George Bass

He’s lucky he didn’t end up doing bird.

Looks like the kebabby who used to park outside one of the blocks we protect. Two buckets in the back of his wagon: one for fat, one for piss.

I feel bad for Rupert Lowe. It’s an honest mistake. He probably hasn’t felt this bad since the time the bulb blew in his walk-in wardrobe, and he phoned 999 saying he’d been knocked out and taken to Narnia.

Greggs 2097

One of the biggest mistakes the BBC has ever made. And I’ve seen Don’t Scare the Hare.

Junior division: ICE ICE Babies
Senior division: Cold Dead Hands

When someone tells him that GPT stands for Genetic Parental Tracing.

“I really loved that disgraced financier.”

Has anyone tried asking it how much K is in Grok?

“Idea for a drama-documentary interviewing Cornish coast dwellers misrepresented by The Salt Path. To be titled ‘Into the Wound’ or possibly ‘Sea Salt & Slander Vinegar’ provided we hear back from Tyrrell’s.”

Just wrote about being made to police language and how its needed more urgently online. “‘Banter bouncing should be done digitally … Any detection of flagged language will result in the darkest secrets from your camera roll being automatically sent to your nan and/or mother-in-law.” t.co/RvaC5Vt6lg

Had fun writing this. Don’t worry: you won’t get chucked out for banter in real life. Not unless you’re reading 50 Shades out loud.

I’m a bouncer – policing what people say in pubs is a step too far A clause in Labour’s Employment Rights Bill aims to protect workers from ‘third-party harassment’. With pubs and clubs closing at an alarming rate, door supervisor George Bass asks: Where will they fi...

I wrote about banter bouncers, and the idea of being one while working as a real bouncer. Contains naked sleepwalkers, late-night bin fights, some four-star language and @susiedent.com www.independent.co.uk/voices/labou...

This was on BBC4 this week. Am sure it’s all just part of their nuclear week.

“The White House is currently unable to host major functions … without having to install a large and unsightly tent. Available now at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”

We’re on high nuclear alert. Here’s a history of near-deadly false alarms. From warnings of impending Russian nukes to the 2018 Hawaiian alerts of an incoming ballistic missile, we've had a harrowing array of near-misses.

Weird seeing nukes fall just up the road from me. If you’re on an American chicken farm you get to watch them fall for real. And they’re American nukes too: www.washingtonpost.com/history/2022...

How we made the nuclear apocalypse TV drama Threads ‘It was not the most comfortable of parts. I’m vegetarian, so the scene where we ate a sheep raw was pretty yuck’

Threads and The War Game are on BBC4 tonight. If you want to know how the first one of these got made, I spoke to Mick Jackson and Karen Meagher about going method and eating raw sheep, and why no-one in their right mind would want to survive a nuclear war. www.theguardian.com/culture/2019...

“It’s the 23rd of June 2016, and Britain is leaving the European Union.”

If the Lionesses got the same in the UK they could put the £100K towards the maintenance charge on the apartment.

As part of the new Online Safety Act, anyone trying to get into a 24-hour gambling den should first robustly prove their age by watching porn in the doorway.

I wish I could go back to the beginning of the season, put some money on England.

Incoming Bank Holiday in 3 … 2 …

“Brexit, Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, Donald Trump & Nigel Farage.”

“Where the scenery’s attractive/And the air is radioactive.” Three years later, a movie with an infamously high rem dose was released …

Same energy when doing pull-ups before my shift starts and After the Watershed by Carter appears on the playlist.

Playlist is called Ear Spinach.

As someone who’s paid to be first response to fights, I’m really looking forward to seeing Farage and Yaxley-Lennon wade in first. Nothing says inspiring leadership like blokes who are scared of a Toffee Crisp McFlurry.

Queen Victoria’s Coronation Disaster President Joe Biden’s inauguration as president this week went off without a hitch. But the same cannot be said for the ‘botched’…

Sometimes imagine watching her coronation, which sounds like such a shit-show that Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood could have hosted it: joshwest63.medium.com/queen-victor...

“So tell me, Future Boy: who’s president in 2025?”

“Say hi to your mom from me.”

a machine with a sticker on it that says ' a ' ALT: a machine with a sticker on it that says ' a '

Hope Paul Verhoeven is watching this and pissing himself laughing.