Bob Keen

I’m all for free speech, but people who say “I am abundance” should at least get fined.

Can we just make sure Air Force 1’s traffic controller is DEI too, then?

Attack today with the confidence of a “free speech” comic on a podcast using the first amendment to convince me to put the second amendment in my mouth.

🐻⬇️

Attack today with the confidence of a guy people called a hero for shooting a health insurance CEO dead in the street until they saw your face, and now they’re just calling you hot.

Attack today with the confidence of the dude who decided the #UnitedHealthcare investor meeting should still start on time.

The food must be rough if they’re eating the customers.

Y’all: “I’d pay to watch Jake Paul fight ____”

Me: “I’m only paying if his next opponent is a wood chipper he gets fed into.”

Don’t look now, the U.S. is about to “spread democracy” at The Hague

Attack today with the confidence of a college girl that thinks a white claw is in any way sufficient to chase a shot of Malört

You gon’ learn today, sweetheart.

If I really cared about making it in comedy, I’d *checks notes* eat sandwiches in my car and rate them until I get 100k followers.

Then I’d bomb because by then I will have forgotten all my jokes. The booker won’t notice.

Calling it right now: Matt Gaetz lays low for 3 months and comes out co-hosting a podcast with Chris D’Elia, they do an episode of Rogan that does numbers, and Shane Gillis is forced into being friends with them.

“Bob, if comedy only makes you angry, why do you do it?”

The same reason why people golf: It sucks, it’s pointless, leads you nowhere and makes you consistently angry.

… oh you thought there was an upshot coming?

Attack today with the confidence of a TV exec with a nose full of blow, pitching the new “Baywatch,” in a world where people can just pull their phones out and watch porn instead.

I only make sense when the doomsday clock is past 11:58. I look forward to my irrelevance as proof of improvement.

If this is just Twitter for democrats, I won’t be thrilled, but it’ll still be better.