Pineapple

These republicans governors sending National Guard troops to DC all of a sudden — so you’re saying Trump caused an explosion in crime?

Screenshot of a TikTok profile like count reading "10k Likes"

The world is on fire and the government is out to kill us all and everything is the worst but...

Last night I got my 10,000th like on TikTok from the content I've been shitposting for the last three years, which have also been the very hardest of my whole life.

It's silly but I'm really proud.

Facts.

Screenshot of a like count from TikTok at 9,123

Just gonna see if I can hit 10k likes on TikTok before the end of the summer for funnies.

Last night he added, "The things Dad's wife says about me aren't true."

I've never had an inclination towards violence but the way I want to gouge out her eyeballs for the way she mistreats my children...

When people said Full Bush was in this year, I didn’t think they meant they wanted the US to invade a Middle Eastern nation falsely claiming they had weapons of mass distruction

a bald man in a suit and tie is sitting in front of a blue wall . Alt: Sir Patrick Stewart says "Mild shock."

That feeling when Clever Pineapple announces that Humperdink's wife's younger son told him that his mom said she's leaving Humperdink.

Leaving work to go to court.

Would so much rather stay at work.

If you tell me I can do this, I'll believe you...

a woman in a floral shirt is laughing with the fox logo in the background Alt: a woman in a floral shirt is laughing with the fox logo in the background

Actual footage of me at the orthodontist's office this morning sitting in a row with Humperdink and his wife and she starts scratching his back to show off how wonderful their marriage is as if I'm not the one who left him and also know exactly how disappointing he is in bed.

I'd much rather go to a protest today and Pride tomorrow but I have Family Court on Monday and I can't risk anything messing with that and the way Humperdinck STILL has that kind of influence over how I spend my own goddamn time enrages me.

So I'll go into work instead.

Trump ICE regime forces are kidnapping former Afghan translators that risked their lives to help the US. The regime in coordination with corrupt judges is entrapping people. When they show up to hearings the corrupt judges dismiss their cases quickly to allow ICE to snatch the victims. #3E #StopICE

It's amazing!

I have been following Eli McCann for at least five years for all the delightful Mormon adjacent humor and heart but his TikToks showcasing all the things he's aggressively knit for his husband and their dog is by far my favorite thing on the internet right now.

See the difference? 👀

Screenshot of a text to Pineapple listing all the lovely things about her that someone misses

A friend who'd recently moved texted me this three years ago.

The time that has transpired since have been the hardest of my life by far... I'm only just starting to dip my toes into life outside of Survival Mode.

And you forget who you even are when that happens...

This. This is who I am.

We did not have any of this drama when Joe Biden’s clone was president.

Okay but like you could 100% do this...

whenever i encounter people who say they can't understand shakespeare verses I always send them this clip from the 2019 Shakespeare in the Park production of Much Ado About Nothing

In May I had the kids more than not.

I felt like a mom again.

And I really really love being a mom.

In June I'll have them 5 days, today was the first.

It's a good month for it because I'll be able to pull as much overtime as I can stand at work...

But damn I'll still miss them so much.

There's a park Clever Pineapple really loves with stadium lighting when it gets dark so we go at the end of the day to enjoy it without crowds and sun.

Me: *notices CP wiggling in a tell tale way* Buddy, do you need to go to the bathroom?

CP: *nods*

Me: Okay Buddy, there's a--

CP: Tree?

Me: NO

I've said it before and I'll say it until the end of time.

I really am the luckiest mom in the whole wide world because I get to be his.

Tonight he got started on his own. He listed the 4 I always do for him and then launched into his own.

"I am enough."

I've never suggested that one.

I gasped and teared up and said, "Yes, you are enough. Just the way you are."

He nodded and hugged me.

"We both are, Mom."

"SOMETIMES I am impulsive. But I am LEARNING."

I think giving him a framework to process true messy things helped more than blowing them off.

He fights it sometimes but he gets there. On the nights he doesn't believe it, I tell him it's okay. I'll believe it for the both of us until he can.

For a little more than a month, I've been doing affirmations with him when I him into bed. I get him started with, "I am Clever Pineapple. I am a good kid. I am smart. I am brave. I am kind."

And he takes over from there.

He fought it HARD at first.

We included some things with qualifiers.

One of the horrible effects of living with two narcissists who despise him and make him the scapegoat of their dysfunction is that 9yo (HE'S NINE) Clever Pineapple engages in the most horrifying negative self talk.

He BELIEVES he's stupid. And unlovable. And the worst person ever.

It's awful.

I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a damn good mom.

And I really really love being one.

Especially when I actually get to BE one.

I was so damn efficient. I made sure everyone had entertainment so they all sat patiently when it wasn't their turn. I even got all the forms signed by me and the kids in the second batch.

Then I picked a restaurant for lunch that we'd never been to before and they all LOVED.

I got FIVE children there, ON TIME, with more than the required documentation for them and me, and I was able to overlap the appointments so that Pineapple Cat, Big Hearted Pineapple, and Clever Pineapple got theirs done simultaneously and then Tinker Pineapple and Feisty Pineapple got theirs.

But GODDAMN when I get to be a mom, I'm a fucking awesome one.

Pineapple Cat is old enough to have a license and Humperdinck has had primary OVER A YEAR AND A HALF and hasn't even taken her for her learner's permit.

So I did it today. And hell why not let's get all the kids state IDs.