Derek

Sometimes I forget that I’m an adult with a science degree

“Did you just dap up my ass”

jesus shit i should have been a cowboy

Bf is making fun of me because I won’t let them punch me in the dick

Women want me. Fish fear me. Fish want me. Women fear me. Women are fish, fish are fish. Phylogenetically, all vertebrates are fish.

I’m kind of supposed to be saving money, but an investment in a fire ass jacket is an investment for the FUTURE so actually I’m so smart

I’ve perfected my Instagram algorithm. Most of my explore page is just ocean creatures and shitposts

“You listen to, like, indie white boy beach music” - @gaycefairy.bsky.social

Loot drop from some bloke I killed: One pair of earbuds with a stupid acorn sticker on the case, one Key to a Honda ASScord, one pocket knife, one wallet containing $7, and one “Lost THC” pen from a sketchy Richmond convenience store

Really disappointing loot drop

Women love me. Fish love me. I do my best to care for all creatures and even when I fail they see my efforts

a spice rack containing paula deen's silly salt. picture sourced from @evadentz on twitter in september last year. this whole skeet is a joke but for real never underestimate the power of a well-seasoned ceiling.

packing this into a 12ga shotgun shell and seasoning my brains across the ceiling with PAULA DEEN® silly salt

I looked at this with my eyes unfocused and thought it was that one Free Throw album

Spent more time driving to work than I spent clocked in yesterday 👍👍

Black cat perched on window sill, staring outside Sitting next to a pot of succulents and a mango (the mango is glistening in the sun)

Same exact picture except the cat is looking at the camera this time

Here is my son and his mango.
pc: @totallycraigjones.bsky.social

Accidentally referred to the gym parking lot as the “barking lot”