, but… you could burn other stuff in a fireplace, right? (The two study one another briefly) Janine: Grounded. Kevin: (throwing up his hands) so, we’re doing THOUGHT CRIME, now?

Preemptive Strike

(Kevin about to toss a football) Kevin: Go long…! Long…! Go long, Miles! Kevin: (continuing to shout at Miles) Longer! Go longer! You gotta go longer! Kevin: (getting impatient) LONG, dude! Go long! LOOOOONG! GO LONG! (Miles appears behind Kevin having apparently traveled around the world) Miles: long enough?

Go Shorter!

(Epilogue: Evil Kody, Evil Miles, Evil Krystal, Evil Kyle, Evil Carla and Evil Maxine are all standing in Evil Kody laboratory. They seem to be waiting for something) Evil Miles: You said it would work this time. Evil Kody: I don’t know what went wrong. Evil Kody: I must have gotten my calculations wrong, but no matter! (Nearby a machine is charged up. It looks like a giant ring of twisted metal and wires that forms a circular doorway. Green electricity sparks across the entryway forming a web of current. Evil Kody: I WILL complete the machine. Evil Kody: We WILL open a door to another universe. (Extreme closeup of Evil Kody. His eyes red.) Evil Kody: and we WILL take it over.

(122/121) Into the Crabiverse: epilogue

This marks the end of another mammoth story arch, folks. This one was a doozy and easily the longest arch to date. It’s just the price we pay to live this Crabgrass Life.

Nothing but Two Boys Being Dumb for a foreseeable future. Isn’t that nice?

(Kevin, now grounded, talking to Miles through his bedroom window) Kevin: Mr. B is a KID now? Miles: Sort of. Miles: He’s got this magic amulet that disguises him as human. Kevin: Wow. This is so weird. Kevin: We’ve got a goblin living on our street and an evil ME running around. Don’t things usually go back to normal after our adventures? Miles: Usually. Miles: Do you think we’ve jumped the shark? Kevin: There’s a SHARK now?

(121/121) Into the Crabiverse

Baxter: You probably have a lot of questions, huh? Miles: Can my mom see your true form? Baxter: (producing a medallion from beneath his collar) Nope. Special amulet. Igwit didn’t say anything about magical items. Baxter: And this way you boys can teach me about living like a human. Miles: (pointing at Baxter) First thing we gotta do is get you some new clothes. Baxter: Can’t I be a human with fashion sense?

(120/121) Into the Crabiverse

(Miles walking into his front door) Miles: Mom! Dad! I’m home! Donna: (From off panel) In the kitchen sweetie. (As Miles enters the kitchen we see Donna and small boy with green hair sitting at the kitchen table) Donna: I want you to meet someone. This is Baxter. (Baxter waves at Miles with a sly look on his face. Miles look slightly stunned) Donna: He just moved into the neighborhood. I thought you two could be friends! Baxter: Hi, Miles. Miles: uhm… hi? Baxter: (holding out his hand) My friends call me B.

(119/121) Into the Crabiverse