Stephen

The Cosmopolitan is timeless? It was invented no earlier than the 1970s. Modern vodka-based rubbish.

#TheArchers

Chest pains in the bar? Probably a toxic squash. Was Ian told?

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Cocktails on a Tuesday? It’s the last days of Sodom at The Stables.

#TheArchers

“An early night.” Pure smut. #TheArchers

Susan making it all about her. #TheArchers

How to cheer Susan up? Show her dodgy pig videos. That or chilli.

#TheArchers

But where is the fun in that for us? #TheArchers

Neil attempts to stay positive.

He puts on nylon trousers and rubs himself on the carpet. #TheArchers

Brad sees things from another perspective.

Kate has sold him some magic mushrooms.

#TheArchers

Uptown Top Shanking

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Shank you for the Music

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The Shanking Forecast

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Not forgetting Shanking with the Stars. #TheArchers

Jolene can presumably pick up the phone and make a call to fix all this. #TheArchers

Not my shank. Sounds like a great premise for a 1830 comedy on Radio 4. #TheArchers

I don’t think the presumption of innocence applies to prisoners. I certainly wouldn’t apply it to George. #TheArchers

I think there’s probably an unofficial competition among the scriptwriters to come up with the most boring possible episode. Sarah Hehir is setting an incredibly high standard this evening. #TheArchers

A rabbit with a dodgy tummy. Such anecdotes. #TheArchers

George has done his time. Now he can get back to his crimes. #TheArchers

Treacle tart? Isn’t that rhyming slang for something? #TheArchers

You really really don’t want Adam cramping your style, Ruairí. #TheArchers

The maize harvest! Oh be still my beating heart.#TheArchers

Afghans, and most memorably a litter of Afghan/Staffordshire Bull Terrier crosses.

#TheArchers

Paul struggles with small talk.

The hamsters just don’t respond to him like the sheep and goats do.

#TheArchers

Jolene finds herself bearing the brunt.

She had been planning to brunt the bear, but had become confused. And in any case that would probably have been illegal.

#TheArchers

I think cow gum was actually latex dissolved in a nasty solvent. No actual cows involved but a boy could dream. #TheArchers

We used Cow Gum, which I guess is like horse glue but with more moo. #TheArchers

You can’t give ponies lethal injections; it makes the lasagne taste funny. #TheArchers

What’s that man taking out of the car?

It’s a gun. A glue gun.

#TheArchers

Baz (originally Boaz) died as a result of being shot by Ed…

#TheArchers