@zachreinert.bsky.social #FiveYearsAgoToday (give or take)

Pat Tillman had a lot in common with my coworker that died of testicular cancer because they were both killed by their own unit

JD Vance has apparently told those close to him he’d love to have his face end up on a US coin. It sounds egotistical, but he probably just wants to be inside even more couches

I really like those “I bought it before he went crazy” bumper stickers people are putting on their teslas so I bought 25 of them to put on every white ford bronco I see

What did the economy say to the Boeing airplane?

Is it cool if I crash with you today?

Millie Bobby Brown implies the existence of Millie Whitney Houston

I hope Elon Musk passes away on Columbus Day because it’d be such an easy swap holiday wise

Planes are falling out of the sky. Have you seen this? Heard about this? Apparently in 2025 joining the mile high club is just the plane making it a mile into the air

So many plane crashes lately you’d think the whole thing was invented by the Wrong Brothers

9/11 could never happen in 2025. The planes would never fly far enough successfully without falling out of the sky

Had three different women try getting in the backseat of my car this weekend thinking I was this uber. Ted Bundy would have crushed 2025

My cousin got fired from Olive Garden for filming a porno inside the restaurant. When you are there you are NOT step family

Hello sharks, today I am asking for $500,000 for the safe return of all of your children

Bigfoot is blurry on camera because he’s covered in corporate logos

I want to get a tear drop tattoo by my eye, and then when people ask me who I killed I’m gonna be like “the tattoo artist”. I asked for my daughter’s name on my arm

I want to get a tear drop tattoo by my eye, and then when people ask me who I killed I’m gonna be like “the tattoo artist”. I asked for my daughter’s name on my arm

No child should ever have to bury a parent either. You’re going through trauma and someone at the cemetery gets paid to do that

The news is so depressing I think we should start calling it the noose

Nobody is more pissed about not winning the Super Bowl and getting to visit the White House than Harrison Butker

Nobody is more pissed about not winning the Super Bowl and getting to visit the White House than Harrison Butker

Why can’t John Fetterman just run an auto zone like he’s meant to

A January 6th rioter pardoned by Donald Trump was arrested on Wednesday for attempting to solicit sex with a minor. I mean what a genius, he commits the two crimes Trump is willing to pardon!

Donald Trump is destroying the the department of education but the second amendment got the lid of the jar loose so to speak

Doctors have warned RFK jr to never partake in marijuana because the worm in his brain could get the munchies and eat it even faster

Gulf of America instead of Mexico. Mt McKinley instead of Denali. Now I hear Barron Trump is even replacing the Statue of Liberty folks

New episode out everywhere you get podcasts! A MAGA nerd told us we lack "journalistic integrity." Give it a listen to decide for yourself

An Indiana man pardoned for January 6th was shot and killed during a traffic stop by a sheriff’s deputy. Just ask the buffalo bills, sometimes you also lose the rematches

ICE agents were forbidden from entering an elementary school in Chicago on Friday. Look I don’t like cops, but I do commend them for trying to further their education

Listen to this podcast I host with @zachreinert.bsky.social where we tell Weekend Update style jokes

People who speed in the morning are the biggest losers on earth. Oh you want to get to your job faster? That’s so cool man