digital star system 💾🌟

transfem to transmasc communication

and so i suffer in silence, letting thoughts bounce around in my head, and i live in fear of ever expressing myself too much, of being too passionate

and it's so lonely, but i feel like i've run out of options

i want to stop overthinking everything

and so many people will go "oh, if they don't want to listen to you talk about it, then find new friends", but that's very hard when it's all you Think about. anyone would get sick of it after a certain point. I can't blame anyone for it. it's ultimately my own fault

people only want to hear about persona 5 or sonic the hedgehog so much before they resent you. most normal people do not care about the ethics of spotify's recommendation engine. and yet these things keep me up at night, and they prevent me from holding conversations

I don't know what I'm so afraid of anymore, or why I live with this constant sense of anxiety and fear, why I feel like I am always pushing myself in a box. why I never talk about my interests anymore. why I never talk about my fanfics or my artwork or anything

sorry, this is deeply disorganized as a thought process. i just feel so much hatred towards myself for the things i love. they're in my way. they are preventing me from being Normal. but I shouldn't strive for Normal. Normal is what kills people like me

and so I write six pages about music streaming services, a topic that most people don't think about or care about, hoping to turn my special interests into something Palatable, but underneath the surface I still feel like I'm suffocating.

might come with recommending it that i just *don't*. Persona 5 shaped who I have been for the last three years, but it seems so childish in retrospect that I worry it reflects on me poorly. literally every Sonic game has been so defaced by the public that it's just not worth it

that there is almost always a layer of context required as to why I love them, or why they mean the world to me, and i am so afraid of judgment that I recommend safe picks instead of the things that matter. Oreimo means the world to me, but I am so afraid of the judgment that

and it's very hard, in a lot of ways. i do not listen to music much anymore because I am constantly confused over which platform i should give my time. or I can host my own, and spend a week worrying about that instead. and i don't recommend the media i love, because i am aware-

so ultimately, I am shameful, and embarrassed, that people can live their lives without these thoughts. that people can enjoy things normally, without stress, without sparking an internal debate that requires all of their immediate attention

it's also one of those things where like, I have started to feel like my autism has betrayed me here. it does not feel like the quirky character trait that people say it is. it is now debilitating, because something as simple as listening to music becomes a monumental task

I think it's very easy to get caught up in this strange extreme where "I shouldn't feel shame for liking these things" gets translated to "I should be allowed to consume without critical thought", but it feels like a battle with myself that i am constantly losing.

both of those things have quite literally changed my life for the better. They have *saved* my life.

meanwhile, my interests in things like streaming music, have helped me become aware of the greater impact my actions have on the creative spaces I love! which is also important!

I care a lot. I care a lot about all of these things. even if I'm still 13 at heart, I still have lots of love for the things that inspired me, no matter how "slop" they might be. Sonic the Hedgehog got me into graphic design, and SAO got me into VR, and

like, ultimately, yeah, congrats digistars, 95% of the things you love are "slop" of some kind, or in the real world, directly contributing to a worsening state for artists and musicians around you. there are reasons to have self-awareness about this, but at the same time...

I think lately I have been falling victim of Shame, in a lot of ways. I am shameful of my interests, I am shameful of my hyperfixations, I am shameful of everything. which has been kind of a lot to unpack, really. largely because I do think *some* level of introspection is needed

long thread abt shame and guilt and overthinking and autism from my twitter priv that the bsky side might find some . fascination, in, i guess

a thread

i pay bills and rent, and yet i still unfortunately care about sword art online

i love being a grown adult. i have my own apartment in a big city, friends and loved ones i treasure, social events i go to, and yet still, strong opinions about sonic the hedgehog and anime i first watched when i was twelve years old

Samus Metroidus

Left-Wing Group Too Disorganized For FBI Agents To Infiltrate

Left-Wing Group Too Disorganized For FBI Agents To Infiltrate theonion.com/left-wi...

I LOVE SHARING MUSIC

I LOVE HELPING PROPAGATE THE THINGS I LOVE

I LOVE ENABLING THE FREE FLOW OF INFORMATION AND ART

Slept for 11 hours. Ugh this SUCKS

everyone in this show is just a bunch of cucks huh

the ALO arc of SAO season 1 is awesome because they so explicitly go the incest route and then just never bring it up again. like yeah. suguha confesses. it's a thing. every shot for the rest of the season has the two one step away from kissing. it will never be mentioned again

I have no idea why I'm like this, but it is a miserable, miserable existence

see, normal autistic people have special interests like Trains or Five Nights at Freddys or Sonic the Hedgehog or LEGO or Pens or *something*

my autism?
music streaming services.
i *love* them. i *adore* them. they suck and they're ruining the music industry but they are my special interest.

help.

I'd argue Qobuz has an even smaller library, but i don't really think it's even trying to compete with the others in the same way

and then there's deezer and amazon music, but i forget they exist and honestly sometimes it feels like a miracle that they do