Joe Kaplan

My friend was bragging that her dog could retrieve a ball from over a mile away. Seems a little far-fetched to me.

Canadian bees are closely connected to the flowers. USBs connect to computers.

A man just hit me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy!

Where do hackers go when they die? Encrypts

Person 1: I have a pen that can write underwater. Person 2: Wow, really? Person 1: Yeah. It writes other words too, though.

Do not spell the word 'part' backwards. It's a trap!

For a while, Houdini used trap doors in every act. It was a stage he was going through.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c? Because, you can't c in the dark!

Knowing the measurement from the tip of your pinky to the tip of your thumb is pretty handy.

The past, present, and future all walked into a bar. Things were tense.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.

It's important to keep some candy in your pockets at all times... ...it could be a lifesaver.

I never could get my guitar to gently weep, but I did get it to fret.

Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus? Nobody.

Where did Luke Skywalker get his cybernetic hand? The second hand store.

How does Wicket get around Endor? Ewoks!

What do you call a plant that sneaks up on its prey? An ambush!

They tried making a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

Two parrots land on a perch. One bird says to the other, "Wow does it smell like fish here!"

How do Tuskens cheat on their taxes? They always single file, to hide their numbers.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

An acorn is, in a nutshell, an oak tree.

The company that makes yard sticks won't be making them any longer.

There once was a singer of old. Who then broke away from the fold. He won't give you up. He won't let you down. In a word you have been Limerick-rolled.

Prometheus had the first hot take.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

I don't know why some people make a big deal about planting a garden... ...it's sow easy!

Who is the patron saint of adding people into emails? Saint Francis of a CC.

I was diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. It's called FeeFiPhobia.