Stewart Goldstein

Now that he has his Peace Prize, I think he's going to go for the EGOT next.

Sisyphus was the original rock 'n' roller

"There's no such thing as a free lunch," said by someone who's never bought me lunch.

Shock Value by John Waters

May the road rise with you

Arby's slogan, "We have the meats," kinda sounds like the beginning of a ransom note.

He won the Presidency so he can fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming an interior decorator.

Excuse me? Why, just this morning I ended 12 wars, I think I deserve that second bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

What did Jesus eat for Thanksgiving?

It's time to come clean: I've been a Macedonian bot farm the whole time.

It is dubbed, enjoy.

We're probably just days away from discovering he spent a million dollars to be flown to a remote island where he was permitted to club baby seals.

You remember that little house on the prairie, it just sold for $1.5 million.

No matter how good Oscar Isaac is in Guillermo del Toro's Frankenstein, he will never beat Udo Kier in Andy Warhol's Flesh for Frankenstein, who said, "To know death, Otto, you have to fuck life... in the gall bladder!"

It's harder to be a perfect democrat than it is to get into the good place.

The one reason why it's better to be a Jets fan: We're never disappointed, we never expect anything from them.

I'm gonna give you an offer you can't refuse: either you give me the Nobel Peace Prize, or you're gonna get a knock on your door from the Department of War.

Top 5 causes of death in Russia:
5) Encephalopathy
4) Automobile accident
3) Heart disease
2) Cancer
1) Falling out of a window

Maybe it's me, but "anti colonizer maga white propaganda." What?

District attorney: it's a simple yes or no question Mr Comey, are you woke?

Until someone stops me, I will continue to pronounce "missile" like the Green Goose from "The Man Called Flintstone."

Leopold was working with the FBI to take down Loeb.

'Department of War' sounds like a perfect name for a heel tag team.

Call the boys

I know what you did last summer, and I'm not mad, just disappointed.

I just had my annual physical and I gained 6 pounds! I now ask that you all refer to me as a 104 pound weakling.

What good is AI if it won't give me Edvard Munch's painting The Scream, but with Luanne Platter.

Hate to write this, but the first time I saw John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness I hated it. Not any more, now it's a go-to of mine. Love it.