Call me Maduro the way I've been ripped from my home (I had to go back to work today)

"I don't care that he's dead."
"He's not a hero."
"He's a scumbag."
"He shouldn't be celebrated."

No, no. I'm not saying that about Charlie Kirk. Charlie Kirk said that about George Floyd.

Just in case anyone's interested in what he thought was fair to say about someone who was killed on camera.

this is, hands down, the best video I've seen on men's influencer content and it's not close either

there's a weird feedback loop where the media's reaction to kirk's death pushes you to speak more ill of the dead than you otherwise would because it's the only reasonable response to the simpering praise they're heaping on him

A Scrabble board with a rack of seven E's in the foreground.

me: you go first

dolphin: oh man you are so fucked

I thought I could do really well on Bluesky because I had a fresh start but it's not a fresh start anymore and I'm not doing really well.

Hello sharks, today I am asking for a million dollars for the Trunk-Horn, so I can honk at people behind me who honk at me first.

Celebrating Ram-a-dan by hitting a guy named Dan with my car

I love that America is obsessed with us but I'm afraid they might actually just want what they can't have like all my ex-girlfriends

I'm never gunna make fun of people who clap when the plane lands again

True love is shoveling out your wife's car and not just your own. But I think true love is also understanding that it was too cold outside to shovel off *two* cars.

The SuperBowl? How... Elementary of you. I shall be working on my studies, enjoying a nice merlot.

Not to brag, but according to my Fitbit I was FEASTING on REM sleep last night. Just a REM sleep fiend.

Listening to the audiobook of THE HOBBIT read by Andy Serkis and when he finally gets to the point where he can whip out the Gollum voice it's like when the drums hit in 'In The Air Tonight.'

Mustache guys are either no nonsense or 100% nonsense

I went to the store to get a cucumber and they were all the same price but one was much bigger so of course I got that one. When I took it up to the cashier he said Dang and swung it like a baseball bat a few times. Now that's what I call Going to the Store.

Saying to my doctor "you hate me" everytime he tells me to eat better and start exercising

My good pal, a guy I've known since childhood, punched me in the stomach so hard I shit myself. With friends like that, who needs enemas?

I sometimes wonder if I'm better than my friends at anything and really the only thing I might be tops in is my credit score. I have a very good credit score.

I think it's very clear the world is becoming a far worse place and it just happens to coincide with a real personal struggle to pretend I'm still young and it will be fixed when I "grow up".

Just 57 companies linked to 80% of greenhouse gas emissions since 2016 Analysis reveals many big producers increased output of fossil fuels and related emissions in seven years after Paris climate deal

“A mere 57 oil, gas, coal and cement producers are directly linked to 80% of the world’s global fossil CO2 emissions since the 2016 Paris climate agreement”

Everytime I do a shot of tequila my face and body contorts in a way akin to Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk. Unfortunately my body remains frail and arguably worse off when it's done.

me: (a person who does not say swear words) anyone want to watch Jurbuttic Park?

Republicans think that a vote for Trump was a return to an idealized America, resembling one like Bedford Falls. What they're really voting for is Pottersville. #itsawonderfullife

He's an 8 but his favourite Christmas movie is the The Muppets Christmas Carol

I love this place but I do miss some of the twitter that was just the wild west. And those are true sickos, they'll go down with the ship.

a man in a costume says " y know how long i been waiting for this ? " ALT: a man in a costume says " y know how long i been waiting for this ? "

A fresh start