Thumper Forge

"My boobs don't move."

"Do you have to break them in? Like new shoes?"

Conversations with my drag queen employee are unsettling out of context.

Investigator: "And that's how he got the nickname Blind Johnny?"

Interviewee: "... Yes. That's correct."

No notes. No notes.

2/2

Currently watching a Bigfoot documentary that is absolute crap but wildly entertaining.

Investigator: "Tell us about Blind Johnny."

Interviewee: "Well, he was playing Russian Roulette, and he shot himself in the eye."

1/2

Okay, but what if Norway were to give him a made-up prize, and the rest of us just, like, went along with it?

The rent here is outrageous, but the nightly entertainment is totally worth it.

3/3

Dog desperately tries to get owner to understand that There Is An Impostor.

Dog eventually notices me on my porch, simmers down, chuffs at me like, "Oh. Hey."

Owner is shell-shocked. Dog happily wags her tail and drags owner away.

2/3

It is dusk. A neighbor is walking her scary-looking but (usually) well-trained dog.

Another neighbor, who vaguely resembles dog's owner, steps out onto their porch.

Dog sees other neighbor, freezes, then goes all-out DEFCON 1.

Other neighbor screams and runs inside.

1/3

Customer: "I'm ready to check out."

Me: "Great!"

Customer: [piles his intended purchases on the counter, wanders away to continue shopping]

The customer in line behind him: "... I am not sure what to do now."

Working in retail is a liminal experience at times.

FSoF Cabal "I have as much authority as the Pope; I just don't have as many people who believe it." -Saint Rufus the Conductor, known to the cabbages as George Carlin (PBUH)

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@saraphimavoynich.bsky.social, here's my dragon story.

A white, wooden block with "DON'T STOP BEING AMAZING" printed on the top in black lettering.

Bent down to grab a bottle of water and about banged my head on this. I can only assume the Universe picked out a resolution on my behalf.

How To Succeed In Chaos Without Really Trying Y'all, I may have Discordianed a wee bit too close to the sun.

Y'all. I may have Discordianed a wee bit too close to the sun.

Me: [commuting home] "Why am I seeing tracers? Did I accidentally do LSD, or is everyone driving with their brights on?"

My glasses: [sitting at the spicy shop, wondering where the hell I am]

I really wish the universe had cursed me with astigmatism *or* ADHD. Having both feels like persecution.

Vote your favorite occult books of 2025 [promoted by Timeless Occult Literature] - Occult-Study This poll has been done in order for you, the users, the readers, the public to vote on your favorite books of the year, instead of me picking up my favorites. These are all the books that have been p...

Last-minute chaos excitement! You've got until midnight to vote for your favorite occult book published in 2025. (The Chaos Apple is the 53rd listing.)

One of my employees went to the emergency room and told staff he was throwing up blood. Turns out, he legitimately had a stomach virus. But he also legitimately forgot about all the red jello shots he'd consumed before the bug kicked in. So that was fun for everyone involved.

My dad: "So it turns out your niece has some kind of joint disorder."

Me: "That makes sense, what with her dad being double-jointed and all."

My dad: "Wait, WHAT?!"

Anyway, that's how the rest of the family found out my brother can dislocate his shoulders on command.

A group of drunk women just stumbled out of a gay bar down the street from the spicy shop, dressed as (in order of appearance) a sexy reindeer, a sexy Mrs. Claus, a sexy snowman, and a sexy gingerbread cookie.

Not a sexy manger among them.

The true meaning of Christmas really has been lost.

And y'all, I have never in my life wanted so badly to leave a child anonymous Christmas presents.

Stay hilariously vigilant, little dude.

2/2

A few days ago, my neighbor was walking up the stairs to her apartment, where her kid was standing on the balcony yelling, "MA'AM. I'M GOING TO NEED TO SEE SOME I.D., MA'AM."

Tonight, he was yelling, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS."

1/2

Last night, I dreamt that it happened today.

Best sleep I've had in ages.

Promo card for WitchLit podcaster with the gold sun and moon logo and Podcast title across the bottom, the cover of Cardinal’s Sin by Raymond Buckland featuring the outline of a cross and purple lightning on a purple background. Next to the cover white text on a black background reads Cardinal’s Sin with Thumper Forge with a line art image of a laden altar below.

New episode out today with returning guest Thumper Forge @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social to chat about the wild ride of Raymond Buckland’s fiction and Thumper’s excellent new book The Chaos Apple.

YouTube video by Exploration Arcanum Chaos Magic and Discordianism with Thumper Forge

Premiering now, in this episode of Exploration Arcanum I chat with @fivefoldlaw.bsky.social about Chaos Witchcraft, Discordianism, and Cultural Appropriation in the occult. #occultsky #witchsky youtu.be/FsYmgpHcGAk

Overheard at the spicy shop:

"We used to be partners. I mean, not like sexual partners. Business partners. Well, sexual partners too."

A bearded person wearing dark sunglasses and dressed all in black holds a guilty-looking pug by the scruff of its neck. Underneath the image is the text "Thumper Forge = Reform the Pug."

Original art and anagram by @davezilla.bsky.social.

Customer: [pointing at two products] "What's the price difference between these?"

Me: "The one on the left is $30, and the one on the right is $40."

Customer: "So the one on the left is..."

Me:

Customer:

Me:

Customer: "... cheaper."

Me: "Yes."

But I can't judge. Math isn't my thing either.

Through a series of events involving the spicy shop and an ambitious but ill-conceived drag performance, "Golden" is now a holiday song. I don't make the rules.

I'm in the back office, watching the scene play out on the security camera, and I can only wonder if the Olympian Gods feel this level of schadenfreude whenever they check in on Sisyphus.

2/2

It is currently 9:50 a.m. We open at 10:00. Our hours of operation are posted next to the entrance in a big, bold font, and our neon open sign is turned off.

And yet, there is a customer on our porch, shoving the door and rattling the handle with all his might.

1/2

My favorite part of the holiday season is when Pentatonix mansplains Jesus.