Sid Corvid

yesterday i put glitter on my eyelids
for the first time in weeks
went out to eat with my sister
we spoke of you with anger and empathy in equal parts
life without you sucks
but slowly
i am stepping back into it

it’s strange, this grief process.

anyways my ghost will haunt the halls of every heart i’ve ever touched for eternity

what’s up bluesky i wanna give a quick shoutout to weed for helping me get out of my house and to this psychiatrists office to do intake paperwork for meds to make my brain better

one hour a week isn’t enough i need to be in therapy 24/7

what is UP i was going for a subtle eye look today because i ✨can’t stop crying✨ and don’t want my clients to be able to tell but instead i wound up with an accidental smokey eye so i guess the lesson here is sometimes you’re having a full ass breakdown and wind up crushing it at everything anyways

i try my best to push past the intrusive thoughts, the image of carnage and cruelty that have been streaming into my phone since 2023, the trauma that has been running rampant in my mind and body for over thirty years.

the outfit i pick doesn’t showcase the weight loss.

today i take my vitamins and do my makeup. i promise myself ill get a solid meal in. i try not to be cruel to myself. i thank my body for taking me through another day at my very physical job.

i keep assuring people i am fine. and i think i believe it. but i have used used hunger as a coping mechanism most of my life and these days, i am starved of more than just food.

the smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes, the smudge of eye makeup near the corners, the dissociative stare when i’ve successfully turned the conversation into someone else’s hands.

once my brother asked “Do you not feel hunger, or did you learn how to get used to ignoring it?” i had been at his house all night and refused all offers of food. my relationship had been falling apart, my BD had grown crueler and crueler to me, and he noticed what this client isn’t noticing.

they don’t. i’ve been in denial about it but im shrinking out of them again. i’ve been brushing off my sister and sister in laws concerns too.

i’ve used hunger as a coping mechanism most of my life. my earliest sensory memories are of the painful nausea of a child who has not been fed in too long.

i shrugged when she asked if my clothes were fitting differently, pointed out the slight hollowing to my cheeks and thinning of my face. “Well, it certainly isn’t on purpose!! I have been eating less fast food lately, maybe that’s why. my clothes still fit the same.”

my own inner voice called me a liar without using any words, reminded me of the tears i cried sitting in the edge of my tub that morning, the tears i had been crying all week, the seventeen or so months since my appetite started dwindling.

“Have i?” the smile was fake and forced and i wonder if she noticed it didn’t reach my eyes. “i certainly don’t feel any thinner!!”

i wondered if her observant, analytical gaze saw past the false bravado and over caffeinated charm.

when my client said “You’ve lost weight,” as she settled into my chair, it wasn’t a compliment. It wasn’t criticism, praise, concern. it was an observation.

it was said in the same way she would have pointed out that i’ve changed my hair again. a simple statement of fact.

i though that was AU Shou Tucker

it’s just me, my dark red lip combo, and my sparkly eye makeup against the world

what’s up Bluesky i keep forgetting all about you

hi Bluesky i’m bad at Bluesky here’s me cramping and sad on the floor of my salon laundry room. i have to get back to work now.

YouTube video by Helio Why Israel Fears Boycotts More Than Protests

Weaponise capitalism for a good purpose: #boycott
@boycatapp.bsky.social

hi i’m sid corvid and this is bluesky with sid corvid (i am
still gaining my bearings)