Jason Sweeney

You are now fluent in SEO

The thing I like about the phrase "ass for days" is the implied time commitment. Bring water and snacks. Make sure someone feeds your dog.

Containmentia

I’ve been looking for a cause…

*sigh* might as well set up ocean’s 11 next

I’m watching The Bourne Identity on the first day of the year because I might as well get it out of the way for another year.

ME: want to step outside our front door to see the massive fireworks display that is taking place literally across the street?

WIFE: how cold is it?

[checks weather]

ME: we can look at fireworks online

gonna do dry january this year (just the wriest, most sophisticated jokes, until I drive all my loved ones away)

Avery.

Damn fine action movie.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Loved it. But you do NOT need to stay for the post-credits bonus film. Not worth it.

Rory, the black cat who rules the world, peeks out from a cozy blanket wrapped around him.

Coziness is key.

OK sure - 'Star Wars' movies ranked, best to worst:

1. ryan listen its me you from the future (1980)
2. this is the only way i could make (2017)
3. contact you need to escape the Great War is (1997)
4. coming (2019)
6. you must make it to the Tunnels it is (1983)
7. safe there oh god they're (2016)

Just got to Alexandria, so thanks.

Great job, boys. You still did us proud.

SO MUCH HUSTLE

You know what you did.

Cmon, Aves.

I didn’t do too much.

A picture of a blue jay

Screengrab of text on screen that reads “Please give her two servings of white wine — the man next to her smells and snores”

My wife let me have the window on our flight today. Which put her next to a guy in the aisle seat who fell asleep in full man-spread for most of the flight. I took care of her though. (And made our flight attendant snort.)

wooooooooohooooooooooooo

If you're asking about the sound my cat makes when he sneezes, it's still adorable.

Mwuahahahahaha.

And also to you. Blessed be the Coke fizz.

You need to turn your gaze upon “A Thousand Blows”.

Mafia boss wants me to get rid of a Gen Z snitch. I drive him out to the Las Vegas desert at gunpoint but he refuses to dig his own grave. The kids don't want to work!