Alyx

Happy pride month, the ex girlfriend of my girlfriend is my ex girlfriend

Once in middle school I made a vision board. I put the L Word logo on it because I thought it stood for love. Anyways I’m gay now. #pride

The Sims movie but it’s a horror film about an omnipresent threat that removes doors and the ladder to get out of the swimming pool

Schrodinger's funeral services

Being an anti-Zionist Jew is a lot like being bisexual. No side really wants you and also your dad is disappointed

I made my milkshake incorrectly. I don't know what the things in my yard are, but they are not boys... I suspect not even human. Oh god, the teeth. So many teeth.

“If you hurry you don’t see things you like” -dad overheard talking to his kids

Chat sameach, Passover for the twitch stream

In sports news today, I continue to not follow sports

keep your enemies close and your family closer

No one is an island, except for me. I'm the only one.

“I volunteer as Tribute!” - Sylvia Plath

My worst Purim costume yet, “hawk Torah”

I’ve always believed that my soul is a lonely seeker of Truth, which is why it's usually found in a crowded line waiting for tamales

God gave me the gift of spitting mad game, I’m not going to be rude and waste it

On the other hand… you have different fingers

There and many mysteries that lie deep in the human heart, but that’s just bc no one has used a black light yet

Where am I going and why am I in a hand basket

The good news is my cup runneth over, the bad news is it’s my diva cup

Even sisyphus gets a break when the boulder rolls back downhill

Fuck bitches, get neopoints

people have been complaining of a lobby ghost in my building for weeks. Finally i heard it’s because the elevator keeps opening but no one gets out. I acted spooked but I’ve been pushing the lobby button for weeks forgetting my car is on the second floor

When I said, "either this wallpaper goes or I do," i didn’t know that the wallpaper would use its powerful social connections to have me ostracized from polite society

Turns out there actually isn't an old saying that you can get away with anything as long as you're wearing a chicken suit

Pro: Congress will finally pass something!
Con: it’s just a massive kidney stone

Doodie with distinction 🫡

“Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast” and other co-opted military slogans i use to streamline my poops

My secret to looking young? Adult acne

In good shape? Yes. this crab Rangoon has a perfect crunch to filling ratio

i can tell i was made in Gods image because he hates all the same people i do (everyone)