The Borowitz Report

Hey Trump: shitty job numbers aren’t what’s hurting you politically—your shitty job performance is #youfucker

Me too

When Americans are out of work because of Trump’s policies, when they can’t buy produce because he deported farm workers, and when they can’t afford coffee because of his political vendetta against Brazil, it really won’t matter if he forces the government to issue fake economic statistics

Molly Ivins's quote about Dan Quayle applies equally well to Trump: “If you put that man’s brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards.”

Clearly Trump wants Sesame Street gone so people won’t learn how to understand shitty job numbers

Sorry, DJT, but even if you start a nuclear war we’re still gonna want to see the Epstein files #youfucker

Scotland Celebrates Departure of Trump Massive celebrations erupted across the land.

Massive celebrations erupted across Scotland on Wednesday to celebrate what Scots called “the glorious departure of Donald Trump.”

Wonder how Jake Tapper’s next book is coming along

Not sure we need the Epstein Files when Trump helpfully gives more evidence of his guilt every day

If you find it unsettling that Trump is now saying Epstein “stole” a young woman from him as if she were a piece of property, you are having the reaction that anyone with a shred of humanity would have

So what?

Portrait in Assclownery: CBS's New Despot The newest chapter in the debasement of the American media.

The newest chapter in the debasement of the American media.

Not if you look at history.

Not funny, but true: All tyrants eventually fall. But after that happens, the people and institutions that bowed down to them will never regain their reputations.

Just so I've got this straight, Trump brags about grabbing women's genitals but vehemently denies drawing them

If you’re wondering what Ghislaine’s chances are at the Supreme Court, I predict Trump will nominate her and, after much public hand-wringing, Susan Collins will vote to confirm

JD Vance to Serve Rest of Ghislaine Maxwell’s Prison Term “JD wasn’t thrilled about it, quite frankly,” Trump told reporters.

“JD wasn’t thrilled about it, quite frankly,” Trump told reporters. “He was crying like a dog.”

The Actual Conspiracy Theory Surrounding Trump and Epstein It’s not what you think it is.

Kate Manne has the receipts. Please read and share this incredible piece of work.

I like the way the Scottish are greeting Trump. If only The NY Times would adopt this bluntness

The resemblance is unfortunate

It’ll be fun watching David Ellison, prominent member of the lucky sperm club, run Paramount/CBS into the ground. Maybe his lord and master Donald Trumpstein can give him tips on declaring bankruptcy

Colbert’s last 10 months on CBS will be the longest 10 months of Trump’s life

Sing along with me: “It’s beginning to feel a lot like Watergate…”

Americans Support Renaming Kennedy Center After E. Jean Carroll “An arts center should not be named after someone who finds blood-red Christmas trees aesthetically pleasing.”

“An arts center should not be named after someone who finds blood-red Christmas trees aesthetically pleasing.”

Time's up #youfucker

Trump Offers to End War With Harvard if They Admit him to Freshman Class “Harvard blew their chance to admit Donald J. Trump in 1964, and now they have a chance to fix that,” he declared.

Detailing plans for his undergraduate career at Harvard, Trump said, “I will major in art.”

I would like to rename the Kennedy Center the Release The Epstein Files Center You Fucker

Who’s with me?

Seconded

House Republicans want to rename the Kennedy Center after Melania. I hereby retire from satire