Schatten Born

I'm too funny for your own good.

"Trust me this is a banger", I say as I hold a lit firework next to me.
"You shouldn't hold it this close to your ear", you tell me.

*BANG*

"THIS WAS A BANGER!", I scream, now suffering from hearing loss.

*Me hearing Dies Irae unprompted in the background of my day to day.*

"That shit slaps, only good things can happen to me!"

Wait.

if you're a vampire, are you allowed to retire at the normal age of retirement?

I hope my GP is a vampire.
(Explains all the blood I lose there.)

Then that means I never have to find a new one.

Oh, how fun!

(It isn't fun.)

mistressdratha "mens section"... more like where the hot women shop solfungus "womens section"... more like where the hot men shop casmick-consequences "soup section"... more like where's the clothes

sussura People will say "write what you know!" But I know so little tlaquetzqui "Bad books on writing tell you to write what you know', a solemn and totally false adage that is the reason there exist so many mediocre novels about English professors contemplating adultery." - Joe Haldeman pondofreflection What a perfectly brutal comment.

meal @mealgrrl.bsky.social My dealer: got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called "the tower of Babel" 😳 Me: yeah whatever. I don't feel shit. 5 minutes later: Ich habe gerade jemanden in Zungen sprechen hören, lol My buddy Uruk pacing: 我們的驕傲將摧毀這座城市 November 23, 2024 at 3:28 PM

Anderson Glossum @hellabarnes.bsky.social Nice non-hellenic culture you have there. Unfortunately, I already depicted myself as an urbane polis-dweller and you as a guy that goes "barbarbar." September 16, 2025 at 3:23 PM

Mike. @dumbmike.bsky.social walking into a dark room where everyone i love jumps out with noisemakers and confetti and unfurls a banner reading "INTELLECTUALLY INCAPABLE OF STANDING TRIAL" September 17, 2025 at 2:36 PM

gains @gains-skeets.bsky.social "your other left" must have gone so hard to the guy who first invented it September 15, 2025 at 5:00 PM

georgia-lux @georgialux.bsky.social i'm from a small town. just one item shop, no weapons or armor shops there. tweren't no castle neither, folks saved their game at the church proper-like September 26, 2023 at 10:26 PM

ceej @ceej.online the winds have brought me ill tidings (blew a bunch of shit into my yard) August 26, 2024 at 11:36 PM

lauren @lauren.rotatingsandwiches.com (lying) of course i would love to be proven wrong November 19, 2024 at 12:52 PM

Frosh @froshkiller.dev Making small talk while I determine whether my defense value exceeds your attack value August 14, 2025 at 4:02 PM

Stella @antlervel.vet This post uses an autosave feature. Please do not exit the post while this icon is visible 🔄 August 11, 2025 at 10:23 PM

Guy "like a Fawke's Guy" @brainmage.bsky.social Jerry: It's finally finished! Ain't she a beaut? George: Never seen anything like it Jerry. Elaine: How tall is it? J: Eh, about tall enough to reach God? G: To reach God! You don't say! E: Syh whalls pprtth dhsi n jyhhub? J: Prtta, laksknn aj hkrrl! G: Aj hkrrl? J: Aj hkrrl! November 18, 2024 at 3:56 PM

Michael Penis Jr. @ilovepets420.bsky.social (making someone else the bottleneck) i don't want to be a bottleneck for this process July 25, 2025 at 1:30 PM

mindflakes @mindflakes.bsky.social • 2d Catch a bird out of the air with your bare hands to obtain Birdpoints. These can be exchanged for new upgrades and abilities [replying] competentposter @competentposter.bsky.social Just spent some of my Birdpoints. A bird in the hand is now worth three in the bush. August 10, 2025 at 1:03 PM

Two humorous social media posts about cats believing their owners can control nature, like rain and sunlight. Transcribed Text: Feline_Tales My cats have this meow that means “please come with me to fix this” after which they’ll lead me to the problem in question, usually a empty (or ‘empty’) food bowl or a closed door they want open. They look at the ‘problem’, they look back at me, clear message. What fascinates me is how this illustrates what they percieve as being in the realm of my ‘power.’ I control the food, I control the door, sure, but my cats love to sit on the balcony in the sun, and it has happened plenty of times that on a rainy day they come get me, go to the balcony and show me... the rain. “Please fix this” they say. “Please get rid of the wet” “Silly kitty,” I say, “I can’t control the rain.” I then walk into the shower and turn on the rain. purrfect_logic I hope this is a universal cat owner experience. Every single night he begs me to turn the sun back on so he can watch birds on the balcony. I tell him no, I cannot do that. But I can turn lights on and off in the house and he’s fairly certain I’m just not applying myself properly here.

Narrator of the YouTube video 'I Beat Super Cheese World Without Collecting a Cheese': obviously we have to collect the tutorial cheese because it is given to us automatically
Me: liar! booo! do it properly!

silly doodle

I could really do with a Kingdom Hearts Re:Re:Coded right now. 👀

"impossible" is just a word to me....

....with a definition....

......and general connotations associated with it.......

Panel 1: The Persian army stands before the Spartans at the famous pass of the Battle of Thermopylae, which is the basis of the movie 300. One of the Persian soldiers steps forward and points at King Leonidas, saying "OUR ARROWS WILL BLOT OUT THE SUN." Panel 2: Leonidas, looking stern and cool with some hard shading, begins to reply "THEN W--" Panel 3: Shen, also in a Spartan cape, puts his hand on Leonidas's shoulder, interrupting him, saying "Bro... Bro put me in front, I have played SO MUCH Touhou." Panel 4: Shen is dodging arrows falling from the sky so fast that he is leaving afterimages. Around him are a few dead Spartans who could not dodge arrows as fast.

Mimiku

The WinRAR librarian 📚