Matt Freeman

My wife's weird, last week she said she wouldn't mind if I had a tattoo, today she's complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden.

Screenshot saying "Go to your basket"

Fed up with the John Lewis's website talking to me as if I'm a naughty dog.

old mcdonald is a nonexistent figment generated by a large language model, A I A I Oh

Remember this fact. The two most famous Melbournes are in Victoria and Derbyshire.

The most exciting story in our local newspaper is about the police raiding a dilapidated wooden seat in the park.
Well, I *say* most exciting, but really it was the bust of a bad bench.

When I was 16, went to intro meeting for Manchester Youth Theatre

One of the leaders said 'I'm just going to introduce myself, because I'll be wearing lots of different hats over these weeks'

And I thought, yep, got it, memorise his face, so I know it's him, even if his hat changes

Writing tip: Write words in the order you intend them to be read, not in alphabetical order. 21st century readers don't have the attention span to assemble a story from its alphabetized words. These are no longer the days of Dick Moby, Heights Wuthering, and And Peace War.

andy zaltzman did an amazing joke before the election in july: “opinion polls are like ex-wives. if ten of them are saying the same thing, you should probably pay attention to them.”

???

Liverpool, Mainz, Milan, Alaves

A ROAST IN A BEEF

GIANT YORKSHIRE PORK

PUDDING TURKEY

TREAT YOURSELF A ROUND OF SAUSAGE

A Bluesky exclusive for you (unless you were at the recent live shows): via pod listener Isaac — from an animal park on the outskirts of Bordeaux — the greatest "footballers' names in things" we've ever been sent.