Dee Lomas

Karma can’t do everything.

Learn to insult people sometimes…

How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

Well not eight as my basement is still dark…

I finally got to see my GP today and showed him the rash on my bum.

He just ignored me and carried on pushing his trolley round Tescos…

And yet here I am!!!

I applied to emigrate to Australia and they asked me if I had a criminal record. I said i didn’t know you still needed one…

Politics latest: Number 10 responds to Lammy comments about possibility of UK joining customs union with EU Downing Street has played down comments from David Lammy, the deputy prime minister and justice secretary, about the chances of the UK joining a customs union with the EU. Earlier, a plan to help thou...

Tory, Labour, Reform.

Any political party that puts holding on to power or the potential of getting into power ahead of what is so fvcking blatantly good for the country are arseholes…

news.sky.com/story/politi...

Hello, Posh Nigel. God I’ve missed you!

Them: You need to let it go.

Me: Actually, I’ll take it to the grave, thanks…

I got called pretty today. Well, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying” but I only focus on the positive things…

Of course he can because he has 95% of the press on his side and the twats who read or watch that news are, to put it politely, donkeys who follow carrots…

Just checking my laughter lines in the mirror and thinking to myself, ‘what the hell was that funny…?’

But being a bigoted old grifting bitch is a lifestyle choice for Sarah Vine.

Before you decide that, maybe you could listen to the segment on bbc woman’s hour regarding this new policy. Not allowing trans women membership is the law. There’s no way round it and the spokeswoman from the WI was almost in tears explaining why they’ve had no choice in this.

😂👀😂

People pleasing season is officially over.

From now on I’m going to be as annoying as fvck…

As you were!

The only place I’m going during this festive period is fvcking insane…

I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.

I’m a bitch and I own that shit like a motherfvcker!

My husband: Are you free tomorrow?

Me: No. I’m expensive every day…

Pro tip #28

Leave your christmas parties without saying goodbye.

This will, on average, save you two full days a year!

Follow me for more life hacks like this…

If you say anyways instead of anyway, that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous…

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.

The putter orders a beer

The wedge orders a whiskey

The barman turns to the third golf club and says, “Do you want anything?”

“Oh no thank you,” he replies, “I’m the driver”…

Every year I make 200 mince pies for the local school for their Christmas fair.

I put some christmas carols on to get in the mood for baking. It’s a reminder that despite tragedy life goes on. We have grandchildren who are excited for the season but navigating it is proving to be very difficult.

It’s fair to say that I’m not religious so I don’t feel right asking for your prayers.

I would appreciate it though, if you could keep my family and I in your thoughts today.

We are all suddenly having to cope with unbearable tragedy.

I thought there was an investigation. I thought that it was called the Russia report. Can’t we just demand that it be released?
Call me old fashioned, but it would save a lot of time and taxpayer money…

#ReleaseTheRussiaReport

Pros and cons of making kids.

Pros: making

Cons: kids

My husband: There are going to be some changes around here. You’re going to make my breakfast while I lie in bed & then bring it up to me & feed me. Then you’re going to run my bath and wash me. Then guess who’s going to dress me?

Me: The undertaker…

Them: What do you do for a living?

Me: I’m a spy.

Them: Why are you dressed like a shepherd?

Me: I’m a shepherd spy…

😜

Nathan Gill is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to traitors in this country.

Pro Russia. Anti Europe.

There will be others. Some of us could name some names…

Reform UK's former Wales leader Nathan Gill jailed for accepting pro-Russian bribes Gill, 52, pleaded guilty to eight counts of bribery between 6 December 2018 and 18 July 2019 in September.

With luck and a fair wind…next in the dock will be Farage!

After all, it’s christmas and I do believe in the miracle of christmas!

👀😂👀

news.sky.com/story/former...

A good woman stays by her mans side during the bad times just so she can tell him that absolutely none of this would have happened if only he’d listened to her…