Emz Monsoon

Happy Horny Frankenstein Day to all who are celebrating

Photograph of a tabloid story about a shaved dog in Clare mistaken for a lion with the headline "Shaving Private Lion". #SpéirGorm #SpéirGorm

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"How are we going to show it's a dress for a CHRISTMAS party though?"
"I don't know, give her a random chunk of a christmas tree?"
"Dave, you're a fucking genius."

I am, somehow, all three.

I've got bras older than that, although they'd probably not be as good at football. Maybe in goal, at a push.

Idea for the next ten years of Halloween costumes: Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.

Fantastic news! Never read anything by Ronson I've not loved.

Has a woman ever been hotter than Isabella Rossellini in Death Becomes Her?

I'm going to a Halloween party tomorrow dressed as a sexy witch.

What makes it a witch costume? It involves a pointed hat and stripey tights.

What makes it a sexy costume? I'm wearing it.

Picked up a proper True Crime artefact in the charity shop today!

The older you get, the more scrotal the skin on your eyelids becomes.

I don't know if you've ever tried applying eyeliner to a ball sack, but it's not ideal.

Can I offer you a purring kitten in these trying times?

Danny Glover was 42 in Lethal Weapon and that makes so much sense because I am also getting too old for this shit.

Whilst the aim of this year's 31 for 31 is to watch more new spooky/horror films, last night's was such a bummer today had to be a reliable classic.

I saw a person on an electric scooter, wearing a back pack that had massive digital eyes, which looked around and blinked, and I just think it's wise of them to take measures to ward off their natural predators.

What did Kathy Najimy do to offend the design team at Disney? This is a hate crime.

What if I say "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable..." and it's just the Skinny Dip Patty and Selma themed pjs?

Going OUT out

The amount of people who have been cheered up by me telling them The Rapture is today is frankly concerning.

I think Ziggy has a side quest for me...

The only bad thing about Autumn is that it's impossible to look cool in a rain coat.

"I've listened to Tom McRae for 25 years, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and a depressive disorder." a bit wordy to be fair.

Just say you hate brown people. Just say it with your whole chest. Say you're weak and scared and have swallowed propaganda whole in big meaty chunks. You're flying the English flag because you've seen other bigots fly it.

And if you went over there, they'd call you foreign too.

So why, when you are about your nationality, or your local identity, are you claiming the flag of another country?

It's almost like, you don't know what the fuck you're actually doing.

In the North of Ireland/Northern Ireland we can legally identity as Irish or British.

But we're not English. People in Scotland aren't English. People in Wales aren't English. We aren't even, supposedly, governed by an English body.

I see the flag shaggers are flying the St George's cross outside city hall.

Importantly, BELFAST city hall.

Now, if we're to believe this is about keeping the city for the "locals" or national identity, why are you flying the flag of a different country?

If my brain insists on me being awake since 3am, I feel like the least society could do is arrange for me to be gently carried to my place of business.

The most important part of my work day is the 20 to 40 minutes I spend going I DON'T WANT TO, whilst simultaneously completing my work in an efficient and timely manner.