Viva

My cheesy moment in grief is brought to you by Tom Petty, reminding us all that there ain’t no easy way out.

I'M SCREAMING THIS IS SO GOOD

Tonight’s torment repeats over and over in my head. I am never going to see my dad again. There’s nothing that can make that ok.

If it isn’t it should be for all the gross things I’ve seen happen to chairs at the library

I’m breaking the librarian cardinal rule-I’m sitting in a cloth covered chair at the airport.

What in the actual fuck

Lifelong friends, colleagues. Twitter was my dating service for a bit which looking back on it is whoa. Oh, and I married one.

Listening to the aspen leaves blow in the wind reminds me of our shared love of these mountains. I love that you are everywhere while hating that you are nowhere

Looking around, I guess we really aren’t. Maybe my sweet immigrant dad who loved this country and hated all of this bullshit with everything he had just couldn’t bear it anymore. 6/6

feeling so worried for the people whose lives were about to upended when maybe that wasn’t it at all. I am a mess. There are so many little reminders in a day and I really don’t know how any of us are doing ok. 5/?

I managed to get to my mom around midnight and I thought the smell of their house would undo me but it didn’t smell right. Neither of us said it, but we knew. All this to say, a fire truck showed up in my neighborhood today and I completely came undone wrapped up in remembering and 4/?

I also have watched the police, ambulance, and fire truck show up. I’ve watched them run around so urgently trying to save him for 30 minutes and I watched them wheel him out, running while someone does CPR like in the movies. To me, it is clear that he was gone. Officially declared 4:25pm 3/?

After he took off his gloves, he went inside. It was 2:58pm. My mom came home at 3:14 and he was, we all agree, already gone. I watch those videos over and over. It’s all I have left and I scream at him. You’re about to die, that branch you just dropped doesn’t matter. 2/?

We helped my folks set up security cameras at their house last Xmas and so I can watch my dad putter around the yard for an hour the day he died. He pauses by the garage door looking out over everything as he takes off his gloves. I wonder what he was thinking every day. 1/?

Work has been so kind and meetings have been slim and shifted to online which helps with the in your face of everything right now. But, tomorrow is an all day, city thing with people I don’t know. I’m worried.

Sometimes all you can do is sit in the car because getting out is just too much

I know you do. I hate that for us

This doesn’t feel like home anymore. This is just where I first heard that my dad died.

Came home today, leaving my mom on her own, like she wants. The further we got from their house, the farther away he feels. When I’d say dad in his house, I felt him there surrounded by his things and being strong for my mom. A little tether remained and now that is gone, too

I know you’re right, I just can imagine it right now

Mom and I had tried to have a normal day. We ran errands, looked at things she wanted to and I didn’t punch anyone in the face for the crime of being alive when my dad isn’t. Progress?

I’ve been in a bubble with my mom and my love for the last almost two weeks. Trying to get mom set up for success, working on all the things together. That is coming to an end and I know I have to move forward- we all do but I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

fuck

so many dead canaries and we just keep on mining

Today was the hardest day since the day he died. I’m exhausted but can’t sleep.

Do me a favor, strangers on Bluesky, play your favorite music as loud as you can and relish in the experience. Let my dad’s light live on through you for just a little bit longer, ok? 🎶🎶 thank you from a grateful daughter who misses her dad. (6/6)

I’ve asked friends and family to honor him by blasting their favorite song at top volume and enjoying the hell out of it. Since then, I’ve been getting a steady stream of texts and messages of what they listened to and it is heartbreaking and good all wrapped into one. He would have loved it. (5)

I wanted to die until I realized the mad respect he was getting. Cheers and rock n roll signs, the whole bit. Dads rule was, if it’s good blast it.

He would open all the doors and windows in the house and blast so many things. His favorite was 1812 Overture. It is even his ring tone. (4)

I was born in KC but my formative years were in a small town with a Main Street where all the kids hung out. In my tween years my dad went down Main with all the windows down blasting, and I mean blasting, Huey Lewis & the News. Heart of Rock and Roll. (3)

I remember the first time we heard Siegfried’s Funeral March. We weren’t even in the same room but after it finished, he says in a stunned voice, “did you hear that?” To which I responded omg yes. Jazz, blues, classical, and rock. No rap tho. We shared our new discoveries with each other often (2)