SkyBlueSky

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Remind your children that they’re fasting because of the Lord and not because you can’t afford groceries.

Tips For Observing Lent https://theonion.com/tips-for-observing-lent/

Get more from McSweeney's Internet Tendency on Patreon Creating daily humor almost every day

Our semi-regular reminder that much of the work on our humor & satire site is supported by readers through our Patreon. As little as a few bucks a month goes a long way to keeping us ad-, sponsored-content-, and pyramid-scheme free.

“I always just get bone-ins and ask for the bones on the side.” Zoe Barlow, Horticultural Essayist

Buffalo Wild Wings Allowed To Continue Using ‘Boneless’ Chicken On Menu https://theonion.com/buffalo-wild-wings-allowed-to-continue-using-boneless-chicken-on-menu/

Trump Suffers Setback Unrelated To Child Rape

Trump Suffers Setback Unrelated To Child Rape

Upon Review, It Looks Like President Nyarlathotep’s Small Business Soul Harvest Is Technically Against the Rules “The Supreme Court dealt a major blow to President Trump’s economic policy on Friday, ruling that he had exceeded his authority when he imposed tar...

"With all due respect to President Nyarlathotep, we do not believe the Necro-Administration's contention that 'Phantom Warlocks Only We Can See' was reason enough to initiate multiple soul harvest taxes directed at small business owners."

WE FIRED OUR FACT CHECKERS AND PASSED THE SAVINGS TO YOU.

Become A Member. Get The Paper. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ

Our Mission at the Environmental Protection Agency Is Simple: Destroy the Environment “President Trump announced he was erasing the scientific finding that climate change endangers human health and the environment, ending the federal...

"With these policies out of the way, we can ensure a brighter future for all Americans, one where smog blocks out the sun and stars, and everyone has emphysema."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our...

A bunny is hanging out with a bunch of potatoes on a hardwood floor.

“What’s up guys! My name’s Alexander, but my friends call me Fiver. You know, like in the book? My family just moved here from Des Moines because of Dad’s work. What kind of music do you like? I’m into hip hop. Get it? Hahaha! Mom says I’m the family comedian. Hello? Guys? Guys? Sprechen sie bunny?”

Last night, as my wife and I stood staring into the freezer, struggling to pick something for dinner, I proffered, “Chicken piccata?” She turned to me, and in very much her outside voice, sang, “IF YOU LIKE CHICKEN PICCATA…” and I was reminded for the thousandth time that I’d chosen the right woman.

The Comma from Which My Heart Hangs 1. If nothing else, one ought to know how to treat a comma. Abandonment or abuse of the comma muddles discourse, and this lack of respect is akin t...

"If nothing else, one ought to know how to treat a comma. Abandonment or abuse of the comma muddles discourse, and this lack of respect is akin to neglect, to a lack of appreciation, to an unreasonable rejection of the very foundation of all worthy human interactions."

a golden retriever puppy is being held up against a colorful sunset sky and appears to be taking a selfie. the clouds closest to the horizon are shades of orange and pink, and it fades to blue. a joshua tree behind the puppy is positioned so it appears as if it's coming out of his head. this angle gives the puppy a couple of chins, but please don't comment on it.

This is Hugo. He just wanted to make sure you didn't miss the sunset. 12/10 thank you Hugo (IG: maui_thegoldenpup)

“Four interviews and this is how I find out they went with someone internal?” Ian Vaske, Motorcycle Polisher

Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader https://theonion.com/kim-jong-un-selects-teen-daughter-as-north-koreas-next-leader/

“I guess it’s back to the ‘hot or not’ system.” Brett Dowdy, Jury Evader

Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years https://theonion.com/gallup-to-end-presidential-approval-polling-after-almost-90-years/

Some Autistic Thoughts on Joy, and a Sneak Peek at My Debut Fiction You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies...

"For those of us who run on empathy and a sense of justice, there’s an invitation to resist and not burn out. Even as we fight, living and relishing shouldn’t stop. My heart hears the invitation to joy and screams, 'YES!' Then my brain whispers, 'Girl, do you even like joy?'"

I Work at Disney World’s Hall of Presidents, and You People Need to Stop Eyefucking Animatronic Franklin Pierce I work as an Imagineer at The Hall of Presidents in Walt Disney World Resort. It’s a fine attraction that features our state-of-the-art Audio-Anima...

"You think I haven’t noticed the daily onslaught of you horndogs lining up on Liberty Square just to catch a glimpse of Handsome Frank?"

Your Career Aptitude Tests Results Suggest Bridge Troll This letter is to inform you that your career aptitude test evaluation is complete. Your recommended career: Bridge Troll. Here at the Career Aptit...

"Typically, the results yield a mix of career options (civil engineer: 43 percent match; project manager: 28 percent match, etc.). Your results, however, were about as clear as they come. Bridge Troll: 99.98 percent match."

'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes https://theonion.com/i-spilled-my-soda-report-nations-dopes-1819572671/

Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well

Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well

OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating Trump

OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating Trump https://theonion.com/openai-introduces-premium-video-generator-for-white-house-advisors-manipulating-trump/

Give Us Access to Your Ring Camera and Maybe We’ll Find Your Dog “A new feature from Ring Camera is causing a stir online. The AI-powered ‘search party’ feature helps locate lost pets, but some are questioning it...

"While you can’t legally install a Ring camera on your neighbor’s porch without their permission (trust us, we’ve checked), you can strongly insinuate that if they don’t get a Ring camera, they want every single dog on Earth to die."

“Is Kanzi free to babysit next Friday night?” Traci Sulock, Systems Analyst

Study: Bonobos Capable Of Human-Like Pretend Play https://theonion.com/study-bonobos-capable-of-human-like-pretend-play/

When I Invited All of You Over to Watch the “The Big Game,” I Assumed You Knew I Was Talking about Human Chess I don’t know why you’re all so upset. I’m sorry if there’s some “other event” that you were all more excited about that’s apparently also happening...

"Many of you seem to be particularly hung up on the fact that I repeatedly talked to you about whether or not tailor Swift would be attending the big game this year."

Department Of Education Sternly Announces It Is Counting To 3

Department Of Education Sternly Announces It Is Counting To 3 https://theonion.com/department-of-education-sternly-announces-it-is-counting-to-3/

There Is Limited Money in Our Big, Beautiful Budget, So We Need to Spend as Much of It as Possible to Keep Ruining Immigrants’ Lives “The $170 billion price tag for immigration enforcement eclipses other law enforcement expenditures at the federal, state, and local level…. The la...

"People think of the USA as a nation of immigrants and the land of opportunity, but the truth is, this country can’t afford to welcome all the migrants who want to live here. In fact, we barely have any money at all, because destroying the lives of immigrants is very expensive."

The Next Innovation in Higher Education: Vibe-Teaching™ As the associate vice provost for the Office of Asynchronous Online Courses for Student-Centered High-Impact Learning (OAOCSCHIL, an office we crea...

"As the associate vice provost for the Office of Asynchronous Online Courses for Student-Centered High-Impact Learning, I want to address a growing concern on campus: the rumor that asynchronous online classes are 'basically a scam.'"

Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired Coupon

Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired Coupon

Report: Employers Created 40,000 New Jobs For Existing Employees Last Month

Report: Employers Created 40,000 New Jobs For Existing Employees Last Month https://theonion.com/report-employers-created-40-000-new-jobs-for-existing-1819575878/

New Erotica for Feminists The cop asks if I know why he pulled me over. “Because my taillight is out?” “Yes, ma’am, it’s not a huge deal, but it could be a potential safety ...

"A construction worker catcalls me. He says he can see I’m smart because I have enormous books. He tells me he’s reading the latest Zadie Smith novel. I invite him to join my book club, and spend all night fantasizing about his insightful commentary on non-linear plot structure."

“Just use dark magick like a grown adult.” Rick Torres, Towelette Moistener

Report: Poisonings Of Domestic Partners Have Increased https://theonion.com/report-poisonings-of-domestic-partners-have-increased/