Daisy

Someone please invent paper that can never jam

Hiding the last of the cookie dough under my pillow

I was talking to my dad about his Mexico house today and it made me want disappear and live on the beach or a sailboat and forget all my problems and the problems of the world

USA viewers we now return you to your regularly scheduled total collapse of democracy

Have you tried putting melted cheese on it?
(me as a therapist)

Remember. Feelings go 50/50

shitposters are fartists

Jumping into void...Cannonballllllll.

Winnie-the-Pooh is short for Winnipeg Pooh.

Superman has the fortress of solitude.

I have the basement guest bathroom.

[nicolas cage voice]

i’m gonna cum on the declaration of independence

is it physically possible to leave your hotel room without checking if you have your keycard 6x?

Picture of the night sky with white clouds and palms silhouetted in the foreground.

Night sky crush.

Awwww 🥰

today was the first day of my new life

Stop talking on speaker phone in public.
Sincerely everyone

With the blizzard coming, please just be safe out there, guys!

very tired in every way possible

emotional support stockpile of half used chapsticks

I bought an SUV and immediately a delivery truck showed up in my driveway to drop off a pair of New Balance sneakers, a newborn and a wonderfold stroller.

The “thank goodness it’s snow and not rain” people can now eat my whole ass.

do I know you?

no one:

nobody:

me: idc that milli vanilli song still slaps

You make my heart skip a beat, thanks for the arrhythmia.

why do men always want to make you exclusively theirs while keeping their options open?

I make a great first impression but then gradually go insane.

I want to get this dream right..so the clown flips the pancakes

Oh, you flirt with everyone <creepy>

Some things are easier screamed in your head than done.

Men really be like “ is that a block notification or are you happy to see me?”