Crabgrass

Kevin: I KNEW it! I KNEW this would happen! I TOLD you guys! Kevin: Candy Cain is stealing kids now! Krystal: But HOW? We were all standing RIGHT HERE, Kevin! Kevin: How do I know? Krystal: YOU’RE the Candy Cain expert! (Benji grabs Kevin and Krystal from off panel) Benji: OKAY! (Benji running with Kevin and Krystal tucked under each arm) Benji: LESS YAPPING. MORE FINDING OUR FRIENDS!

(17/46) Candy Cain

(16/46) Candy Cain

(Lewis Cain looking sad and dejected) Kevin Narr: But the day AFTER Halloween he went back to being a loser with no friends. Kevin: So the next year he made an even SCARIER costume. And the next year. And the NEXT year. Kevin: This went on until NINE years ago… (Cut to flashback of Lewis holing up a solid red mask that looks like Candy Cain’s face) KN:… when Lewis made the MASK.

(15/46) Candy Cain

(Cut to a kind o f dorky but pleasant looking kid walking through the halls at school) Kevin Narr: The legend is Candy Cain used to be a normal kid named Lewis Cain. (Lewis looking sad and dejected as children point an laugh at him) KN: Unfortunately he was also kind of an outcast with no friends. (Lewis dressed as a Vampire for Halloween standing proudly as children cheer for him in the background) KN: Except for on Halloween. See, Lewis always made the scariest costume. Everyone loved them. (Cut to Kevin talking excitedly to Krystal) Kevin: For one day, he didn’t have to be Loser Lewis. Krystal: (annoyed and a little bored) Do you think I don’t know this story?

(14/46) Candy Cain

(Benji and Kimmy running up to Krystal and Kevin out of breath) Benji: Hey! Have you guys seen Baxter? Krystal: I thought he was with you? Kimmy: He was but he just disappeared! Krystal: I’m sure he’s somewhere in the neighborhood- Kevin: UNLESS! Kevin: What if CANDY CAIN got him!? Krystal: I thought he only stole candy… Kevin: Maybe he’s graduated from Treats to Tricks!

(13/46) Candy Cain

(Kevin and Krystal walking down the sidewalk) Kevin: All right. You know the drill? Krystal: (annoyed) Of COURSE I do. Kevin: (thoughtful) Good. I’m thinking Rock-A-Bye Baby for this one. Krystal: Aren’t we a little old for that? Kevin: Do you want candy or not? Krystal: Fine: Just don’t step on my lines. (Cut to Krystal crying loudly holding her candy bag with a hole in it while Kevin holds his bag out to a lady dressed as a witch who is dumping candy into it) Witch: A HOLE in your bag?! Oh, you port baby! Here, take EVERYTHING!

(12/46) Candy Cain

Benji: (excited looking in his candy bag) Kimmy! We got full-sized candy bars! Kimmy: (also excited) And GUM POPS! Kimmy: I didn’t even know we had rich people in our neighborhood! Kimmy: (looking around) Hey, Baxter what kind of loot did you-? (Kimmy and Benji stopping suddenly concerned) Kimmy:… Baxter?

(11/46) Candy Cain

(Kimmy, Benji and Baxter walking down the sidewalk. Kimmy is munching a candy bar) Kimmy: (to Baxter) You know what? I’m just gonna say it. Kimmy: You’re a goblin who spends all your time disguised as a human, right? Baxter: Correct. Kimmy: So why not just go as YOURSELF for Halloween? Benji: (throwing hands up) THANK YOU! Baxter: (annoyed) My culture is NOT a costume!

(10/46) Candy Cain

Kevin: If we’re gonna split up, we have to at least do the buddy system. Miles: (suddenly blurting) I CALL CARLA! (Kevin looks nonplussed at Miles who is nervously forcing a grin) Kevin: Ooookaaaay. Miles: (gesturing desperately at Carla who looks unbothered ) Because of her COSTUME! I like ASTRONAUTS!

(9/46) Candy Cain

Benji: Guys, we only have an hour before curfew. Shouldn’t we start moving? Carla: Benji is right. I think we should split up. When we show up in a big group like this, we each get less candy. Kevin: SPLIT UP!? Kevin: (Agog) Didn’t you even HEAR anything I said about CANDY CAIN?! Do you WANT to get picked off one by one?! Kevin: How many horror movies have you even watched?! Carla: (annoyed) I want to as YOU the same thing.

(8/46) Candy Cain

Carla: I hate to say it, Kevin, but I think all you saw was a guy in a scary costume. Carla: On HALLOWEEN of all nights! Kevin: HA! I know for a fact you DON’T hate to say it! Kevin: Just don’t expect to get any of MY candy when a masked maniac steals yours. Kimmy: Guys, do we really have to be bickering over this? Kevin: (matter-of-factly) There’s always time for bickering. Baxter: (bored) Come out with us for Halloween, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.

(7/46) Candy Cain

(4/46) Kevin’s Narr: (A normal Halloween street scene with lots of kids trick-treating) It was Halloween night three years ago. (We see six year old Kevin and Krystal skipping down the sidewalk dressed as Raggedy Ann and Andy) KN: Mom let us Trick-or-Treat on our own because it was the 80’s and parents still hand’s figured things out out yet. (Young Kevin and Krystal stop in their their tracks and look around) KN: We were making our way up Par lane when we heard the most blood curdling scream. (Current day Kevin excitedly regaling a somewhat bored looking Miles) Kevin: Naturally, we went to investigate. Miles: Naturally.

(Kevin continues his story) Kevin: We followed the sounds of the scream, and BAM! There he was. Candy Cain. In the flesh! (Flash back to an imposing figurein a long red coat, form behind, standing over a terrified child dressed as Iron-MAn) Kevin’s Narr: His hair was pitch black and sort of floated around his head like he was underwater! (Closer on the imposing figure) KN: His clothes were torn and rotted like he’d just climbed out of the grave! (The figure suddenly turns!) KN: He even MOVED like something out of a horror movie!

(4,5/46) Candy Cain

Miles: So, you actually saw Candy Cain? Kevin: Totally! Kevin: Don’t believe me? Ask Krystal! She was there! Krystal: (dressed as a clown) I definitely saw SOMETHING that day. Krystal: (close-up) I STILL don’t know exactly WHAT it was.

(3/46) Candy Cain

Kevin: Wait. You don’t now about Candy Cain? Miles: Never heard of him. Carla: (arms crossed) Don’t let him scare you, Miles. Candy Cain is just a story older kids tell us so we won’t think it’s THEM stealing our candy. Kevin: (excited) No, Carla. Candy Cain is REAL. I SWEAR! Kevin: I’ve SEEN him.

(2/46) Candy Ciain

Candy Cain: Part 1 of 46 (Halloween Night: Kevin and the gang are trick-or-treating. Kevin, dressed as Spider-Man looks on edge) Miles: (dressed as Link) Kevin, what gives? You’ve been jumpy all night. (Nearby we see Carla, dressed as an astronaut and Benji dressed as a cow) Kevin: Aren’t you? It’s been three years since CANDY CAIN! (Behind Miles we see Krystal, dressed as a clown and Baxter, dressed as a little red devil) Miles: What? Candy canes are Christmas, dude. Not Halloween. Kevin: Not candy CANE! (Nearby we see Kimmy dressed in old army fatigues) Kevin: CANDY CAIN! Like the name of the MANIAC who appears every three halloweens to TERRORIZE kids and steal their candy!

(1/46) Candy Cain

(A scorching desert scene. One dry weathers hand reaches across from the bottom left of the panel.) Off-panel: uuugh… (Same scene but we now see that the hand is connected to an emaciated Miles. A husk of his normal self) Miles: Thirsty… (Miles reaches upward with the last of his strength) Miles: Juuuice… Soooda… Off-panel: If you’re third, have a glass of water (Cut to the kitchens. Miles stomping off annoyed as his mother stands nearby hands-on-hips) Miles: Why do we even BUY the stuff if no one can DRINK it? Donna: WE?

My KINGDOM for a Caprisun!

(Miles and Kevin walking outside) Miles: I’ve decided that being an underachiever is the best way to go in life. Kevin: Oh, yeah? Miles: Yup. If I aim for mediocrity I’ll always succeed! All I need to do now is figure out how to thrive in obscurity. Miles: I don’t know how you do it. (Kevin stop and looks at Miles suspiciously as he walks on) (Cut to Kevin holding a large dictionary with an annoyed expression on his face. He’s venting to Kyle who is relaxing in the recliner) Kevin: The problem with dictionaries is they assume you know how to spell words you can’t define.

Who are you calling obscenity?!

Carla: I’m sorry I couldn’t return your affections, Miles. I just don’t see you like that. Miles: (shrug)Eh, don’t worry about it. I clearly wouldn’t know what to do if you did. Miles: (curious) So, like… do we het to stay friends, or is it weird now? Carla: It IS pretty weird. Carla: (grinning, hand on Miles’ shoulder) But Only like a 4 on the Miles Scale.

(11/11) Making it Weird

Carla: Miles, I think this whole crush thing might be a wash, don’t you? Miles: Yeah, kinda. Carla: You know, I just realized I don’t even know why they call it a crush. Do you? Miles: (Mashing his hands together forcefully) I think because your heart gets so big and heavy with feelings it kind of crushes the rest of your organs. Carla: (concerned) That sounds AWFUL. Miles: (Shrugging with a grin) S’not so bad.

(10/11) Making it Weird

Miles: I think the main difference between being friends and going together is you can only go with one person at a time. Carla: So like best friends then. Miles: Well, not exactly… Carla: But, don’t you already HAVE a best friend? Miles: Uhm, yeah, but- Carla: (excited) OH! YOU. And KEVIN should go together! Miles:… I don’t think I’m explaining this right.

(9/11) Making it Weird

(A little blond girl in overalls and a boy with a mullet walk together holding hands and smiling.) Miles: (from off-panel) If we went together, we could be like Luke and Patty. Miles: (to Carla) They do stuff like walk to class together or carry each other’s books. Sometimes they even hold hands. Carla: (Considering this) But we already walk to class together. And I have a backpack to hold my books. I just don’t see the point. Miles: (looking at his hands) Hunh. Maybe you’re right. Besides, holding hands would leave us open to SO many ninja attacks. Carla: (grinning) EXACTLY!

(8/11/) Making it Weird

Carla: Okay, so let’s say, for argument’s sake, I did have a crush on you. What then? Miles: Well, then we’d GO together. Carla: Go where? Miles: (shrugging) Together! Carla: Go together WHERE? Miles: I dunno… Everywhere? Carla: No thank you.

(7/11) Making it Weird

Carla: Okay, so you have a crush on me. What happens next? Miles: That depends. Miles: (Kind of shy) Do you maybe have a crush on me too? (Carla considers this carefully) Carla:(Hands on hips) Undecided. Miles: (crestfallen) You’re killin’ me, Nichols)

(6/11) Making it Weird

Miles: (throwing his hands up) Okay, fine! I have a crush on you, Carla. Always have! Is THAT what you want to hear? Carla: Yes, it is. But I needed to hear it directly from you to be sure. Carla: No one’s ever had a crush on me before. I’ve always been kind of curious what it’s like, y- know? Miles: (confused) And? Carla: 6 out of 10.

(5/11) Making it Weird

Miles: (exasperated) Carla, PLEASE tell me you didn’t tell anyone else that I have a crush on you! Carla: Why would I do that? Miles: (suddenly relieved) Okay good. You had me scared for a minute. Carla: (matter of factly) That would be a lie, and you know I don’t like being dishonest. Miles: (dawning comprehension) Wait. So you… Krystal: (popping in from off panel grinning slyly and singing) Miiiiles and Caaarla…

(4/11) Making it Weird

Carla: So you have a little crush on me. Big deal. There’s no need to be weird about it. Miles: Who’s being weird? I just don’t know why we have to talk about it, is all! Miles: Why can’t we just act like Vin never said anything and go back to normal? Carla: (thoughtful) I guess we could… Carla: My moms just though- Miles: YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS??!!

(3/11) Making it Weird

Carla: Miles, I just want to talk about what. In said about you having a crush on me. (Miles looks away nervously) Miles: Did he say that? Gosh, I don’t remember him saying that— (he suddenly points over her shoulder at something behind her) Miles: WHOA! Is that Frenzy Lafever the Mega Wrestling Frenzy mascot?! (Carla looks unimpressed by Miles’ attempt to distract her) Miles: Seriously! Look behind you! Shes wearing BROCH BRONSON’S title belt, and shes about to drop kick principal Sanders! Carla: You REALLY don’t wanna talk about this. Miles: (shocked) Where’d she get that folding chair?!

(2/11) Making it Weird

(Carla approaches Miles, catching him off guard.) Carla: Miles, there you are! Have you been avoiding me? Miles: GUH! Oh! Uh, hi, Carla! (Miles suddenly throws and object at the ground while leaping in the air) Miles: SMOKE BOMB AWAY! (Carla stands there confused as Miles assumes a ready position watching her closely. The object bounces harmless between them) Carla: is that an eraser…? Miles: (scooting back out of from “inconspicuously”) PSSSSSSSSHHHHHH….

(1/11) Making it Weird

(Kevin, at his desk, raises his hand) (Kevin: MS. CAMPBELL, HOW COME WE DON'T HAVE THE OPPOSITE OF SNOW DAYS? Kevin: WE GET OUT OF SCHOOL ON THE SNOWIEST WINTER DAYS, SO SHOULDN'T WE ALSO GET OUT ON THE SUNNIEST SUMMER DAYS? (Ms. Campbell lets out a deep, exhausted sigh) Ms. Campbell: KEVIN, YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM SUMMER VACATION. Kevin: SOMEBODY SHOULD TELL THE WEATHER.

That sigh

(Miles in a long black trench coat and dark sunglasses. Kevin stands nearby) Miles: Okay, strong and silent didn’t work out. So I’m gonna try dark and mysterious. (Miles frames the air with is hands dramatically) Miles: Who is that man in the long coat? Where did he come from? What dark past is he hiding? Miles: I have so many ques- (Miles stops abruptly and removes his sunglasses. Kevin is nowhere to be seen) Miles: Kevin? Miles:(walking off dejected) The hard part about being dark and mysterious is people have to care in the first place.

what’s more mysterious than sunglasses indoors?