Megan

Went to the gym for the first workout in weeks and left wondering if I could pay someone else to do it for me.

Don’t dwell on it, you say? Oh, I’m building a three story townhouse on it.

At the clothing store hastily googling “what do I wear as a 35-year-old human person” while the employees sadly shake their heads at my ankle socks

Couldn’t find any scissors, so I just hacked open a package of cheese with a chef’s knife like some feral mountain dweller.

Today at the gym, the trainer introduced battle ropes. I prefer Cold War ropes where you discuss maybe exercising for a while, but no actual physical exertion ever occurs.

In “experiences I never anticipated having as an adult,” I met with a new financial advisor today and had to justify my k-pop expenditures to a 55-year-old white man.

Why can’t I have a normal son who doesn’t make prolonged eye contact like this?

The trainer asked about my fitness goals: to take my arms from overcooked angel hair to al dente linguini.

After panic-booking an emergency dermatology appointment for an alarming rash, I realized it was chocolate that fell down my shirt and melted.

It may be bad behavior, but it’s keeping him busy so I’m just going to let it happen. Because I’m a good parent.

Apparently my dog thinks having a brain storming session means cluster seizures.

I spent [redacted] on tickets, travel, and hotels for this concert, but it will ultimately pay for itself. Seeing Taemin healed my soul, and I no longer need to pay for therapy.

Give in to temptation. The NYC show was the best $$$ I’ve ever spent. And now I’ll never need to pay for therapy again because my soul is healed.

The gym owner apologized for all the new member forms, unaware that I detest strenuous activity and that paperwork would be my favorite part of being there.

Pasta is the perfect way to add healthy variety to an all-bread diet and is definitely in no way just another form of bread.

Does it count as gender dysphoria if you’re as miserable of a whiny weenie as a man when you’re sick?

“Alexa, am I sick or has my body just lost the will to go on?”

(Sad violins playing) If only someone would give this poor orphan child some toys

There’s half a foot of snow waiting for me to come home and plow it (just like your mom)

If you consider that excuses are personally made, I’m practically an artisan.

I no longer judge people whose dogs have zero manners because my little brat has negative fourteen.

Hm, there appears to be no setting on the washing machine for melted cheese smears. Technology has a long way to go.

The best tip for going to bed without dreading the next day? Buy really good bread, then you can fall asleep every night gleefully anticipating waking up to eat toast.

Having a little brother summed up in a single expression

Cured my 3-year lack of motivation for writing and learning by buying $34 worth of adorable Japanese gel pens. Like I always say, purchase begets purpose.