Get Confident, Stupid!

Every trip to the grocery store I Iook for Juantonio's and every trip I'm disappointed. I want to see what all the hype is about.

Hi, just calling to check on my car? The 2015 Focus? It's been a month.

"We apologize for the delay, sir, but we can't do any work on your vehicle until Ford shows some leadership and fixes it for us."

"Sorry, no more Andor. We're boycotting Disney until they bring back Jimmy Kimmel."

"They brought him back last week. Are you going to resubscribe?"

"Ugh, no, why would we do that?"

A coward's bio.

Hashtag resist*

*Shit your pants and hide under the bed.

FWIW, after a whole summer of "The President's budget IS THE budget! Congress will not save you! Prepare yourselves!" the government higher-ups where I work switched literally overnight to "Please look to the House spending package for guidance when setting targets for the coming fiscal year."

The Bible tells us Jesus was a carpenter, which in this guy's world means he had a desk job at his dad's general contracting firm and drove a $90,000 truck.

The Simpsons' cat Snowball, transformed into a monster.

Look, you can't expect a bunch of New York comedy writers to know if 47 is higher than 53.

Municipalities adjust their election calendars like this all the time. This is a total nothing story.

RFK Jr calls for athelas to be taken off the shelves as thousands of visitors to Liberty Island are stricken with the Black Breath.

I take it none of them had been shown Stand and Deliver approximately 100 times in high school.

I've never been a prolific poaster, but getting blocked by that guy was probably my proudest Twitter achievement.

And my doctors, all the best doctors, said to me, "Mr. Trump, this is the healthiest prostate we've ever seen. We've never seen a prostate with less cancer than this."

Whole lotta crocodile tears in that thread.

Then fight it. You're in the club, aren't you? You're under no obligation to fall in line.

Don't get me started on devs filling their games with artificial pixels made with DLSS. All-natural for me, thanks.

The kicker is based on their spelling they appear to be British.

If only Leia had sent Mon to the guillotine, and Holdo had sent Leia to the guillotine, then surely whoever sent Holdo to the guillotine would've had the strength to hold the New Republic together.

I take it as a diplomatic way of saying Evangelicals are heretics.

If a tree falls in a crowded park and I'm not there to witness it because I refuse to go outside, does it make a sound?

I've been there with "cool zone" for a while now.

Wikipedia tells me Politico wasn't founded until 2007, so how the hell did an article from 2005 get there?

Under the circumstances, would it be in bad taste to call today's Orioles - Blue Jays game an artillery barrage?

A lot of German cars come in through Baltimore.

*5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is a degrowther

Elon being a Goa'uld would actually explain a lot.

Boy, Harry Reid sure knew how to pick em.

Homer Simpson's drunken chicken scratch on a postcard.

It took a couple drafts to get it right.

Insisting the doctor cut off my leg to cure my cold because it worked in Crusader Kings 3.

It'll look a lot better after they fix that one LOD bug.