Crabgrass

(Kevin and Miles standing outside waiting for the bus) Kevin: You ever feel like we’re getting old? Miles: Dude, we’re nine. Kevin: Not like OLD, old but don’t you ever miss being six or seven? Back before you got worried about being cool. Before math had fractions. That was a better time. Kevin: a more whimsical time. (Both standing in silence) Miles: Ms. Campbell gave me a scratch-and-sniff sticker yesterday, and I didn’t even smell it. Kevin: We’re too young to be this old.

Even the good old days have their good old days.

(Miles, grounded, talking to Keven through his bedroom window) Kevin: Well, well. Look who’s grounded. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. Miles: What‘’a that even mean? Kevin: oh, well, you know… Goody Two-Shoes. Miles: Actually, I don’t know. Kevin: it’s like… uh… Miles: New rule: No more insults that you can’t explain. Kevin: (throwing up his hands in outrage) That’s like HALF my catalogue!

Gonna say right now that I still don’t know the origin of the phrase Goody Two-shoes and I’m not interested.

(Kevin in Principal Sanders’ office. He’s sitting in a chair looking at Sanders who is standing in front off him with arms crossed) (Kevin glances around.) (Sanders runs his hand through his hair and sighs deeply) Kevin: So, do you start or… Sanders: Give me a minute. This is as close as I get to a break.

I can do this all day

(Kevin and Miles hanging out in the hallway of Mile’s house. Miles is lying on the floor nursing a stomach ache and looking miserable. Kevin is sitting beside him) Miles: UGH! I think I have a tummy ache. Kevin: WHOA! Tummy ache? What are you, five? Kevin: You should definitely have graduated to upset stomach by now. Belly ache at the least! (Both sit in a silence for a moment as Miles looks annoyed at Kevin) Miles: I didn’t realize gastrointestinal distress was age appropriate. Kevin: WHOA! What are you, FIFTY?

Happy Turkey Day!

(Kevin and Miles on a see-saw) Kevin: You ever wonder why super rich people don’t become super-heroes like Batman or Ironman? Miles: Nah. Miles: I think to be ah hero, you can’t just be rich You also have to be a genius and top-tier athlete. Kevin: Well, what about supervillains They could do that, right? Miles: I kinda think some already do. Kevin: I’m talking about the Blow up the Moon kind, not the Deny You Health Insurance Claim kind. Miles: Oh.

Not all Villains wear clown makeup

(Miles approaches his dad who is sitting in his recliner reading the paper) Miles: Dad, didn’t you ever get in trouble when you were a kid? Gene: Oh, I was never a kid. Gene: (straight-faced) I have a rare medical condition that means I was born a fully-formed adult. So I never got the chance to get up to childish nonsense like you. Miles: (sarcastic expression) Right. You do realize I’m too old to just believe whatever you tell me anymore, right? Gene: (Looking away from his paper at Miles curiously) Are you? sorry. My condition makes it hard for me to gauge things like that.

Ironically, the hardest thing to draw in comics is a newspaper.

(Kevin at the dinner table with a plate of food, arms crossed, looking indignant) Janine: Kevin, finish your veggies. Kevin: No way. I don’t want to and you can’t make me. (Janine leans in, one arm on the table) Janine: Actually I CAN. Easily. You’re so very small. And HELPLESS. (She leans even closer. Kevin looks nervous) Janina: Because you don’t eat your vegetables. (Kevin now eating his vegetables, looking shaken up) Kevin: Never let it be said that I won’t respond to a level-headed appeal to reason.

Well, when you put it that way.

(Kevin and Miles walking down the sidewalk) Kevin: Hey, is it true that black people like chicken? Miles: Sure. Chicken’s delicious. Miles: don’t YOU like chicken? Kevin: OF COURSE! It’s my FAVORITE! (Both walking in silence briefly) Kevin: I don’t think I’ll ever understand stereotypes. Miles: Do you WANT to?

Everybody loves chicken

(Kevin and Miles laying on Miles’ bed surrounded by candy and candy wrappers) Kevin: Ugh! I don’t think I can eat another bite. Miles: Me either. I’m stuffed! Miles: is this it? Do you think… we actually hit the Candy Limit? Kevin: I thought that was just a legend. Miles: Me too. Miles: But if we’re really done with candy, what now? What’s there to live for? (Cut to the boys playing video games on the living room tv) Miles: Video Game Limit it is!

Sorry, Miles. 40 years later and there’s still no Video Game Limit.

(Krystal, Kyle and Janine posing for a picture) Kevin: Say cheese! Kyle, Krystal, Janine: CHEEEEEEESE! Kevin: (holding a Polaroid camera) Okay, now say: “I hereby pledge to increase everyone’s allowance by five dollars. This is a legally binding verbal contract.” (Kyle and Krystal peek hopefully at Janine who looks suddenly annoyed) (Kyle and Krystal walking away from Kevin disappointed) Kevin: I don’t see either of you coming up with any ideas!

the eye reveal!

(Kevin, grounded, talking to Miles from his bedroom window) Miles : What are you in for this time? Kevin: Ya know, I’m not even sure. Kevin: Mom sent me to my room to think about what I did. But she was so mad, she didn’t even say what. Kevin: The problem is I’ve done so much today that I have no idea what she means! Miles: Couldn’t you just think about all of it? Kevin: (annoyed) You probably don’t realize this, but it’s kind of insulting when someone like you tries to give a pro like me advice on being grounded.

There’s levels to this

(Kevin and Miles sitting on the porch. Kevin is showing off a small pocket knife) Kevin: check out this cool pocket knife mom got me. Miles: She got YOU a pocket knife? Kevin: Yeah. I couldn’t believe it either. She said that every boy should have a reliable pocket knife in case of emergencies. (Kevin continues to fiddle with the knife, fascinated) Kevin: (turning suddenly to Miles) All I know is, if I don’t have or of these emergencies soon I’m gonna have to MAKE one.

I still jump excitedly at any chance to use my pocket knife.

Kevin: New shoes, huh? Miles: Yup. Check it out. Miles: The worst thing about new shoes is getting them dirty. So I had the GENIUs idea of tying my old shoes to the bottom of my new ones! This way they never touch the ground! Kevin: And your parents saw these before you came out? Miles: (self-satisfied)The said I should show you right away! Kevin: (mildly annoyed) Right. I hate when they pass the buck like this. Miles: (suddenly tipping over) WHOOP! Center of gravity’s off!

New Inventions: Shoe Shoes Shoe. Shoe you put on to protect your Shoe Shoes.

Epilogue: Baxter’s bag of needs suddenly reappears outside of a quaint looking little building in an unidentified village. The bag falls to the ground and the Candy Cain mask tumbles out. From off panel: Hellooo… (A purple Goblin in a traditional Goblin garb wearing a Mohawk styled haircut walks to frame and picks us the mask examining it) Goblin: What THIS then?

(46/46) Candy Cain

(The gang, now back on the street, is watching other children Trick-or-Treat) Kevin: Man, saving holidays is thankless work. Miles: Yeah, but somebody’s gotta do it. Carla: Can I call Not IT in advance for Thanksgiving? Baxter: Full disclosure: I actually thought Halloween was the one with colored eggs.

(45/46) Candy Cain

(Lewis is watching the gang as they exit the sewer) Baxter: Lewis, I know people treated you badly. But if you ever decide to come back to the surface, just know you’ve got friends up there now. Lewis: Thanks, Baxter. Thanks ALL of you. Now hurry up and get home. I’m sure your parents are worried. (Kevin approaches thee cut ladder carry a bag of candy larger than his body) Lewis: Sure you got enough candy? Kevin: You sure this is the biggest bag you have?

(44/46) Candy Cain

Kevin: (to Lewis) So, you’re just going to stay down here in the sewers forever? Lewis: Why not? Lewis: There’s nothing up there for me. No friends, no family. And now, without Candy Cain, I get to make my own choices. I’m finally free! Lewis: (Pushing open a door at the back of the dungeon) And I have you to thank for that! To show my gratitude I’ve got something special to show you. Lewis: (Revealing an entire room piled high with halloween candy) Ever wonder what Candy Cain did with all that candy?

(43/46) Candy Cain

Carla: What do you mean you don’t want to leave? In your diary you said you had to find a way out! Candy Cain: oh that. Candy Cain: Those were my early entries. After some time down here, I actually began to enjoy the solitude, believe it or not. Candy Cain: It turns out you don’t really miss getting constantly ignored or made fun of all that much. Go figure. Carla: (looking at Lewis’ diary) Oh…I didn’t realize. Candy Cain: There’s also a spy novel I’ve been working on if you keep reading.

(42/46) Candy Cain

Mine kicks in about Tuesday afternoon. Then I’m usually good until the weekend.

Kimmy: (excited) You guys, we did it! We rescued Lewis and stopped Candy Cain! Baxter: (off tot he side with a sarcastic glance) “We?” Kimmy: We SAVEd Halloween! Carla: Oh, I don’t think Halloween was really in dan- Kimmy: MYSTERY MAVERICKS FOREVER! Benji: (looking at his wrist) And just in time too. We’ve only got a few minutes before we have to be back at Kevin’s house for the sleepover. Krystal: (To Lewis Cain) Come on, Lewis! We’ll take you back to the surface! Lewis: (calmly) Oh, no thank you.

(41/46) Candy Cain

Lewis Cain: (slowly coming out of a years long stupor) What…? What’s happening? Who are you people? Miles: (cautiously) Lewis Cain? Is that you? Lewis: (touching his face) I… yes! I can’t hear his voice anymore! I’m ME! Lewis: (suddenly standing up straight) I’M FREE!!

(40/46) Candy Cain

Miles: Baxter! Did you just SAVE us? Baxter: ( Struggling to hold on to the bag of needs) Maybe! I’ve never used a Bag of Needs this way. Baxter: (watching as the bag lifts out of his hands on its own and begins swirling around in a tight circle) I’m not sure what happens when you put something INSIDE of- (Baxter watches as the back swirls tighter and tighter seeming to shrink in on itself) Baxter: (The bag finally swirls even tighter collapsing into a single point and disappearing with a *POP*) Oh.

(39/46) Candy Cain
“What happened to 38?”. The same thing that always happens. I accidentally updated the same number twice at some point throwing the whole count off by one. Bad news: One less comic in this arc. Good news: one less comic in this arc (it all depends on how you feel about this arc).🤷🏾‍♂️

Mask: WHO WANTS TO BE CANDY CAIN FIRST?! Lewis: (holding the mask up limply) Guuuh… Kevin: (stepping in front of the rest of the kids) Now WAY! Get back! Stay away from my friends! Baxter: (Quickly grabbing the mask from Lewis’ weak grip) I have a better idea! Mask: Wha-? No! (Baxter shoves the mask deep into his magic bag of needs)

(37/46) Candy Cain

Candy Cain: Unfortunately, human suffering cannot be maintained without HOPE, which poor Lewis ran out of long ago. Candy Cain: And THAT, little ones is where you come in. Lewis was already broken by his life when I found him. But YOU, I can break slowly over time. Benji: (furious) YOU MONSTER! Candy Cain: How easy it would be to believe that. But I’m not monster… (Candy Cain removes the most revealing an old, weathered dazed looking Lewis Cain) Mask: I merely wish to survive. Lewis: Uuuugh…

(36/46) Candy Cain

Candy Cain: It was a simple thing to inspire Lewis to create the mask that allowed me to inhabit his body. Candy Cain: A keeping him locked away down here on deepened his deliscious suffering. Candy Cain: But after years of feeding on him, Lewis’ misery began to spoil. Candy Cain: I would come away still hungry. I was beginning to fade…

(35/46) Candy Cain

(33,34/46)Candy Cain

Baxter: (to Candy Cain) You’ve gone to great lengths to disguise yourself a a typical Halloween Monster, but I know the TRUTH. Candy Cain: Do tell. Baxter: It’s like this. Anywhere where a lot of humans live you end up with a bunch of excess emotional energy in the atmosphere. Baxter: Over time, this energy coalesces into these sort of spirits that thrive on either good or bad emotions. Love Bugs and their counterparts, Bitter Flies. Baxter: Three guess which one this guy is.

Kevin: But WHY! Why start kidnapping kids NOW? Krystal: each! You’ve been terrorizing this neighborhood for years! And all you’ve ever done was steal candy! Baxter: (interrupting) I know why. Baxter: (approaching Candy Cain) It’s because he’s DYING.

(30/46) Candy Cain

Krystal: Uhm, Mister Cain, if you don’t mind me asking. You never kidnapped anyone before. Why did you choose us? Candy Cain: Isn’t it Obvious, child? You’re all friends. Candy Cain: A sickeningly happy band of compatriots who have never experienced the loneliness of being ostracized from society. Candy Cain: I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect group.

(29/64) Candy Cain

(27, 28/46) Candy Cain