George Bass

Quicker police response times would suit (and shirt) campus security As a first responder to thefts, attacks and student house parties gone wild, the prospect of faster emergency help sounds great, says George Bass

Been threatened and not sure what counts as reasonable force? Wish it was something they’d taught you? I wrote this for @timeshighered.bsky.social on staying safe, and what to do if faced with a claustrophobic spice user: www.timeshighereducation.com/opinion/quic...

The Tiger Who Came for a Pint

Now more than ever, we need Sean Lock.

Don’t do EuroMillions tomorrow 😱

Next week’s cover shot is the Devil emptying his air fryer. Tagline: “God stitched me up.”

“And we leave you with news that, in Westminster, there are cheers when it’s discovered that this week’s Prime Minister will be an ex-public schoolboy and his hilarious dad.”

“We hope you’ll reconsider the value of the necessary and important work our machines do to keep humankind under control.”

Really sorry Jon. Hope you get another gig soon. One where the boss has more morals than billions in the bank.

Not sure what’s more impressive: the paranoia or the flow. It’s like the disclaimer at the end of a radio ad.

They’ll have to send a chopper on his court date. As a result of adrenaline overdose in the Falklands, it’s physically impossible for him to travel via sweatbox.

Mandelson has dropped so many clangers that his internal monologue is Michael Palin.

If a convicted child sex trafficker invites you to a party, listen to some Phil Collins before you RSVP.

Bouncer’s tip: when people start queuing backwards away from the bar, stick a red rope next to them and ask if they can get their tickets ready. Then shine a torch in their bag.

In an ideal world Jonathan Pryce would have his own official fan club, and in an ideal world it would be called Brazil Nuts.

I’ve guarded some quiet venues in my time, but I reckon the only place with less foot traffic than a Melania screening is a car wash on the Isle of Sark.

The one thing scarier than the big red button: the big pink windmill.

A lot of power-hungry men sucking up to each other. Future historians will refer to our era as the Felch Revolution.

Time to dust off the Don’t Care jacket.

The way this follows Rival Dealer on Tunes is amazing. It’s like two lorries overtaking you, each doing 90.

“It’s great news, the best news, in fact. I’ve enjoyed chicken for many years. A lot of years. And now my wife has been in a turkey.”

I wrote this. My favourite shoplifting excuse: “I was about to pay, but then I thought I heard the fire alarm so had to run.”

What The Bouncer Saw From daring fiction to page-turning history, the Times Bookshop features over 350,000 titles, with curated recommendations from our literary experts.

Thank you very much to @thetimes.com for including me in their bookshop. Apparently customers also bought Why We Drink Too Much by Dr Charles Knowles. He give you the scientific answer; mine involves fish bowl promotions and shots for a pound night. timesbookshop.co.uk/what-the-bou...

Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine: how we made Sheriff Fatman ‘We used my flat’s rank toilet on the record sleeve with my guitar shoved into it – though I put a plastic bag over it first’

We all know there’s only one real sheriff in town: www.theguardian.com/music/2019/m...

Collected some nuclear close calls a few years ago for the Post back when it looked like North Korea might fire first. Includes the armed terrorist who broke into a military compound, triggered an attack alert, and turned out to be a pissed-off black bear. archive.is/dtyL1

Crossing fingers that there’s an unnamed pop-punk band out there who put a pin in Neo-Fascist Banana Republic.

“But he made the trains run on time …”

Maybe we could give him a Taco Bell Peace Prize.

Imagine if @boardsofcanada.bsky.social set a revenge tariff against the US, and made them wait 23 years for music instead of 13 …

Really hope the Ford factory worker gave him a hand signal back.

Reform have been through more line-ups than a girl band. Fiver says that by the time of the next election they’ll have changed their name to the Flagababes.

It’s 1998. In a windswept house off the west coast of Ireland, the first AI girlfriend is being beta-tested.